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#223950 - 05/12/08 08:14 PM Anger
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
My husband is always extremely angry. He didn't even call me for mother's day. I want to know why his so angry at me? Why he is so cruel with his words? Why he is so excellent at work but home he is so empty. When we went to counseling why did he lie? If there is anyone that could help me answer these questions I would appreciate it.


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#223961 - 05/12/08 09:57 PM Re: Anger [Re: chrty]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
chrty,

I'm afraid I don't have the answers to your questions. There are so many things that can and do go wrong because of csa. Very often the ones who are closest are the ones who suffer the most and bear the brunt of the anger and all around unpleasantness. That doesn't make it right, it just is. It can be worked through and get better, but I don't even know what suggestions to make to you because you really haven't shared much of your circumstances. That's not a bad thing, you'll say what you can when you're ready, but until then, I don't want to speak out of turn.

May I ask, what did your husband say or not say to the therapist that makes you believe he lied?

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#224013 - 05/13/08 07:40 AM Re: Anger [Re: Trish4850]
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
At times like this, I try to remind myself that the other person's actions do not necessarily have anything to do with me.

That sometimes their decision to do something/not do something has absolutely nothing to do with me, even though I feel the brunt of the effect.

I'm sorry your husband's anger is directed at you. Perhaps you are just the safest place to spew itt at this time in his life? I don't know - I'm new here, so can't give you any advice from experience.

On the good side - I'M not angry with you. :O)

Hugs to you - take care of YOU today.

Marissa


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#224023 - 05/13/08 09:08 AM Re: Anger [Re: Marissa]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I spent a lot of time irritable and angry, and sometimes I still do, and unfortunately I do tend to take it out on those closest to me :-(

I know I've hurt my wife more than a few times because of it. As I've been dealing with things, I'm able to tell her more and more that it's not her. I know that doesn't help her feelings when I'm short or angry with her, but it's more to do with the anger in me than anything toward her.

I hope your husband can begin to work through things and realize where his anger is coming from and try to direct it in a positive way, rather than you.


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#224024 - 05/13/08 09:26 AM Re: Anger [Re: JustScott]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
I have spoken to different counselors for myself. My husband has as well. I must say this on his behalf. The three counselors had never been raped. He would tell them what they wanted to hear and laugh when we went home. He would say you see they don't know anything. He feels he cannot speak again. I know the story and because of that he feels I can hurt him. Does anybody understand that? He is making life hard for me. He is showing signs of distress . I believe that it's because his whole being is saying....help. I have someone I speak to and am comfortable. I found this place because i wanted to hear from people like my husband who can give me straight answers.

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#224028 - 05/13/08 09:42 AM Re: Anger [Re: chrty]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
Sorry , I didn't address what you has said. This particular counselor would ask us if we had had sex. It was one of the things I requested we speak about. He would say yes. The answer was always no. My husband would make a joke about of it ,when we got home, and say you see they are stupid . He would do this all the time. Finally I spoke up.(three years later) It was costly. Finally the counselor said that he would not see my husband without me. He figuered my husband out. The other counselor a female just was making a bigger rift in our marriage Im sure something that had been said.

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#224033 - 05/13/08 10:18 AM Re: Anger [Re: chrty]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I would recommend highly that you try to find a counselor who has experience treating sexual abuse and assault issues. Those who don't have the right training, have no clue and can cause more harm than good.

I think the biggest thing is, deep down, your husband is afraid. He's told you his secret, he's now extremely vulnerable to you. You have the potential to hurt him deeper than anyone else, because he's opened up to you, and that is a very very scary prospect, I can guarantee you that first hand, as it's how I find myself feeling with my wife. She knows my secrets. It's scary. She's handled them well, but not always, and has caused me pain a few times. She's getting better though as I continue to heal and grow.

Having sex most likely makes him feel vulnerable as well, and for many, it brings back all the feelings of guilt and shame from the abuse. I know it's hard for me. I struggle big time.

You're doing the right thing by coming here and sharing and getting insight and help. You'll be able to understand and help him better in the long run.


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#224101 - 05/13/08 06:08 PM . [Re: JustScott]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:40 PM)

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#224114 - 05/13/08 08:53 PM Re: Anger [Re: bardo213]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
chrty,

I'm so sorry for your pain. Yes, I do get why he feels vulnerable with you. You know his dirty little secret. Even though the secret never should have been his to keep and he is not dirty; his mind tells him otherwise. As the guys have said, he has to be the one to do something about this and lying to the counselors certainly isn't ever going to get him anywhere.

Chrty, I may be reading you totally wrong so please feel free to tell me off if I am. But I need to ask - are you afraid of your husband? I get this feeling from your posts that you're experiencing alot more than your saying.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#224117 - 05/13/08 09:23 PM Re: Anger [Re: Trish4850]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
No he hasn't put his hands on me . Though he throws things around .Last time it was at the Supermarket. I walked out because Im understanding this has nothing to do with me. I m beginning to say enough. I have issues of child abuse that contunually come up. His constant anger towards me triggers that. Unfortunately for him I can be very aggressive as well. I would rather live in harmony and peace though. lately I just want to stop chasing my tail and at least go somewhere with this because I need to finally work on me. His anger gets in the way and if anyone comes to visit they leave. Since I have family that live with us it is becoming a sore spot with me. I want this to stop. I want peace. I dont' want to stop working on me because my husband is using cleaniing solution neat where someone is eating..Compulsive disorder.. But Thank you . Thank you Thank you . Please keep writing I need this for me. I have been sending the thread to him on email. I dont think he is reading it

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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