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#22343 - 11/24/02 03:38 AM I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
I've learned that I have to create my own sense of safety when I'm around others,or alone. there is also a place for judgment here. When it's someone elses turn to say something insensitive I have to know it is about their own pain not mine. It would be a loving thing to do to let them know the impact their words or actions have had on me When it is my turn to be insensitive I need to hear about it from those I've hurt, it is a loving thing to do.

I wish my mother had a supportive place to go to talk about her fantasies before she started begging me to go to bed with her. I'm glad I sought help before my daughters were born because what I knew about intimacy, I had learned from her and I was pretty disgusted. Because of that, I was terrified that I would hurt my daughters. I have known many people who have vehimently hated what their parents said to them and vowed to never inflict the same words on their own kids only to catch themselves after the fact.
My brother who perped me also perped his own daughter.
My mother learned about intimacy with men from her father and grandfather. My brothers and I were in trouble from the 'git-go.'(the day she learned about men.) (Is that how to spell git-go?) From when we were born, her days with us had already been>

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#22344 - 11/24/02 09:44 AM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
RJD

Your post gives me hope for my recovery. To have come from such an abusive/dysfunctional family and survived, then thrived, shows strength and courage. Facing our shadow (deamons, dark side), which I fear doing is, it seems - is the only way out.

I decided in my early 20's that I could never have a family because I couldn't guaruntee their safety. It really hasn't been an issue in my life, my intimacy issues have kept me from any meaningful intimate long-term relationships.

"I wish my mother had a supportive place to go..." you wrote. I wish my father had had the oportunity (no excuse even so) we have now to share our problems and experiences, and most of all, effective guidance/therapy to deal with abusives childhoods.

When I was 16 and stopped the abuse, I told myself 'I've got to stop the cycle' (not in those words but to that effect). 'There is no way I'll perpetuate what happened to me on another human being'. Unfortunately, I'm stuck emotionally and other ways at age 16 and younger.

I'm working with a T on getting unstuck. The journey looks like a tunnel with no light at the end. Facing the dark side, letting my inner boys of various ages have their feelings and express their hurt, anger and 'g' knows what else, seems to be my only way out.

I have to stay away from "I wish" statements. They lead me into regrets about my past. Both do nothing but make me feel worse, keeping me stuck in the past. I'm my own worse enemy, my unconscience works so hard to keep me down.

"I can unlearn what I've learned." you wrote.
RDJ, that you've learned so much and have put it to work is inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

"So what happened? We unconciously began to compete to see who was the most sensitive caring man. Sensitivety one upmanship prevailed, our shadow was our veiled aggression. " you wrote.

What a reality for me this is! I laughed when I read this. A playful part of me extends it to so many other issues... Who's the most healed? Who's had the worse abuse? Who's the wisest of them all? Who's in the most pain? Who's the most dysfunctional? Let's play "Name that Dysfunction!" I'm sometimes able to recognize when I engage in these games. I have real difficulty knowing when I'm acting out of veiled aggression.

I'm so glad I found this site. You men will have to put up with my crap now :rolleyes: I am looking for connections with others taking the road less traveled, the one toward recovery.

Jer

- Travel gently, with a sense of humor


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#22345 - 11/24/02 10:19 AM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
RJD:

Wow! I can pretty much sum up my response by saying virtually your entire post sounded like you were me writing my story, about my mother!... \:o :rolleyes:

Except I should say my late & younger brother never perped me nor I him. He was physically & mentally "retarded", and I pretty much spent my childhood years taking care of him. I'm quite sure my mother never abused him. No other siblings.

So happily, the cycle of abuse has been broken with my generation, with my daughters. They've not been abused, they're off to college, and I can't fathom them ever abusing (they know about my abuse).

I'm still struggling with intimacy issues, but have been married to a wonderful woman for almost 23 years, and its getting better all the time. I'm also learning to trust & make friends.

You wrote: "Jung refers to the term shadow and describes it as that part of us that we find unacceptable." When I thot of the shadow, I also immediately thot of "The Stranger," the album & title cut from the 70's by Billy Joel. I'd not before heard but like the recovery phrase: "If I keep my shadows before me I control them. If I let my shadows slip behind me (denial)then they control me."

Good insights about oneupmanship, and how it can happen even in recovery settings. A thot to ponder indeed.

