There are a couple of things here I wanted to comment on.
I don't know what is worse, having that done to you or having nobody that loves you. I really don't know where i went wrong, they liked me when i was younger, i tried hard, i never asked for anything, i messed up somewhere. There must have been a point somewhere when i messed up.
Two things here Lewis my friend. First I think it is harder having or at least feeling like you have no one that loves you. If you have someone that loves you it is amazing what you can handle and survive intact emotionally. The thing that gets most of us is the feeling that we are unlovable. That is what you seem to be saying here.
May I translate...I do not feel my family loves me.... I do not know if that is true or not but the fact that you feel that way is a symptom of your CSA. It leaves almost all of us that are victims of incest feeling that way whether it is true or not.
I want you to know that may not be the case in reality. It may be that they do not know how to express that love in a way that you need it to be expressed. Ponder that awhile.
Second, Lewis my buddy, it is not you who messed up. Your brother messed up. You my friend are just fine. Brilliant in fact. You are much more successful than your sorry sot of brother ever will be and you know it. What he did to you and why he did it will be with him for the rest of his life and ruin every thing he touches for him. Don't let what happened do that to you. You did nothing wrong. You were a great little boy and you are beooming a wonderful man. You are blaming the wrong person.
Calanthe was told when he began his recovery not to kill himself during the first five years because he would be killing the wrong person. Keep that in mind my friend.
have an exam tomorrow better try to revise, he doesn't see any value in an academic education or when i do good but that doesn't mean he wont show his dissapointment when i fail.
Now as to this last part. Remember you are doing all of this for you. Not for your father. He may or may not care less but it doesn't matter. I know how hard it is to break away from desperately seeking approval and acceptance from a father that is totally incapable of giving it. Dear God in heaven, I know that and have foolishly tried almost all my life. It is setting youself up for disappointment. Do the revise for YOU
not him. If he jumps on board with an atta boy son, great. If not forget him. This is for you.
And last I know how important all of this means to you. All the family dynamics that is so hard to shake and yet there are a bunch of us here at MS that love you and care very much about you and think of you as family. We have been standing on your side of the bleachers rooting for you madly. So I guess what I am saying is don't count us out when you are feeling unloved or unloveable.
Come here and get a big dose of it and then move ahead.
boy was this long and convoluted. you probably could use some ice cream by now.