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#22394 - 02/20/05 12:03 PM PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
I promised Danny that I would write about this and I have been delaying long enough. Bobby posted a message that reminded me about this.

HOMOPHOBIC reactions!
I still have them. So far I have had three. One was due to something Danny said, you can read about that, about half way down this page. http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=5;t=000320

One was in a chat room, the guy asked me about my fantasies, I made a decision not to go back into chat, my homophobic reactions can build up to fast there. The last was from a PM a guy sent me thinking me for starting one of my posts. But he started it with (Dear Lostcowboy) and ended it with (I love you).
Please understand none of the guys, stepped over any lines here. Its just that it set off my homophobic reactions is all.

PARANOIA reactions! So far I haven't had any here, keep knocking on wood! But I have had them in the navy, or maybe they were really out to get me. I know anytime I move to a new place, or new command, or new job, I am on guard for someone to try and fuck me over, and there seems to always be someone. Sorry for the French. I think a lot of my paranoia feelings came about due to all the schools I went to growing up, there was always a bully or two that wanted to fight the new kid. My dad who I worshiped, had made us promise not to fight. I think dad thought we were all going to grow up like him, six foot one and weighing 300 pounds, with huge muscles. My grand dad, tried to teach my dad boxing once, the first punch my dad landed, put my grand dad on the ground unconscious, end of boxing lessons. My dad always worried that he would get mad and really hurt some one. I think that is why he kept reinforcing that he did not want us to fight unless it was for something important. In the second grade, my best friend one day decided to fight me, we were both outside of the group of boys, the bully's had been working on both of us trying to get us to fight. I think he thought fighting me would be the easer way to get in the group, maybe someone put him up to it. what ever, it made me mad, so I fought him, It took three boys to pull me off him, I had him down on the ground chocking him. I got a ruler across my hand for it, may have got a licking from dad, don't remember. But I do remember promising to myself not to lose my temper and fight again, it scared me pretty bad. I went to fifteen schools all together, there was always bully's, and people make believing that they were my friends and setting me up for betrayal. For a while I played with the girls, until about 11 or 12, and then they kicked me out of their group. After that I was pretty much a lone wolf growing up. I think my homophobic reactions started soon after puberty, I think it was in junior high that a guy asked me if I was a homosexual, I said no some what cautiously ( wondering what this new word meant, and if this was some new way some bully was trying to get me to fight), being that the guy accepted my answer and did not try to get me to fight, I asked him what it meant, and he said a guy that liked guys instead of girls. I did not figure this out until many years later, but I had been the last one to shower, to many times, ( I was trying to avoid guys watching me shower), the rape book I read, says that gay guys are normally the last to shower to avoid getting erections. Seems me and gay guys were showering last for very different reasons. Ain't that a hoot. I'll finish this later, It's getting late.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#22395 - 02/20/05 08:27 PM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
I'm back. High school wasn't to bad, no play grounds, and no more PE classes, the bully's were finally leaving me alone. The bad news was while I was real interested in girls, they were not interested in me ( at least as far as I could see). They seemed interested in guys on the honer role, or guys that were on the athletic teams. I could have made good grades if I would have done my homework I am sure, but ever since the 2ed grade I have boycotted homework. It was just my thing, why give me homework when I understood it from the problems we did in class. The only classes that doing the homework would have helped was in spelling and English, I quickly learned there was no logic to those two subjects, and if you asked the teacher why it was done that way, the answer was always, because it just was.
Got a little distracted there, oh yea, girls, the girls were still not showing any interest in me. So I graduated high school with about the lowest grades one could have, so I knew I was not going on to college, and they still had the draft going on, and we had just pulled out of Vietnam, but I was sure Nixon was going to get us back in. So I enlisted in the navy, I wanted electronics real bad, so I ended up volunteering for submarines to get it. Turns out the navy has two types of submarines, fast attack and boomer's, and I had just volunteered for boomer's. During all the schools, I found I had another problem, Social Anxiety, I was real nervous about how I behaved/related to/with my classmates during our free time, in the club. That was where I first started drinking.
When I reported to my first sub, I got a taste of the real navy, the harassment started up again. In my view point it was sexual harassment. Sometimes when I was down on my hands and knees scrubbing the deck, guys would come up behind me and pretend they were having sex with me. At first I thought these were gay guys,but no this were just Arrogant Assholes that were bored out of their minds, and they did it just to get a reaction out of me. Of course once they saw that they could get a reaction, they kept it up. This happened on all three submarines I was on. It may have something to do with it being a all male crew in cramped spaces, under stress. At that time I could not tell just anyone that I had been raped, even if I could have told them why their little game bothered me so much, I don't think that they would have stopped. Time for another break.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#22396 - 02/22/05 09:36 AM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Well that really sucks, just lost the third installment!!

