Hey all, thanks as always for making me feel a little less alone in all of this.
Just to clarify, the flashbacks for me are just the brief memories I have and some of the memories I recovered in therapy. While tough enough to deal with on their own, they double in intensity when brought on during sex. And when I couldn't force them away, I just went into panic mode with my g/f. I didn't want her to touch me after a while, especially when I couldn't escape into my tried-and-true fantasies. (No one was really off-topic here with the fantasy stuff... the guilt of using these violent scenarios plagues me every time I use them and your posts did help.) My guilt is not that I have the fantasies but more THAT I NEED THEM. If they were just an option, that would be one thing. But that my body refuses to let go without them... just frustrating. And yes, the subject matter disturbs me (why I need such violent scenes just to escape from my body.)
Things are a bit better today. The memories will not leave my mind... floating in and out last night in bed and today at work. My therapist used to say I need to thank my subconscious when it hands me things free of charge. Gee, thanks.