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#223747 - 05/11/08 05:34 PM To My Mom 13 years later.
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
To my mom,

I know you are gone and I know why and
I wish you were here but you are not.
So I was thinking there are things that I wanted to say
so I sat and gave it some thought.

So many times when I was growing up
I wanted to tell you what was wrong but it was tough.
I didnít have the words at first because I was little.
I didnít know what was wrong I just felt bad.
Later when I found the words
I tried to get your attention but you kept changing the subject.
You would not even look at me and I wondered why.
We never got to say much you and I.
That one time on the phone I tried to tell you when I was older.
You would not talk about it then so I shut up.
Years later when we met for lunch because you snuck away.
I thought maybe that was the time to say.
Still you withdrew and I was confused
because I still didnít understand.

Now you are long gone and I am older and wiser.
I have learned a lot about what happened to me.
I have also learned about denial.
About what we see and what we do not wish to see.
I have always hoped you were clueless about me and dad.
I have learned some things from others who can talk freely now
No one has to look in your eyes anymore and hide the truth.

You are gone into the light of heaven I suppose.
It is what you always wanted and talked about.
Still I have learned that maybe you knew something.
Not everything maybe but enough.
Enough to have saved me perhaps but it would have been messy.
I know you did not handle messy well, you were not strong.

So you were quietly urging me to become close to my dad.
As if that was the problem.
Now you will never know the extent of what was done.
Or how much it hurt.
You are gone.

But before you left for good it seems you stopped to say goodbye.
To my brother in law Don.
That was nice of you and thoughtful as he was really hurting.
I wish I could have said goodbye to you also.
Instead of your cold lifeless body.

Did you know how much I missed you too?
Or were you just too busy leaving to notice?
Happy motherís day.
I still miss you and I wonder, up there in heaven
Do you think of me?
Do you miss me too?

Edited by Freedom49 (05/11/08 09:06 PM)

#223752 - 05/11/08 06:03 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: Freedom49]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
holy shit roger.

I'm here for you.


#223754 - 05/11/08 06:11 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: frost]
arronb Offline

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth

sending much Love your way

Keep Smilin'

#223756 - 05/11/08 06:28 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: arronb]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821

Incredibly painful, Roger. I'm sorry you never did the chance to talk to her the way you needed to be heard.


#223782 - 05/11/08 08:49 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: EGL]
River Offline

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee

Incredibly moving poem. Thanks for sharing it with us. Really forces me to consider my own relationship with my mom.



#223876 - 05/12/08 12:59 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: River]
feelingafraid Offline

Registered: 04/08/08
Posts: 76
Loc: 5,471 FT above sea level

peace out toby

Hes a little boy let him be a little boy for the boy we never got to be.

#223921 - 05/12/08 03:35 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: feelingafraid]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2227
Loc: durham, north england
thinking of you as I read this Roger,

Your friend across the pond,


#225488 - 05/21/08 01:43 AM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

So sad but a beautiful poem. I hope writing it and posting it is helping you.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#225499 - 05/21/08 05:18 AM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: roadrunner]
DanM Offline

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California

I don't know how I missed reading this before. I have tears forming and my heart is aching after reading this. I can feel the pain that was in your heart when you wrote this. It is very beautiful and I also hoped that it helped you whne you wrote it.

I think one of the reasons I have been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks was because it was Mother's Day and the anniversary on my Mother's death fell a few days later. As you know, my Mom was also weak and didn't stop the initial abuse even after I tried to give her signs and said things.

I wish I could give you a big <<HUG>>!! I know I need one at this moment...


#225504 - 05/21/08 07:26 AM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: DanM]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Roger, "why use 1 word when I can use 100"

Denial is a powerful safety mechanism, one my aunt still uses to this day. It's sad you never got the chance to say what you wanted to say. I feel your pain in one aspect since I lost my dad to Cirrhosis of the liver from alcohol as age 18. It was right after all the abuse and he thought I was a hooligan, a thug, a looser.

I never got to tell him and I never forgave him for dying on me until I was 38 years old. There was so much I wanted to tell him, so much he didn't know. So one day at 23 I went to his grave with a sandwich and a beer and I told him all the things I wanted to then left a picture of his grandchild and a red rose and said this is what you missed. I cried and left then crawled back in my hole.

Later in life I learned that I hated myself for hating him, I thought it was wrong to be angry for him dying but I learned that he was a sick man and had his own problems. He probably was not even aware of me anymore and died before I could say I really loved him which is what I always wanted to say but never got a chance.

I know he is up there or here somewhere in spirit just as your mom and I'm sure they are proud of how we have pulled through and are able to help others pull through. That we have grown up to be wonderful men with big hearts that care and have a gift that only we can give. The gift of hope, everyone here has that gift and we all give what we can. I'm sure these are the things our long gone loved ones see from the heavens/ afterlife.
Love & Light

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#225568 - 05/21/08 01:16 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
((((((Ricky, Dan, Larry, Luke, Toby, Glynn, Eddie, Arron, Brian,))))))

Thank you all for you kind words, thoughts, and hugs. I am not sure how or why I wrote this but mother's day was really hard this year as I finally accepted the fact that on some level she knew and chose not to address it for whatever reasons.

I may never understand why here on this earth but it no longer matters whether I do or not. It is what it is and although it hurts like hell to accept it, it is always better to live with truth than lies.

Thanks again guys. I am feeling better now and you all are part of that healing and as I saw this again I wanted to experss my gratitude to you for what you wrote. It helped and I wanted you to know.

Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/08 01:18 PM)

#225577 - 05/21/08 02:36 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: Freedom49]
HurtinginMD Offline

Registered: 03/01/08
Posts: 74
Loc: Cranston, RI

This poem is so moving.....u r one of the most corageous people i have met... thanks so much for sharing this with us.


I want always to be a boy and have fun... (Peter Pan)

#225661 - 05/21/08 10:16 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: GateKPR4]
ObiWan Offline

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
((((((((((((( HUGE, REALLY BIG HUGS, ROGER! ))))))))))))))))
Very painful, very beautiful, very moving. Just know that there are many who will read this, Rog, and be helped by you and your experiences and your expressions.

Every time I hear the song "would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven" I start crying. Can't listen to it. That's what your poem reminds me of.
<<<<<<<<<<<<< Big hugs >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...

#225662 - 05/21/08 10:19 PM Re: To My Mom 13 years later. [Re: ObiWan]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi, Roger,

I'm glad you're feeling better, man. Has anyone told you lately what a great guy you are? Well then I will - ROGER IS A GREAT GUY! There, now everyone knows, eh?


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