You're being really hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault it happened, it still isn;t. The fault lies with the abuser. What that monster did, was far more than a physical wound. His actions affect your whole being. Part of winning out over this is healing yourself, FIRST. Maybe counseling, maybe confiding (slowly) in a friend (don't rush). I have found this to be a painful journey, but i'm healthier for it now, after 2+ years of counseling (individual, group & meds at different times) Each persons journey is different. Find what works for you.....
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. ~Winston Churchill
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. ~Maya Angelou
Those who understand only what can be explained understand very little. ~Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach