Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
beginning (34), Gary H. (41), jewelmom (63), kdg2310 (55), Li Yuki (2014), monarchnaps (36), Neverquit (30), Nord (58), SoSad (45)
Who's Online
2 registered (Jacob S, pow), 21 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63782 Topics
445407 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#223197 - 05/08/08 06:42 AM can't handle details....
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
How do I tell Dh I don't think I can handle the details he's giving me about the abuse?

I want him to be able to talk to me, especially if he's uncovering new memories, but I really don't think I can handle the details.....I have a hard time gettting these images out of my mind...you know? (well, I know you know,,but... you get it...)

I don't want him o think I think he's a freak, or to feel any more ashamed than he already feels. I also don't want him to feel like he has to handle these memories all alone. I *definitely* don't want him to think it has to be a secret - there's been enough of that....

Any suggestions?

We don't have T for another 3 weeks and he doesn't want to call and get his own appointment between now and then - it's not like I can force him. His writing skills are really poor, so I don't think journaling will be an option.

Maybe he will come here...he can type fairly well...

Bless the therapists that listen to this crap when no one else will/can....

have a good one...




Edited by Marissa (05/08/08 06:43 AM)

Top
#223208 - 05/08/08 09:17 AM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: Marissa]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
If you can get him here, that would be great! It would help him in a huge way!!

My wife has flat out said she doesn't want to hear details, but then I've never really given much in the way of details, as I wasn't comfortable sharing them. I think the other side to your situation is that your husband obviously does feel safe and comfortable enough to share those with you. While it's something you can't handle, it says a lot about his trust and love for you!

I'm not sure how to go about telling him it's too much for you to hear, but if you can get him here to put those things out there, it would be a big step in many different ways.


Top
#223216 - 05/08/08 09:55 AM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: JustScott]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Marissa,
Sometimes we as survivors are so relieved to finally be able to safely tell what has happened to us we give to much information. It is like we need to relive it and say it for it to be real. The sad thing is that most people find the details very upsetting and while we are unburdening our chest we are dumping all this toxic history onto someone else that now has to deal with the mental image of a child going through what no child or grown up should ever hear or know.

If he will not make his own T appointment what you can to is do the imaginary choice with him. It may not work on an adult as it does on kids but if you want him to make the appt. tell him he can call this morning or this evening. He can call this T or that T his choice. It gives him the illusion of control as he is making the decision but you choose the ultimate end which is ....he calls for an appt. Just a thought sometimes it works. It works with a lot of things too.

Another thing also is when he starts telling you stuff, focus on his voice and words he uses. Focus n his facial expression and give him feedback on how it made him feel. That may help you forget or not hear the details but still be able to empathize with his feelings. Also notice if he is using language and body language of a child. He may be emotionally going back to that age. That may help diminish the impact of the details.

Good luck and hang in there. These are good posts your putting up.


Top
#223222 - 05/08/08 10:08 AM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: JustScott]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2016
Loc: durham, north england
Marissa, to quote an old saying "the devil's in the details"

when I started on recovery last november, I thought I didn't have to look at the details or go anywhere near what I felt back then. when I was comfortable enough, on this site, with a couple of really close friends or with my T, I could talk in a general way, then push onto the consequences of what it's done to me sinse and what it's doing to me now, ---- nine years after it stopped.

Yee god's I was wrong. three weeks ago I encountered something really terrifying that stems from my abuse, which I've sinse confronted with my t, and I've found myself needing to look at the details, which has been bloody awful, ---- and stil something I'm trying to work through now. Getting to the point of considdering and confronting the details of what happened, not just the general outline of the thing, then going through them safely has been something really difficult for me, even if it's something I've needed to do.

Of course, I'm not your husband, and I can't say what he's feeling, but that would be my thought.

then, there's what I always think of as the "need to know" basis. Saying anything is something I've found hard, so I've gone on a basis of who needs to know what.

Several people Ive told I've been ill, to explain uncompleted tasks or tiredness. my parents and my Phd superviser know that I suffered abuse (the R word was used), ---- though my parents had guess already, and my superviser needed to know to explain why my thesis work was going down the tubes. I don't want, and don't feel the need to tell any of them any more.

three incredibly close friends know a fair amount, sinse I feel really safe with them, and also sinse I'll honestly admit, i've been looking for comfort from them.

I've also told my T, and am going into more details with her as I need to, ---- ditto with the people on this site.

Of course again, this is just me and my rationale for disclosing to people, but if I did ever have a wife or Gf, I've always believed (even back in the days when i thought I was mostly fine), that I'd need to tell her everything, and hoped that I would feel safe enough doing so.

I'm afraid I also have no idea how you explain that your having trouble handling the details to him, ---- though i have to thank you for saying so, sinse you've made me reconsidder my own position on telling someone else.

I'll also agree with Scot that here is a great place to share details. My hand writing is absolutely none-existant as well, and I've never fancied the idea of making a journal anyway (i tried once and failed horribly). but communicating my thoughts here as i had them has really helped me.

I really hope you and your husband get through this, you both deserve it.

Luke.