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#22397 - 02/22/05 03:10 PM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Lostcowboy,

Keep it coming, we're reading and learning from you. I can relate to the homophobic reactions, I have them as well - not saying that's a good thing, but I recognize the feelings and where it comes from (being touched by my brother). The thought of it still makes my skin crawl, and I really don't like being touched by men. An older gentleman hugged me back in my mid-20s and I about jumped out of my skin, and I remember thinking "What the hell do you think you're doing!?!", but it was simply a reflex reaction. Even now, when sitting in Sunday School with a group of men, I tend to nudge my chair back and away from those sitting next to me, just don't like being in close proximety to men. I don't know that I'll ever be able to get beyond that, but maybe someday.

_________________________
Eddie

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#22398 - 02/22/05 07:57 PM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Isn't it just a form of post-traumatic stress disorder? I mean, I too pull my chair back when I feel that other men are getting too close. But it was men that attacked and terrified me. What I feel is that they are a threat, that they're judging me in some way. Showering in school was a daily nightmare. I was afraid that someone would look at me. And maybe yes, I've spent my life trying not to be like my perps, so I've avoided looking at others in the fear that in some way my look would be taken wrong.

I did read the post about the "Dear..." and the "I love..." That would have scared me off, too. And I know neither was meant with any wrong intent, but my knee-jerk reaction is, Stay away from me. It's the same as the former military guy diving under a table when fireworks go off, I think. Even though we know the context, we don't want to be hurt again.

That's my take on it, anyway.

ForeverFighting

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#22399 - 02/23/05 06:23 PM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Thanks guys. That third installment is going to take a while to get back in the mood to write it again. being that I have arthritis, I had been writing it for a few hours. When my mouse stopped on me, and I hit the esc button. DO NOT HIT THE ESC BUTTON!! It clears the whole page! Turned out I needed to change the batteries in my mouse.

Yes this could be all just a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. On the subs the harassment usually stopped by the third patrol on that sub. I did a total of 13 patrols. I don't want you guys to think that I only had bad times in the navy. There were good times too. The third installment was going to be about the last patrol, the first on the third sub. That was where I feel the paranoia thoughts took place. But is it paranoia if they are really after you?
Anyway, it will be a while before I get back in the mood to write about it. So feel free to jump in here and talk away.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#22400 - 02/23/05 11:22 PM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
LC, ever remember this one? I remember in late teens that men thought they had the right to touch me in the privates.

It totally confused me, I put it down to a conditioning of the abuse, and how I had tried to hide it by lowering boundaries.

My boundaries where severely damaged by rape, but I had to drop them and just try being full of the fun my child craved.

But he never really craved sexual touching from males who thought I was anybodys'. They only did it once, they got the message pretty quick. It was hard to drop boundaries with males, but if they stepped over, then they got a big shock.

Just because I open up my boundaries, does not mean I am yours or anyones', I suppose a "normal" male could deal with it more succinctly, but to me it was just like abuse!

I am not homophobic, because it is not gay men who do these things to kids, or sorry, most gay men would not do it.

