Newest Members
Francis Xavier, JLB, MrsC, wraphd, blufish
12438 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dannyboy22 (31), ScorpioBlue (45), Wife - Survivor (70)
Who's Online
4 registered (Bloom, 3 invisible), 15 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12438 Members
74 Forums
63856 Topics
445877 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#224209 - 05/14/08 01:04 PM Re: Help me decide please [Re: Freedom49]
stefalc1 Offline


Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
i think there is something there if you want to tell your father , if you feel you are messing up exams and your future because of this then maybe you need to say something or try to get out of the situation, it cant be easy watching him come round knowing he thinks he`s got away with it.
he himself needs help for the fact he did this .
i don`t know what the family reaction will be but thisis totally your choice when your ready and only you will know the right time and how it will make you feel , also you need to remember you have done nothing wrong .
i might be wrong but this perverse thing that has happened to all of us here has robbed us of enough .
you are one couragous guy to keep facing him like this , it must be really hard
take care and i hope it all works out for you


Top
#224343 - 05/15/08 09:22 AM Re: Help me decide please [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Lewis,

You already have a lot of good input above. I'll just add a bit here.

One good development is that you have already confronted your brother and he has admitted everything and told you how sorry he is. That doesn't make it okay, of course, but it's a step in the right direction.

We've already worked out a letter for your Dad, and of course it needs a bit of revision in light of some other things you have told me since then. But otherwise it's a good letter. So there again, a good start.

The real question here is support. Your Dad is going to be shocked to hear all this, and I do have to tell you, Lewis, that I think the story will get even more complicated, since I suspect very strongly that your brother was abused too. That's what gave him the idea of taking all these things to you. The question of who it was that abused him will thus also arise, assuming I am right. So as I said, this could get complicated.

We will talk soon, okay? I am off on the train to Princeton later this afternoon, but I will be back in PA on Sunday.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#224587 - 05/16/08 02:14 PM Re: Help me decide please [Re: roadrunner]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Thanks for all your responses

no i wont tell him, it is just little me wishing not to be alone and wishing for someone to love him, it's just not like that, i know that now, he showed that to me today, at least it saves the hassle of working through it (and saves you a lot of work too Larry, which means you wont need to bother with me either), i just have to be strong and not collapse under the burden.

I envy every single one of you who have families, and especially families of your own, i find it hard to imagine how it could hurt so bad when you have people right there who you love and love you back. I imagine i would be healed by that, but evidently it is not that easy since you are still here.

It is just unfair that even though i have family that i am alone, that really i have none, i really hope i can just hold on really hard and come out the otherside.

If i thought it was easy to die in the cold i would sit and wait.

I don't know what is worse, having that done to you or having nobody that loves you. I really don't know where i went wrong, they liked me when i was younger, i tried hard, i never asked for anything, i messed up somewhere. There must have been a point somewhere when i messed up.

i have an exam tomorrow better try to revise, he doesn't see any value in an academic education or when i do good but that doesn't mean he wont show his dissapointment when i fail.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#224594 - 05/16/08 02:46 PM Re: Help me decide please [Re: king tut]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Lewis,

You didn't mess up anything. You do deserve love; you will have love and you absolutely will come out the other side. You're one of the brightest guys going. You've got ambition and dreams, yeah, I'm quite sure you'll make it out more than OK.

I don't know what happened, but if you want to talk, I'll be here.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#224605 - 05/16/08 03:57 PM Re: Help me decide please [Re: king tut]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Lewis,
There are a couple of things here I wanted to comment on.
Quote:
I don't know what is worse, having that done to you or having nobody that loves you. I really don't know where i went wrong, they liked me when i was younger, i tried hard, i never asked for anything, i messed up somewhere. There must have been a point somewhere when i messed up.


Two things here Lewis my friend. First I think it is harder having or at least feeling like you have no one that loves you. If you have someone that loves you it is amazing what you can handle and survive intact emotionally. The thing that gets most of us is the feeling that we are unlovable. That is what you seem to be saying here.

May I translate...I do not feel my family loves me.... I do not know if that is true or not but the fact that you feel that way is a symptom of your CSA. It leaves almost all of us that are victims of incest feeling that way whether it is true or not.

I want you to know that may not be the case in reality. It may be that they do not know how to express that love in a way that you need it to be expressed. Ponder that awhile.

Second, Lewis my buddy, it is not you who messed up. Your brother messed up. You my friend are just fine. Brilliant in fact. You are much more successful than your sorry sot of brother ever will be and you know it. What he did to you and why he did it will be with him for the rest of his life and ruin every thing he touches for him. Don't let what happened do that to you. You did nothing wrong. You were a great little boy and you are beooming a wonderful man. You are blaming the wrong person.

Calanthe was told when he began his recovery not to kill himself during the first five years because he would be killing the wrong person. Keep that in mind my friend.


Quote:
have an exam tomorrow better try to revise, he doesn't see any value in an academic education or when i do good but that doesn't mean he wont show his dissapointment when i fail.



Now as to this last part. Remember you are doing all of this for you. Not for your father. He may or may not care less but it doesn't matter. I know how hard it is to break away from desperately seeking approval and acceptance from a father that is totally incapable of giving it. Dear God in heaven, I know that and have foolishly tried almost all my life. It is setting youself up for disappointment. Do the revise for YOU not him. If he jumps on board with an atta boy son, great. If not forget him. This is for you.

And last I know how important all of this means to you. All the family dynamics that is so hard to shake and yet there are a bunch of us here at MS that love you and care very much about you and think of you as family. We have been standing on your side of the bleachers rooting for you madly. So I guess what I am saying is don't count us out when you are feeling unloved or unloveable.
Come here and get a big dose of it and then move ahead.

boy was this long and convoluted. you probably could use some ice cream by now.


Top
#224644 - 05/16/08 08:48 PM Re: Help me decide please [Re: Freedom49]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Lewis:
It sounds like this is well-thought out and being done for the right reasons. I think it will work out and wish you well.

Ken


Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.