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#222698 - 05/05/08 10:00 PM What to do?
antiphaedre Offline


Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 8
Hello again. Guy is confusing me soo much. He has recently made some somewhat romantic overtures but when confronted directly with them he stated that I was a "free agent". I am very confused as I am very sure that he is romantically interested in me. What do I do?


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#222705 - 05/05/08 10:32 PM Re: What to do? [Re: antiphaedre]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
antiphaedre,

Sorry, but I'm confused too. What kind of romantic overtures and what does "confronted directly with them" mean? I gathered from your previous post that you were involved with this man, but now I'm not sure exactly how. Are you romantically interested in him?

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#222717 - 05/05/08 11:47 PM Re: What to do? [Re: Trish4850]
antiphaedre Offline


Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 8
Yes I am romantically interested in him. We discussed this early on in our relationship and he said he needed more time. This was about 9 months ago. Since then we've been spending a lot more time together and I've grown to care for him quite a bit and I can tell he cares for me. About a month or two ago he started touching me a lot more, he began complimented me on my looks, acted jealous if I've mentioned other men, displayed slight possesiveness. Recently he called one of our outings a date to one of our mutual friends right in front of me. When I meantioned the date thing to him and made it clear that this was not a bad thing he stated that I was a "free agent" and that I shouldn't wait for him. I'll stick around either way but I just want to know what to do with this romantic stuff. I don't want to ruin the friendship but I don't want to ignore a romantic relationship with him if one is possible.



Edited by antiphaedre (05/05/08 11:48 PM)

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#222743 - 05/06/08 04:12 AM Re: What to do? [Re: antiphaedre]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
I'm really sorry, I'm probably not in a position to comment sinse my own relationship problems are fairly major and though I've got a lot of female friends, I've never in fact had a Gf, much less discussed my Sa with them or considdered romantic interest. But several things you describe him doing really resonate with me, ---- especially considdering the work I'm doing recovery wise at the moment.

The major thing is fear. One thing I've realized is that while I'm quite happy with the idea of female friends, the moment the question of anything closer comes up, I either completely can't see it and ignore it, ---- even when others believe that it's incredibly overt, and if it's made so blatant to me that I can't avoid perceiving it, I start to feel afraid and out of control.
I also find expressing that sort of interest myself really difficult, much less following things through.

On the one occasion i did give a complement about a girl's appearence, it was such a difficult thing I ended up literally stuttering and unable to get the words out, ---- and even holding her hand for a few seconds nearly destroyed me.

things didn't exactly work out well then (sinse she was already with someone else, despite all my efforts over several months to determine whether she was or not), but if she had picked up on things, I probably wouldn't have had enough courage to follow through, in fact I really don't know what I'd do with such a response, ---- perhaps even shrug it off.

If for example I got to the stage with someone of crossing the barrier and saying I was on a date, ---- that would probably be a really big step, and I certainly wouldn't be able to take things further, or be able to deal with her interest.


Physical contact and affection for me is very much the same, ---- when a female friend hugged me I quite literally froze, and any gesture of physical affection on my part takes a lot of effort.

Of course I'm not him, and what hefeels and does might be completely different. I'm also not sure what could be done about the fear apart from taking things really slowly and gently, ---- maybe having a conversation about it, ---- though that would depend upon the circumstances.

i'm really sorry if this has been unhelpful and that I've not been able to offer any propper advice, it's just as I said, I recognized something in your de>

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#222759 - 05/06/08 07:44 AM Re: What to do? [Re: dark empathy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I think dark empathy probably hit on a great many things that your friend is going through, at least it makes perfect sense to me from what youíve described. Itís a very difficult position for you to be in. The tensions between a man and a woman who are teetering on the edge of getting involved or not can be a tremendous amount of fun and flirtation or total melt down stress if both people arenít at or at least near the same place. I canít speak from his perspective, but I can try to empathize with yours. The friendship you have is obviously important to you, so try your best to concentrate on that and let things evolve at a pace you can both live with. Itíll be rough no doubt since your feelings for him may want to move at a faster pace. Thatís where you get tangled up and thatís where you have some tough decisions to make.

If you get involved with him as more than a friend, that road is very, very rough. Do you think he can give you want you want from a relationship? He may be a great guy, but his past will place some very high mountains in your way. I donít know your ages or life experiences, but this is really something to very seriously consider for the long haul.

In the meanwhile, when he makes comments like youíre ďa Ďfree agentí and that I shouldn't wait for himĒ you can just tell him you know that and youíre not waiting for anything, you just enjoy spending time with him. If thatís the truth, it might just take some pressure off of both of you.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#222901 - 05/06/08 06:15 PM Re: What to do? [Re: Trish4850]
antiphaedre Offline


Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 8
Thanks again to you both. I think I'm just going to concentrate on the friendship and see where it goes. I'm just a little scared right now because it feels like he's pulling away a bit. Hopefully with a little space all will be well.



Edited by antiphaedre (05/06/08 06:17 PM)

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#223025 - 05/07/08 11:02 AM Re: What to do? [Re: antiphaedre]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
I'm sorry it took me a while to respond to this - I've been meaning to write to you since I saw your posting. Your de>

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