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#22188 - 10/13/03 12:55 PM Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
I am freaking out today. Yesterday I spent the day with my g/f and we started to have sex and I freaked. I don't know how explicit I'm allowed to be on here, so if I'm out of line, let me know. She was starting to go down on me (one of the easier ways for me to get off - no real contact, I guess) and all of these fragments of memories kept coming into my head. They would not stop. Even when I tried to slip into my whole violent male fantasy thing in my head, I couldn't - the flashbacks just kept floating back in. It's not that I haven't had them before, but I can usually drive them out with the violent shit. It went on forever and needless to say, I couldn't come and got really angry.

My therapy appt. on Friday can't get here soon enough. Every day, I feel like I go through something else and I'm getting frustrated with it. These memories fucking suck and when I can't control them I get really angry. I'm hurting so much today. The feeling in my stomach is unbearable... now that I told her about the abuse, I know she knows why I'm like this. Hurting, frustrated, embarrassed, scared.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#22189 - 10/13/03 01:36 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
I'm sorry that you're having this experience. Lately I've been having nightmares that I'd never had before...men holding guns to my head and having their way with me...a vision of a tall man standing over my bed, so real I have to open my eyes to be sure no one is there. I guess it's part of the process. The good thing is, she knows what happened, she knows why you react the way you do...yet she's still there!! Keep talking to her about it. I've found lately that the more I talk about it, something I hadn't done before, the more I find that people are accepting, supportive and want to listen. I'm only at the beginning of learning and changing but I see the differences already even though they are small. Good luck, be well, don't dwell on it...This too shall pass (I hate that saying but it is so true).


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#22190 - 10/13/03 03:50 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Sean, Sinking,

You guys got some of the higher numbers in membership and your posting and helping one another already. I think that this place is really great with examples like yours.

I'm so sorry for us all to have to suffer shit like this. I mean, wasn't the original stuff enough. But the talking, the encouraging that goes on here, is really strong, life supporting love that none of got when we needed it the most.

Thanks, Sean, for being so open about what's going on with you. All of this helps. All of the talking you can do here will help on Friday when you talk with your therapist. This place can help you find the words for Friday when you need to use that time to the best of your ability. That's how you can maximize your therapy.

Thanks to you too, Sinking..sorry I don't remember any other handle...for responding in the "big brother" fashion that I appreciate so much here. Your suggestion of keep talking to those whom we love is right on.

My wife has known about my history since before we were married but not the details. This year, I told her some of the details and we've never been closer....God, I remember that embrace.

Sean, goes easy on yourself, man. There will be times. Just knowing that you don't have to be King Kong every time may let you relax some.
God, I hope that this doesn't sound trite and simple, but when I have totally concerntrated on my wife's pleasure with as many exciting things that I can think of, that she's enjoys, we've had some of the best sex. Gotta stop now. Don't tell ME that the biggest sex organ isn't the brain.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the reasons that you guys find yourselves here, but glad that I met you this morning------keep coming back with your openness and your loving support.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#22191 - 10/13/03 05:26 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I had a very interesting group session today. The lady therapist is not only a SA specialist but a Psychosexual therapist as well, so she's got her work cut out with us guys !

I was relating in the group how my 'regular' fantasy doesn't work any more, whether doing it myself or with my wife. And also at another level I feel I still need a fantasy to help me along. I have no problems with the mechanical side of things but I do with being intimate and initiating sex.

The therapist suddenly said "don't reveal you fantasy !"
I was a bit stunned, but she explained that if I revealed it then it would no longer be a fantasy.
Well, it's one I revealed a long time ago in 1 to 1 , here, and I thought in the group. It's my good old "I want to give bj's" fantasy.

So that's gone then ? and it appears it has - she's right. I've shared it and it no longer works.
But the problem ( for me ) is that I haven't dreamed up a new one to replace it yet.
And also I'm afraid ( and ashamed ) of having to accept that I use 'any' fantasy.
I'm afraid because years ago my BJ fantasy spirraled out of control and led to me acting out. And I don't want that to happen again.

But she also pointed out that research shows that a huge percentage of men and women actually rely on fantasy, and indeed, she as a psychosexual therapist recommends it to her couples clients.

As she say's "what we do in our minds doesn't actually hurt us, or our partners" She did agree with me that my fear was a real one, but that now I know about it it's unlikely that I'll fall into that scenario ever again - I'll spot it coming.

So are we being to hard and judgemental on ourselves for our fantasies ?

I think we might just be.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#22192 - 10/13/03 05:49 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
A fantasy is just that Lloyd. Nothing more. It continues to be a fantasy until it is fulfilled or talked about. There are good fantasies and bad fantasies. I am sure we all have them.

Over the years I have had some of the sickest fantasies I can imagine. The key is they do not draw me in anymore.