Thanks RJD, and you be gentle with yourself, too!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#22346 - 11/24/02 12:58 PM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
RJD,
Thanks for shareing this with us. All I can say is WOW! as well. It was my step-father with me, I havent talked to my brothers or sister to see if I'm alone with this or if he also abused them. Scard to know the answer I guess. I hope I can remember to keep my showdow in front of me. What a great visual, it has controlled me long enough and it's time I took controll of it. That is something me and my t are working on. Just wanted to say ty for sharing this with us.
Your Brother
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#22347 - 11/24/02 07:43 PM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
RJD

Like James, I like this idea...
Quote:
"If I keep my shadows before me I control them. If I let my shadows slip behind me (denial)then they control me."
I like the idea of not having to look over my shoulder any more, look ahead and see what's coming.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#22348 - 11/25/02 01:36 AM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Thanks for your loving support guys. You have all blessed me by your responses.

A powerful image for me is" The monsters in the terrifying shadows of night lose their power as soon as I turn on the light switch and can see the slipper under the bed for what it really is."
Patterns of my fears hold me back. "I'm shit", "If you really knew me you would hate me", "Everyone I come into contact with becomes contaminated," I don't deserve to have good thing happen to me," have been some of my lifelong demons/monsters. These demons were a way of life for me.
To turn on the light by seeking support/therapy/telling my secrets carried a life and death level of fear. Who would I be without the terror I lived.
Then (many years later)I read, "It is not our shadows we fear, it is our light." Wow!-- It shifted my focus of overcoming my fears to embracing my light. I think it helped give me the strength to believe I deserved good things. I went back to school and turned my academic track record around. Some of you know I have recently completed a masters program. To do so was to step into my light. My shadow said, "they made a big mistake accepting you into their program, you know better," but I managed to keep my light in focus.
I still have much work to do ------------ RJD


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#22349 - 11/25/02 11:03 AM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jer:

Brother, we're all about taking each other's crap, as we travel the road less traveled, Recovery Road. Welcome to our expedition party!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#22350 - 11/25/02 11:13 AM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:

Then (many years later)I read, "It is not our shadows we fear, it is our light." Wow!--It shifted my focus of overcoming my fears to embracing my light. I think it helped give me the strength to believe I deserved good things
Great quote! This also shifts the focus from what we're recovering from to what we're recovering to. To the good things we do all deserve.

Quote:

I went back to school and turned my academic track record around. Some of you know I have recently completed a masters program. To do so was to step into my light. My shadow said, "they made a big mistake accepting you into their program, you know better," but I managed to keep my light in focus.
Obviously, "the shadow" was wrong, as "it" usually is. BTW what did you get your masters in?

Quote:

I still have much work to do --RJD
Don't we all bro? Im glad you managed to keep your light in focus, and for your inspiration to help me, and many here I'm sure, do the same.

Take care

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#22351 - 11/25/02 12:00 PM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi RJD,

Your posts are really worth reading. Thanks for opening up your wisdom to us.

We seem to accept an awful lot os lies about ourselves. By your bringing them into the light we all see the lies and lifetraps we have lived by.

I see you have been around for a long time on this forum. I hope we continue to hear of your wisdom and experiences in exorcising your demons.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#22352 - 11/25/02 12:21 PM Re: I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
I can relate well to the shadow. Of course mine was all around me. Wherever I went, whatever I did, and wherever I turned–it was there. I learned to fear it and despise it, yet I let it take over.

Learning of my abuse shed some light on my shadow. My recovery was about dispelling the shadow, not controlling it. Knowing, where the dark spots of my life came from, was the key to eliminating them.

I spent many years trying to adapt to my situation and never managed to succeed. For me that was trying to control my shadow. I finally made a change. I learned why I did things and why I thought things, and then I quit doing and thinking in that way. I accepted my “shadows” as part of who I was, not who I am. That implies a change took place, and it did. I accepted my abuse, how it affected me, and what I did because of it as part of who I was. The recovered me does not let any of the old dark side influence me. It no longer has any power over me.

When I think of trying to control my shadow, I think of Peter Pan chasing down his shadow and trying to stick it to his feet with soap. It didn’t work for him & I doubt it will work for us.

Jer, welcome to this functional junction on the road to recovery.

Devon

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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