I have never found a word to describe the scum who can rape the innocence from a kid, certainly it does not reside within me or anyone here.

When I read about abuse, it is like twisting a sword in the wound, I just want to be with the kid and help them, but where would you start?

In a nutshell, nobody touches me physically or mentally without my consent.

Nobody should ever do that to any living thing, but that is only my view,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#22401 - 05/05/05 10:54 AM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
This post is two-fold.

First to STE, sorry about not replying! Yes touching is a very big thing with me. I am so sensitive about it. Even if someone gets in my private space I start to get uncomfortable.

Second, I thought I would pop this up again, as I have called on my old friend, and broke the news to him that I know about his past, I also told him about why I had avoided him for the last three years. In the process I told about how I came to get out of the navy, and he responded about him getting out of the navy due to being gay. We did not get a chance to go into deeper detail. I plan to call him again tomorrow to setup a meeting for coffee, but I am nervous about it. While I am not seeing sex abuser's and gays behind every tree, I think my spider senses are back on.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#22402 - 08/16/05 10:36 PM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
One of the student Therapist, had a survey on pandys.org which I answered, which lead to several emails back and forth. On the last one she sent she was wondering if my not having a therapist was related to the sex of the therapists, trust concerns. When I answered that question this came boiling out.

therapist/counsellor, why I don't have one. This falls more into Paranoia reactions than male or female concerns. My third installment on PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions is about my last submarine patrol and all the things that went wrong that caused me to be forced out of the navy. I have a lot of anger about it, part of that anger is pointed at the navy's medical branch, in particular the mental health department. When I told the navy, I was on a sub on patrol, the sub pulled in early just to transfer me off. Of the three officers that saw me, only the female rape specialist on the sub base did a through interview. The squadron psychiatrist who first saw me asked me only two questions. Was I a homosexual, and was I suicidal. To both I answered no!, They had me sleep in the mental hearth barge, and work picking up trash around the base. Two weeks later I get a call from the chief I was working for, that I had missed my appointment to see the base female rape specialist and that I had ten minutes to get there before being written up. When I got there she had me stand at attention while she chewed me up one side and down the other for missing a appointment I did not know I had. She then took in a deep breath and let me have it again, about what the hell type of prank the squadron psychs were trying to pull on her, having her rearrange her appointments to squeeze me in and I am not even a women let alone a rape victim. She then said I had five minutes to explain my part in this prank. Well, five minutes stretched into three hours, at the end of which she made a tentative diagnosis of PTSD. She was even interested in taking on my case, but that was not to be, as my ship was home-ported out of Charleston S.C.. My sub came back in and we packed up and bused back to Charleston, where I was dangled on a string for four weeks waiting to see the second squadron psychiatrist. When I finally got to see him, he met me at the door to his office, said there was no need for me to come in I did not have PTSD, what I had was a drinking problem. I said , so that means I ain't going to get any treatment for rape? Right he says. Ok, when do I start treatment for my drinking problem then,( I am thinking this guy is a lost cause, and the faster I can get talking to someone else the better), that's when he looks up at me and grins. You are not getting treatments for your drinking , I am going along with your commands recommendations of a admin discharge. With that he let me go, when I got back to the command they had the initial paperwork laid out for me to sign.

I am going to stop this for now, and send it to you. I am going to save this part of the email to use later on the web site. It is definitely going in to part three of my PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC thread.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#22403 - 08/22/05 09:10 AM Re: PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Lostcowboy,

I know it is paranoid, not sure if it homophobic reaction. But I can not stand someone behind me. Truly, it doesn't matter if it is a man or woman. In movie theater, I have to sit in the last row. A restaurant, with my back against the wall. To have someone behind me probably raises my blood pressure to twice normal. I am not to fond of touch either, even basic handshake or 'hug' hello greeting. I hate it, but most of the time now I do not flinch, cringe, and back away.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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