You're being really hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault it happened, it still isn;t. The fault lies with the abuser. What that monster did, was far more than a physical wound. His actions affect your whole being. Part of winning out over this is healing yourself, FIRST. Maybe counseling, maybe confiding (slowly) in a friend (don't rush). I have found this to be a painful journey, but i'm healthier for it now, after 2+ years of counseling (individual, group & meds at different times) Each persons journey is different. Find what works for you.....
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.