Roger, "why use 1 word when I can use 100"
Denial is a powerful safety mechanism, one my aunt still uses to this day. It's sad you never got the chance to say what you wanted to say. I feel your pain in one aspect since I lost my dad to Cirrhosis of the liver from alcohol as age 18. It was right after all the abuse and he thought I was a hooligan, a thug, a looser.
I never got to tell him and I never forgave him for dying on me until I was 38 years old. There was so much I wanted to tell him, so much he didn't know. So one day at 23 I went to his grave with a sandwich and a beer and I told him all the things I wanted to then left a picture of his grandchild and a red rose and said this is what you missed. I cried and left then crawled back in my hole.
Later in life I learned that I hated myself for hating him, I thought it was wrong to be angry for him dying but I learned that he was a sick man and had his own problems. He probably was not even aware of me anymore and died before I could say I really loved him which is what I always wanted to say but never got a chance.
I know he is up there or here somewhere in spirit just as your mom and I'm sure they are proud of how we have pulled through and are able to help others pull through. That we have grown up to be wonderful men with big hearts that care and have a gift that only we can give. The gift of hope, everyone here has that gift and we all give what we can. I'm sure these are the things our long gone loved ones see from the heavens/ afterlife.
Love & Light
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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