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#222841 - 05/06/08 01:11 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Marissa]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
marissa, I'm really touched by the story of you and your husband.

It might just be that my own experiences are slightly similar to his, and that if it weren't for a really nasty shock last november which very painfully kicked me out of my "well I'm fine" thinking, I'd probably stil be there myself.

the thought of not just going through those experiences, but watching someone i CARED ABOUT go through them feels like absolute torture to me, and your feelings towards your husband, despite everything are absolutely beautiful, ---- in fact i'm now crying.

I can't really add anything to what's already been said. your husband has started the journey, ---- and that's the most important thing, even if the journey is bloody hard sometimes.

I really hope things get better, ---- you both deserve it.

Luke.


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#222843 - 05/06/08 01:13 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Marissa]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
At this point marissa, yep. It will be a while before that happens but if you two can work on it consistantly it will happen a lot faster. It will be up to him though and I am sorry to tell you that. It will be on his timetable.


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#222844 - 05/06/08 01:22 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Freedom49]
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
Thank you both.

The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that he decided to tell me about this because our T had challenged him to examine events in his childhood that may have lent him towards a basic mistrust of women.

This would be the first ttime he has *ever* followed through on something she asked him to do that involved an examination of his life or feelings, etc.

I had seen a T on Oprah say that 90% of our pain as adults comes from unresolved events as children. I told him this.

He said, Remember when T said that thing about my childhood? Well, I've been thinking about it and the only thing I can think of is...and he proceeds to tell me of the abuse.

I was slack-jawed other than crying and just not even believing what I was hearing...

Then he says.."But I don't think that's it..."



Breathing in and out...I know, I know..you all have told me this will take time. So in the meantime I will just come here and piss and moan to you all about it....




Edited by Marissa (05/06/08 01:23 PM)

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#222855 - 05/06/08 02:13 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Marissa]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
.



Edited by Robbie Brown (05/09/08 08:34 AM)
_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#222856 - 05/06/08 02:18 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Still]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Piss and moan all you want. That is what we are here for and it will get better. Right now he is still in denial. So was I for decades but once I started dealing with it things imporved. Lots of things because it affects an amazing amount of your life.


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#222858 - 05/06/08 02:23 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Marissa]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Marissa

As a spouse, I can totally relate to your situation. Your not asking for too much. My husband told me about his abuse about 4 years ago after a discovered numerous lies and extramarital affairs. He went to counseling for about 2 years but quit. It helped a tiny bit but there was so much work to be done. I cant make him go back.However, I told him we wont make another 13 years together if he doesn't go back to counseling. The csa keeps him and our relationship in total bondage. My H acts out by shutting me out emotionally. Sometimes he wont speak to me for days when hes angry at me. He is sad aroung holidays, birthdays (even mine) expecially Christmas. When he feels unsure of himself he has affairs w/ other women. Even though he says there is no sex between them. It is a total drain to have a spouse suffering w/ csa. I just wish we could be free and unencumbered. I think its ok to prod or push your spouse gently! The decision is up to them. If the marriage fizzles in the process, I think thats a chance you just have to take. hang in there! Keep visiting this site and think about some counseling for yourself. It will help.


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#222859 - 05/06/08 02:24 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2579
Ah denial. What a crappy thing. If my wifed had asked me point blank before we got married if I had been abused as a child, or even sexually abused as a child, I would have very honestly and truthfully said absolutely not!

9 years of marriage and I just recently figured out that wasn't the case.

You're husband might not even realize that what happened to him was abuse.


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#222884 - 05/06/08 04:52 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: JustScott]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
.



Edited by Robbie Brown (05/09/08 08:34 AM)
_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#222904 - 05/06/08 06:26 PM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Marissa]
Jblerner Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 2
Loc: New Jersey, USA
It isn't asking too much. However, life is rarely fair and we have to deal with what is and not what we might like to be in a perfect world. I would suggest that your husband enter his own individual psychotherapy in addition to the couples work that is taking place. The issues that he is dealing with are going to take a long time to deal with and need the help that can only be carried out in individual insight oriented psychotherapy. As a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist for the last 30 years I can tell you that the fact that he is now beginning to look at these issues is a good thing but that one cannot simply knock down defenses. Those defenses were created long ago because he needed them. They may be maladaptive in the present but they won't simply disappear. The change will come gradually if your husband can find the strength in himself to work in and out of therapy.

Best regards,


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#222980 - 05/07/08 02:10 AM Re: New - please help me.... [Re: Jblerner]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Marissa,

My husband and I finally confronted the 800 pound gorilla sitting in the corner of our lives about 6 months ago. I don't feel comfortable to give anyone much advise since I am still flounding with a lot of this myself but I do want to say that you are not alone with this. There are some incredible people here at MS for support and advise.

Just knowing you have somewhere to go and have people that you can talk to that understand what you are going through is such a help.

hang in there and a big hug to you.


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