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#222832 - 05/06/08 12:20 PM My Story As I Remember It Now
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
As many of you know, I am at the beginning for my Therapy. I decided to write a few things down that I remember from my childhood. It is not really much but it is something.

I grew up in a small town in northwest Ohio. My parents were divorced when I was 6 months old. When I was young, my family moved to the country near the small town. I cant recalled when we move into town. I believe it was when I was 5. We lived in heart of the residential area of town. This town only had 3 stoplights. As you would guess, the main street in town was called Main Street. We lived on Wood Street about 5 blocks from Main Street. Our home, which was just across the street from the baseball fields, was a two story old colonial style house.

I started kindergarten just like a normal kid. My brother who is 4 years older was already in school. I donít remember much about him. Back in the 70s, kindergarten was only a half day. I went in the morning. I loved the little letter guys and gals. I canít remember what any of the letter character looked like but they have always been my favorite thing. The teacher would introduce a new character every few weeks and place it on a shelf circling the room.

Well, first and second grade just flew by because I donít remember one thing. I hope I actually was in those grades. The most popular teacher in school was Mr. G. He was a third grade teacher. I wanted to be in his class. I begged my mom to get me in his class. I donít remember being in his class but I am pretty sure I was. That is strange. One side of my brain says ďyeah were in his classĒ and the other says ďI donít think so because you were really disappointed about thatĒ. Well, donít remember much about that either.

Fourth grade came. Somewhere around this time, my brother moved to the city with my dad. He had been getting into trouble and needed discipline. So, I was all alone. Not that I hang out with my brother that much. As I said before, I really have no memory of him. Fourth grade was at a different school in the middle of country, there is not skipping school. Only one grade was in this school. So it was great. We played soccer at our breaks. By the end of the year, I had 30 bruises on my shins from being kick. We didnít have many rules another then get the ball in the goal. I also learn a new word that year. It was ďFuckĒ. I used it all the variations of it. I was a potty mouth. Surprisingly, I never got in trouble because I used it often.

Somewhere around this time is when the A started. Mr. G lived one street over and one street up towards town. He had a one bedroom apartment above a house with a side entrance. The apartment had living room and a dining room. I only remember a few things. One, we used to play army men. We would set the army men up and rolling things at them to knock them down. We also used to eat pizza and chips which was a first for me to eat those together. I donít know when the A started or how it started but it did. I donít remember what we did either but I know I was never penetrated. He said he was too big. I would come to his apartment. We would play and eat. It went on for months. Then I stop going to his apartment because I was busy with sports and friends. A few months pasted, I returned to the apartment for more. It went on for a few more months. I saw some other kids there. I never thought anything about it. That is all I remember.

I was in the sixth grade or maybe the seventh grade. My mother and I were called to the police station/fire station/community center. I used to play in the community center when I was younger while my mom played bingo. So, I knew the building pretty good. I remember only a few things. The police man began questioning about Mr. G. I had not seen him in a few months. I was sitting there with my mom. The policeman begins asking more and more personal questions. Finally I just stop answering questions. They soon realize that I was not talking because my mother was in the room. The policeman decided to take me to another room to discuss this in private. They told me it was the upstairs conference room. So I ran up the back stairs to the conference room. They soon realized that I was gone. So they begin searching for me as I sat quietly in the conference room. It took them about 15 minutes to find me. That is all I remember.

After a few months, they move the case to the next county because everyone knew the case and he could not get a fair trial. My brothers took me to court. I remember they made me wear a hat over my face to get into court. The courts put us in a room with at least 30 other kids and their parents. It was the grand jury testimony I think. About two hours into it, they sent everyone home. They reached a plea deal. He got 50 years.

Well, life in the small town never really returned to normal. I went back to school. Most of the kids knew. They look at me funny and talked behind my back. Most of them were afraid of me. Some wanted to beat me up but I got through it with a few friends. None of them really close but someone to say hi to.

In 1984 (I think), my grandpa went it to the hospital for the same surgery that President Reagan had just a few months earlier. He died from the surgery. This was a turning point in my life because we did not have a lot of money. So, my family moved into my grandpa house in the big city about 30 miles away. I fought the move it at first, but things were not going well at school with teasing and back stabbing. That is about where my memory picks up fully. My father also moved to Florida. So, I did not see that much but now I really did not see him.

