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#224345 - 05/15/08 09:24 AM Sexual dysfunction
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
The topic on the Survivors board about "What does it take to be a man" really got me thinking. As I posted there, concepts of "being a man" are inseparable from sex to me.

Sex is just such a mixed up and muddled thing for me. In general I enjoy it. It's fun, and it's a way to communicate intimately with another person. But it's tied up with self-worth, with my value as a person and my status as a "man." I could write much more about how sex becomes a competition for me and how envious and resentful I can get when other people are having more or better sex than I am. What really bothers me and unhinges my world is when sex just plain doesn't happen the way it should.

I was with someone last night that I love very much and for most of our intimate time together I functioned perfectly normally. All of the plumbing worked, but I just couldn't reach orgasm. I tried -- believe me I tried -- but it was like a car engine that won't turn over. Of course, all the thoughts going throug my mind are "What's wrong with me? Why can't I do this? Is he going to get bored waiting for me to cum?" -- which didn't exactly help. I had lovely dinner and conversation with my friend and the sex with him was fun and loving and affirming and celebratory. Yet because I didn't have an orgasm I feel like it was incomplete and deficient -- and that the deficiency reveals a deficiency in me.

Let's not even talk about the times when I can't even get or keep an erection!

I should point out that I'm 28. Everyone says this isn't supposed to be happening to me, which likewise doesn't help. Performance anxiety, inadequacy, and just plain disappointment combine to make a very heady brew.

Intellectually, I understand the way these feelings fit together and trigger each other. I know that this doesn't make me less of a person, less of a "man," but I just can't get myself to feel it.

Why does sex have to be so bloody complicated? If anyone has any advice or suggestions for separating sex from self-worth, I'd be grateful.

Thanks

PS I forgot to add that I'm on antidepressents. I'm taking 225mg of Wellbutrin each day, which isn't supposed to affect sexual function, but all 10mg of Celexa which, as an SSRI, can.



Edited by VLinvictus (05/15/08 10:31 AM)
_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#224383 - 05/15/08 11:57 AM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: VLinvictus]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
VL,

I had problem with ejaculation when I took antidepressants. I could do everything else but it just wouldn't happen. I think it's probably buried in the fine print of the 'possible side effects' on the little ten pages of drug interactions.

I know that you know this but, all the insecurities and self-doubt just feed on any self-percieved inadequacies. Try to give yourself a little slack.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#224384 - 05/15/08 12:05 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: Stephen_5]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
VL,
Try not to beat yourself up over this. We place so much importance on the big O that when it does not happen we feel cheated, embarassed and less than. The drugs could well have a lot do to with that so try to concentrate instead on having a good time with your partner and enjoy the fact that you are lasting longer and can have more fun. It will return and you will have wonderful orgasms again.

Boy this CSA stuff sure screws up a lot of life for us.


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#224401 - 05/15/08 12:43 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
Well I've got the same issue. I think for me it's part of the anxiety that goes into sex now that the abuse is not buried and hidden anymore, and I'm on 20mg of Celexa, so I'm pretty sure it's both those things together.

For me, one thing I've found that helps is that I take my meds right before bed. Which means if my wife wants to be intimate right before bed, it's been nearly 24 hours since my last dose. Sometimes it's ok, sometimes its not. Don't know. It's definitely all a mess.


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#224411 - 05/15/08 01:24 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: JustScott]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Thanks guys.

Scott, I've been taking the Celexa in the morning. I think I'll switch to evening and see if that helps (some SSRI's make one manic and keep you awake -- believe me that I've not experienced that in the morning :))

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#224414 - 05/15/08 01:44 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: VLinvictus]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
Yeah, I haven't had any sleep problems with Celexa, but it does seem to make the finishing issue a bigger one. Before the meds, if I could actually find a way to relax, I'd be ok. Now no matter what it's pretty much a no go.


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#224475 - 05/15/08 10:38 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: JustScott]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Hey all

I am taking EffexorXR which has an effect on libido i.e. desire
My T recommended taking Gingko to counteract
It's not like take it & feel it immediately but more like a daily vitamin

My headspace ain't in the making whoopee place right now but
I did try Gingko in the past & it did help

On the initial topic, self worth & sexuality are closely connected IMO

C



_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#224738 - 05/17/08 04:56 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: ineffable]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Have you tried saw palmetto?


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#224787 - 05/18/08 12:43 AM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: pufferfish]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
No, I've never heard of it. What is it and what does it do?

It's so hard to make the connection between my intellect and my emotions. I know that the occasional malfunction, especially when there's a logical cause behind it, does not make me less of a man, but that doesn't translate well into feelings.

But I'm determined to keep on trying.

Dan

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#233024 - 06/24/08 10:11 AM Re: Sexual dysfunction [Re: VLinvictus]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
If there's an ugly duckling amongst a million swimming in the lake;
I'm that vile and unbecoming oddball creature traversing alone at the other end of the lake. It's embarrassing trying to figure out if your still a man or just an it, despite my obvious masculine physical appearance. Some would say that not being able to get a woody negates your sexual identity of being a virile man.

But then again maybe I shouldn't give it another thought.

Sex just doesn't do anything for me anymore.
I suppose if that pegs me as that oddball little shit-head duck alone at the end of the lake. Perhaps I will have to settle and be comfortable with that persona. Life Sucks.

_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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