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#22303 - 10/13/03 04:49 PM Still sad
malitovsky1 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/23/03
Posts: 11
Loc: Atlanta
I have been trying to feel good or atleast ok. I have been going to therapy but I just cannot seem to shake this feeling that I am no good. I have had these memories now for a couple of months and while I am not as anxious and depressed I still feel so so sad. I know it is depression. I have seen my doctor and we are trying different meds but none really seem to work. I also suffer from chronic pain in my right leg for the past 12 years. With all this added emotional stress I have not been able to deal with the physical pain as well. It seems like I am trying to keep too many balls in the air. I am an opiate addict and was 11 years clean before developing the chronic pain. Now my recovery is different. I am able to stay clean for 2 - 3 years and then usually relapse because of something with the physical pain. 3 years ago I was hit while riding my bicycle. I was under the care of a doctor from a premier treatment center here in Atlanta. I went throught this center in 1996. They felt it may be safe for me to try the slow onset long acting narcotics namely MS Contin. Unforltunately it set my addiction into full blown relapse. I hate that hell. I am scared that I could end up there now with the winter coming soon, a time when I have greater pain. I cannot take narcotics as they are poison but yet I have. 2 months ago I used when the images first appeared. While it has not set off a full relapse, I am still affraid it might. I mean I am feeling less connected atAA for many reasons but none of which should matter but they do. I must somehow just go back to the meeting I went to but I am affraid I might see my ex-girl friend who I split up with around 2 months ago as well. I know too much going on.

It is amazing I have not suicided. If It wasn't for much son's I might have. I just got a phone call from my 19 year old who called because he is worried about me. He called to tell me "Dad I love you so much. I am worried about you." So far that is what has kept me going.

I will just keep one foot infront of the other.

Gary


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#22304 - 10/13/03 05:13 PM Re: Still sad
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Gary,

I know how you feel. I went through it before, and a lot of people have. It sounds so hollow, I know, but it will pass, particularly when you realize how many people are rooting for you.

Your son sounds like a great kid. Think about him from time to time, and remember he got his good heart from you. Hang on for him, and for everyone in your life, because they need you. We need you here too.

One day at a time, Gary. That's all we ask.

Peace and love, my brother. I'm thinking about you.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#22305 - 10/13/03 10:23 PM Re: Still sad
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Gary,

It's me, David. I don't think that we've met.

God, I hear you, buddy, I really do. Feeling down, feeling sad, depressed have been my first, middle and last name.

What can I say to you that you haven't already heard? I think that your son has said it all. What a mensch.......and only 19...you got one great young man, there...calls his Dad, you, to tell him that he loves him and that he's worried. Ya, that's some kid that you helped raise up.
I haven't had your exact problems but I had reasons that the perp who abused me put into my head that have made me feel that I couldn't live another day.
I hope that you find a way to find others who are waiting for you..I just located a group here in Portland who work together to help each other find a way. I hope that you find a way to reassure your struggling son that you will be there for him, no matter what.
I don't know about your kid(s) but mine had to put up with a lot of shit from me and I've just recently dedicated myself to making up for some of that stuff. It will probably take me forever but I'm working at it.
I'm here for you, all of the guys are here for you....one step....one hour.....one day. Does it work for you to find an organization who needs your help? It has for me.

One of your new brothers,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#22306 - 10/19/03 05:37 AM Re: Still sad
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am very sorry that you are in such pain, so very sorry. I have very good friend who has similar problem, with chronic pain, and I am sure she could relate to the emotional stress that goes on you also. I am very glad that you have such a good supportive son, someone who cares so much of you and is someone worth surviving for. Please take care of yourself, I wish you well. I wish I had advice for you.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#22307 - 10/19/03 05:30 PM Re: Still sad
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
malitovsi1

Quote:
It is amazing I have not suicided. If It wasn't for much son's I might have. I just got a phone call from my 19 year old who called because he is worried about me. He called to tell me "Dad I love you so much. I am worried about you." So far that is what has kept me going.
Now I cannot think of a better reason to stick around. It is truly obvious to me that you mare one fine damned good father. And that is a rare talent my brother. Too often we do not see or trivialize our accomplishments. To have a 19 year old call to say he is worried about you is truly mind boggling. All I can say is WOW!!!!

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#22308 - 10/19/03 05:58 PM Re: Still sad
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Gary
you are one lucky guy.

Dave \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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