And yes I think that we are too hard on ourselves.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#22193 - 10/13/03 07:49 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
guys,
i want to throw in my support as well. i plan on being more direct tin that later, but the last two responses before mine raised the question i have been struggling with the last few weeks. i still struggle with the fantasies of adolescent girls, but have gained some ground in understanding certain aspects of the dynamic so i am not so hard on myself as of late. all the responses to that post and the pm's have done wonders for putting that into a more balanced perspective. the question i have now concerns the use of fantasies during intimacy with one's significant other in order to be able to participate fully. more specifically, the use of fantasies during intimacy was one of the things that most hurt lady theo when this all hit the fan three months ago. i did not need to use fantasy at those times because it was not necessary. there had been one or two times that an image intruded when we were intimate, but i shut those off immediately. i felt extreme guilt for even having such an image during our intimacy. lately this has had an impact on our intimacy because i do not want to hurt her in any way and the guilt i feel just takes that feeling of intimacy away. the question i have is simply this, in light of the current conversation and our individual histories, are fantasies of others during intimacy detrimental to self and/or SO? i do not want to imply in any way i am making a value judgement here on this issue. quite the contrary in fact. i am concerned about the effects of my guilt, and the influence of what i survived, are having on my relationship. how normal is it to have such fantasies while in the middle of intimacy with one you love? my own experience is far too negative for me to have a balanced perspective. i don't want to hurt her again, but i don't want to hurt myself either. i know i am being to hard on myself, but i am faced with debating whether or not i am being unfaithful in some weird way when those images intrude. sorry, rambling (such is my forte' \:\) ). if response to this is beyond the scope of this thread please do not hesitate to pm.

as can be seen, i really have no insight to offer sean and sinking. what i can say is that i am traveling that road as well and will gladly share what i have been going through if it helps either of you.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#22194 - 10/13/03 07:58 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
While well-meant, the last three posts speak of 'fantasy' which, I'm sure you'll agree, is far different from flashbacks which is what Sean has been experiencing. I only point this out so that we can remain focused and not take away from the help we intend to give. While both can be and are very scary at times, Sean is looking for a way to deal with the flashbacks. They are based in reality...fantasies are easier put aside since we know they are just that, fantasies. Maybe a new thread to discuss fantasies is in order so the focus can return to flashbacks, something many of us probably experience. Peace.


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#22195 - 10/13/03 08:49 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Sean,

Damn them flashbacks. They never come at a convienent time. Of course there is no such time that they would be convienent.

What did your flashback tell you? What were these fragments? You don't have to tell us, but what do they tell you. These fragments of issues that need to be resolved.

I am sorry that the ill-timed flashback ruined your moment and brings you such grief. I have come to appreciate my flashbacks, I can't stand having them, but I appreciate my subconcious, or what ever it is, letting me know what is what and what needs to be addressed.

Now to sinking's nightmare. This is an absolutely beautiful nightmare. Please don't take this wrong, no nightmare is pleasant to live through and I wish you didn't have cause to have any. But the message in the dream is its beauty, your SA was no way your fault and you are in no way to blame nor have a reason to feel guilty. The men with guns to your head, forcing you, restraining you emotionally through fear and self preservation. The men having their way with you, your SA and perp(s). And the tall man looking over this scene, you standing taller than you ever had before, because you can see the truth of the SA. You are not to blame. You are not guilty of anything. You have no reason to feel shame.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#22196 - 10/13/03 08:51 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Sean a flashback is a really terrible thing. What it does is take you back immediately to the past. What you must try to do is to understand the triggers that bring this on. You can then discuss them with your GF and your therapist.

I know that I still feel unclean although I am not. I also know that during love making with my wife in the past I have experienced what I can only call being outside my body and somewhere else. Scared the hell out of me. I always wanted love making in the dark so I would be blind. One thing I did was to turn the lights on and open my eyes. Personally I found that to be terribly exciting for me. That was when I discovered the difference between love making and what I had substituted it with in the past and during my SA and prostitution years. SEX!!!

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#22197 - 10/14/03 08:02 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yes, I missed the point slightly with my earlier reply and left out the flashbacks.

And it's an important part of my story as well.
Because it was flashbacks of my abuse that started the fantasies ( for me )

My 'main' abuser was more obsessed with me giving him a bj than other sex acts, and that was my flashback - although it wasn't ever a memory that came back to me because it's something that ended at 15yo and I've never forgot.
But the image, sometimes a taste and smell' would just hit me at times and send me reeling. I didn't know what these powerful memories were or how to deal with them.

So I adapted them, I altered them until I had the 'control' over the situation. I was in charge.
I turned flashback to fantasy. That was my survival technique - a good one ? very debatable.
But I've said before that I'm grateful for whatever got me through the day.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#22198 - 10/14/03 09:20 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Hey all, thanks as always for making me feel a little less alone in all of this.

Just to clarify, the flashbacks for me are just the brief memories I have and some of the memories I recovered in therapy. While tough enough to deal with on their own, they double in intensity when brought on during sex. And when I couldn't force them away, I just went into panic mode with my g/f. I didn't want her to touch me after a while, especially when I couldn't escape into my tried-and-true fantasies. (No one was really off-topic here with the fantasy stuff... the guilt of using these violent scenarios plagues me every time I use them and your posts did help.) My guilt is not that I have the fantasies but more THAT I NEED THEM. If they were just an option, that would be one thing. But that my body refuses to let go without them... just frustrating. And yes, the subject matter disturbs me (why I need such violent scenes just to escape from my body.)

Things are a bit better today. The memories will not leave my mind... floating in and out last night in bed and today at work. My therapist used to say I need to thank my subconscious when it hands me things free of charge. Gee, thanks. \:\)

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#22199 - 10/14/03 09:45 PM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Hay dude, your not alone, Sex, brings up alot of emotions and Flashbacks for me to. And tryig to hide them us just the srart.

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#22200 - 10/15/03 02:35 AM Re: Flashbacks during sex... feeling terrified.
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Flashbacks and fantasies. Have the former, never found any of the latter to do me any good. I wish they did. I just keep imagining the flashes of violation when I'm in an intimate situation and I shut down. Only booze would get me past it, and I quit drinking. Ugh. Reminds me of the Richard Thompson song "When will I ever be simple again?"

When indeed. Good advice here in this post. As ever.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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