In 1986, I decided to go the vocational high school in the downtown of the city which was 30 minutes from my house on the public buses. I had some friends in school but because everyone was from different parts of town I was never close to them. I the summer of 1988, I went to visit my father in Florida. He ask me to stay. Since I did not have much in Ohio, I said yes.

Life started at the point.


Thanks for listening
Tazrad


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#222839 - 05/06/08 12:47 PM Re: My Story As I Remember It Now [Re: tazrad]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi Taz. This kind of hits home for me because, much like you, in the 70's (I'm 39 now) I was welcomed into the home of a man that lived down the street. Things were ok at first, then the sexual advances started and I was totally defenseless.

Where our stories part, however, is the fact that my perp never got caught, I DOUBT that I was the only victim because he was very refined in his technique, so to speak.

But anyway, I get the jist of your story. You were being raised in a broken home, your mother was probably busy working to support the household, and you were left on your own to do whatever you wanted, just make sure you don't run out in front of any cars right?

As a child, you had the RIGHT to be watched over. You had the RIGHT to not be allowed to be behind closed doors of an unknown/untrusted adult. You had the RIGHT to be asked "What did you do today?" "Where did you go today?" "What did you do when you were there?" "Who is this man?", these types of questions SHOULD have been asked of you, but they weren't were they? (I made some assumptions here, just let me know if I'm wrong ok?)

How are things going in your life today Taz?


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#223013 - 05/07/08 08:25 AM Re: My Story As I Remember It Now [Re: Hauser]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
Hauser
My mother did the best she could watching over me.

I think those question were ask of me. Mr. G was a respected teacher in town so it might have gone unnoticed. Also, I could have lied.

Well, today, I have an ex-wife and 3 wonderful children. I remarried about 2 years ago to a awesome women who loves and cares for me very much. I have managed to graduated from college. I have a good career. All is not that bad.

Tazrad


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#223053 - 05/07/08 01:38 PM Re: My Story As I Remember It Now [Re: tazrad]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3369
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Taz,

thank you for sharing your past

is really sad when someone you trust and look up to hurts you in such a way

I really hope that as you work through recovery you will come to fully understand and feel that what happened was in no way your fault

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#223394 - 05/09/08 09:54 AM Re: My Story As I Remember It Now [Re: TJ jeff]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
It was pointed out by my wife that I did not discuss my step dad. In thinking about my story, I realized that I did not think about it very hard to try and remember the whole story. Why did I leave some parts out that I clearly I memories of? My step dad memories were probably cast aside because they were meaningless or did not add any value (either positive or negative) to my life. That is a little harsh but true. So here is the story on my step dad.

My mother married him when I was 3 or 4. We then move the country. He is a Vietnam Veteran. He worked to support our family. He did an ok job. He used to smoke pot in front of me. He enjoyed smoking it. I knew it was not right but never knew what affects it had on you until I was older. I think he used the Vietnam War as a crutch for himself. When I was 13, the Vietnam War Memorial was opening in Washington DC. He wanted to go see it and I decided to go with him. We arrived the weekend before the opening. The wall was finish so we were able to see it even through it was not opened to the public. After we saw it in the dark for a few minutes, we were escorted away by the police which was kind of exciting for a young teenager. I did get to see the Lincoln Monument. This is the only trip to DC. There are other memories of him. He would drive my brother and me to my father house.


Not much there. But it is said. One day, I will try remembering a little harder. I think I am scared at what I will find.

Tazrad


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#223526 - 05/10/08 05:09 AM Re: My Story As I Remember It Now [Re: tazrad]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tazrad,

It pains me to read stories like this, knowing that they would not be repeated today. Now you would not have been exposed to public view and the emphasis would have been on your safety and confidentiality.

But I'm glad you got through this and I hope you can appreciate the significance of your accomplishments since then. You're doing the hard work and should be proud of that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#223541 - 05/10/08 09:10 AM Re: My Story As I Remember It Now [Re: roadrunner]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Tazrad

I am so sorry you had to endure that pain... both the abuse from your perp and the publicity that followed. You are a brave man - thank you for sharing your difficult story. And, like Larry, I hope you see how strong you are to have done what you have to reach this point.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#223545 - 05/10/08 10:15 AM Re: My Story As I Remember It Now [Re: dannym]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Tazrad,

Thanks for sharing your story with us, I'm glad you were able to write it out and put the clarity of thought that you did into it. I know how hard that is for so many guys. I see a lot of inner strength in you through your post.

_________________________
Eddie

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