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#223196 - 05/08/08 06:37 AM crap...there's more...
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
Dh told me last night that he recalls another incident with a different abuser - again, a female....around that same age as the other abuse....

WTF?? Did they just target this poor kid???

It was kind of odd - I was going through my day yesterday I was wondering if there were going to be more memories of more abuse coming - I just didn't expect that it was going to be a different perp.


That poor child....

Just had to vent....


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#223210 - 05/08/08 09:23 AM Re: crap...there's more... [Re: Marissa]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2586
I have to be honest Marissa, when you described your situation and your husband and what he told you, my first thought was that I was sure there was going to be more. I don't know if he remembered it between the time he told you the first item and now or not, but it might have been a "testing the waters" kind of thing. I was scared to death when I first shared anything with my wife. I was nearly certain that she was going to hate me, leave me, whatever. It's a very very scary thing. Your support has made him feel safe with you. That's a huge thing for someone who has a history of sexual abuse. ESPECIALLY if the abuse came from a female.

I too have multiple perps, two of which were female, and believe you me when I say that trust with women is not something that comes easily to me.

Glad you're here venting. It's a good place for that.


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#223409 - 05/09/08 11:01 AM Re: crap...there's more... [Re: JustScott]
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
Really?

Well - now all I hear is - "I wish I hadn't even told you. You're making such a big deal out of this."

I'm sorry - but is IS a big fucking deal!


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#223414 - 05/09/08 11:11 AM Re: crap...there's more... [Re: Marissa]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2586
Yep, I've been there too. Typically with me, I'll feel safe enough to put something out there, and then after a little time has passed the panic and fear sets in. After all, this was stuff we were never ever supposed to tell anyone about. It's scary. So he's following a pretty normal pattern, at least from my experience.

Part of him knows it needs to come up, he might not know that consciously, but it's there, so when he's feeling safe and secure, it'll start to come out, but that in itself creates anxiety and fear. I can't tell you the number of times I would share something with my wife, and then not too long after wish I could hide it all away again. That if very very normal at this stage of the game.

You're right, it is a big deal. The best thing my wife did for me was to just love me no matter what, and hold me close and just let me know that no matter what, she wasn't going to leave me. Being validated and reassured is a huge thing right now. He's so extremely vulnerable. After all, you now know some of his "dirty secret".


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#223415 - 05/09/08 11:11 AM Re: crap...there's more... [Re: Marissa]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
Marissa
Yes it is a big deal but it is his deal. He has to find his own way. You can not force him. You can only support him.

My wife is a strong women as I sense you are. I know it is tough for her to hold back but she is. I am my begining of getting help, so I do not the path. I do know that making it a big deal will make it worst for him. He is what matters.

Tazrad


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#223420 - 05/09/08 11:24 AM Re: crap...there's more... [Re: tazrad]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Yes Marissa, it is a big deal. For him and for you. He must understand that and I am just not sure he can at this point. His coping methods have helped him surivvie till now. He doesn't know how to cope any other way. That is why he needs a therapist to walk him to the safety area in his mind. To show him how to recognize the mines and how to step around them. Keep teilling him it is not working, and keep telling him how to find what will. That is to find a good CSA therapist and work though this. If he wants a life for you and him it is out there but he the only way out there is through therapy and love and dealing wth what happened to him.


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