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#222183 - 05/02/08 04:07 PM troubled
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i don't hate life. i like living.
but i DEFinitely HATE my existance.
this thing i try to call my life, which is nothing more than moving one foot in front of the other.
over and over
getting nowhere - having nowhere really to go.
not really caring if i go anywhere either

how long can this continue?
i get to feel good for part of an hour (usually) during my T session (once a week)
sometimes get some good feeling during group (also once a week)

i don't have the life i want - i don't see that i'll ever have the life i want.

how do you convince yourself to be content with what you've got?

kinda like - how do you get yourself to eat something that makes you gag........

M


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#222185 - 05/02/08 04:53 PM Re: troubled [Re: MarkK]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Originally Posted By: MarkK

how do you convince yourself to be content with what you've got?



M

Mark,
I do hear what you are saying, I so understand. When I look at my life, or lack of life better discribes it, I can only think to myself that there just has to be more to my life than what I am living now.

If this is it, my life, then why am I here? There is no convincing me where I am now is where I want to be.

So I go to therapy and group therapy. I try to find good in that and try to focus on things I can do for myself. I try to pick up little bits of info. from the other guys that make sense to me, that I might want to try in my life and see if they work for me.

For me, I know if I ever lose my desire, my determination, then I will give up. I hope and pray that will never happen.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#222319 - 05/03/08 05:10 PM Re: troubled [Re: KENKEN]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: KENKEN
For me, I know if I ever lose my desire, my determination, then I will give up.


that's what scares me - that's exactly where i feel i've come. i don't care. talking to my T today about my desire to quit. and it's not just a loss of determination - it's a "hunger" to give up.

but i've also know - if i quit this time - i'm done. i can't climb up the starting ramp again.

i just don't know what to do.

m


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#222326 - 05/03/08 07:07 PM Re: troubled [Re: MarkK]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Mark,

I think for me it is just knowing in my heart and soul, life just has to get better, life just has to have more to offer me.

My mind says over and over, why keep on working so hard to take one step forward and two steps back?

And the other part of me says, if I give up/if I quit, then what is there to live for?

So for me Mark, I strive to do what my friends/family want me to do. They say they love me, they say they want me to be me again, they want the ole Ken back b/4 I disclosed to them. My kids do love me, so they say. They want me to be around to see my grand kids.

But they are not the ones who have to put up with constant nightmares, constant anxiety and depression. They do not realize that prior to me disclosing to them my CSA, I lived with this horrible nightmare, keeping it my little/big secret.

I can only suggest that with prayer and meditation I will do what God wants me to do. He does know what is best for me. I Guess that is what I am holding onto.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#222333 - 05/03/08 08:26 PM Re: troubled [Re: KENKEN]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Mark,

I think Ken is right when he says that it is a matter of knowing in your heart and soul that life just has to get better. And it will. There may be days where you take two steps back and only one step forward, but there will be other days to compensate for that as well. Hang on, Mark. It will get better.

_________________________
Eddie

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#222343 - 05/03/08 09:02 PM Re: troubled [Re: EGL]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: EGL
I think Ken is right when he says that it is a matter of knowing in your heart and soul that life just has to get better.

then i can give up now
because i don't know that


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#222351 - 05/03/08 09:21 PM Re: troubled [Re: MarkK]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
I think it may come in time, Mark. But when you're in the depths, that feeling may seem way too far away to feel like things even have a remote possibility of getting better. But giving up isn't the answer; I know it seems like it at times.

_________________________
Eddie

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#222363 - 05/03/08 09:40 PM Re: troubled [Re: EGL]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
MAY come
in TIME

may not.

it's always possible i may never feel any better than i do right now.

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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