Top
#223313 - 05/08/08 08:46 PM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: dark empathy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Marissa,

I think the only thing you can do is be honest with him. Be gentle, caring and understanding when you tell him you're happy to talk with him and support him, but explain to him that at the same time this is all new to you and you need time to absorb and process what you already know before you learn details, if you ever do.

I've had the same conversation with my b/f so I know how it goes. He very rarely feels the need to share any details with me, and to be honest, I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't need or want more nightmares in my head than already exist. But on the rare occasion that they've come out, it has been devastating to me. At first, my b/f thought I wanted to know so he was actually forcing himself to talk to me about it until I explained that I didn't; it's bad enough that he lives with the details. He's open with his T which is where I feel that stuff belongs.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#223455 - 05/09/08 03:19 PM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: Marissa]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Marissa,
For me, it's never been so much the mental images that overwhelm me as much as it is ANGER. I get so incredibly angry at everone responsible for what happened to him: the perps, his family, etc.
I know it doesn't seem this way to you right now, but if you read through alot of our posts here in F&F, you'll find that alot of our "battles" center around GETTING our men to talk, so while I know it's hard for you to hear, I'd say keep him talking. If he talks to you, it may make it alittle easier for him to talk to the next person. (Preferably a T with experience in csa)
When my SO first disclosed, he went through a major panic. First wanting me to "forget the conversation" and next alot of anxiety over whether my feelings for him would change once I "knew". It took ALOT of reassurance and still does, 16 years later. I agree with you on the issue of "secrets". We don't even use the word. As painful as it is, the truth is always better. Secrets only complicate matters, because the truth always comes out in one form or another, and suppressing what he feels he needs to say may backfire and cause additional effects of the csa to surface.
And, having tested the "imaginary choice" method on more than one occasion, I can tell you, it DOES work.
Always,
Liv


Top
#223459 - 05/09/08 04:18 PM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Liv,

I agree with you that talking is important, very important, between partners, but the details don't necessarily have to be there if one or both parties are uncomfortable with sharing or hearing them. It's rough enough trying to maintain some kind of stable footing in a relationship that's been touched by csa. I think that unless both parties specifically say the detail sharing is OK, then it should be left between the guy and his T.

I know there are women here who disagree with me. They want to know the details, but I think for the majority of men, it's the last thing they can bear to share with their partner and I don't blame them. I don't see it as keeping a secret at all because hopefully, the guy is in therapy and talking to his T about things he can't-won't-maybe shouldn't share with his partner.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#223468 - 05/09/08 05:25 PM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: Trish4850]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Trish,
You're right, my perspective is slightly different because he isn't in therapy and although he's attempted it twice, he's never stuck with it beyond more than a few visits.
I don't really want to know the details and the entire situation upsets me, but whatever he wants to tell me, it's okay. This isn't who he is, this is something that happened to him. He couldn't tell anyone at 7 years old what was happening, if he wants to tell me now, it's okay. It isn't an everyday occurrence, it's pretty sporadic. And for what it takes out of him to share anything, I just can't see myself pushing him off.
I think alot has to do with what kind of support system the survivor actually has, how many people he's disclosed to, and whether he has a T or not.
If I'm uncomfortable hearing it, I always imagine how uncomfortable he is saying it.
It's "for better or worse", and alot of times, things get worse before they get better.
Always'
Liv


Top
#223479 - 05/09/08 06:35 PM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Liv, I give you credit. I didn't/don't want to hear details and for my b/f that's a relief since he doesn't want to tell them to me. But in the beginning, when he was just spewing, I did listen, even when it was hard. We didn't have the conversation about him not having to do that until he said something like, "I thought you wanted to know." It was relief to both of us when I told him I didn't need to so it was ludicrous for him to force himself.

You're right too that our situations are different, as I think is Marissa's, in that my b/f is in therapy so that's where he works it through. I don't want to be his therapist; I'm his girlfriend which is hard enough at times because of this crap so we/I prefer to stick with dealing with today and the residuals from yesterday while the really hard stuff from yesterday stay with his T.

Marissa, I really hope your husband will come to rely more on the therapist that on you, if not the one you have, then maybe another.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#223584 - 05/10/08 07:08 PM Re: can't handle details.... [Re: Trish4850]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
Marissa,
In most cases the, "its not you, its me" line sounds like a lame excuse - but maybe in this case, it is something that might work! I think that when you have this conversation with your husband, you want to be clear that it is not about him and he is not doing anything wrong. His feelings and experiences are real and valid - and you want to support him in healing. But in order to do that, you need X, Y, and Z (whatever those are - vaguer details, a warning when he wants to give you extra information, etc.). You want to convey that you are there for him, but that because you want to be there for him as a wife (as well as a support system through this ordeal), there need to be some boundaries to what is shared.

Group dynamics professionals will tell you that people have an easier time hearing you calmly if you speak in "I statements". An example of that would be, "when I hear the details of the abuse I feel (fill in the blank) and that makes me (fill in the blank)". Perhaps if you are able to frame your thoughts in a way so they are about you, he will be more able to absorb what you are saying.

I don't have any magic formula for this conversation for you. I think the key is going to be somehow conveying that you want to support him fully, and in order to do that, you need to be able to think clearly - and sometimes his details cloud your mind.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.