Well, I see my therapist on Friday and with the all the messed up feelings I have it's about perfect timing. I have decided to share my story.
I was an average kid with missing teeth and a rat tail. We lived in a duplex where my abuser later moved next door. He was a bully with me in the beginning, pushing me around and calling me names. He was 14 years old and I was 7 maybe 8. The first time anything ever happened was in a tin shed next door where he kept a pornographic magazine hidden. He stole it from his dad and he decided to one day show me. I asked what we were looking at and he explained it was sex. He untied his pants and masturbated in front of me and then asked me to help him and so I did. Naturally he finished and I had no damn clue what was going on. We also had a big garage in the backyard, he would lay me over his knees on my back and give me oral sex until i said stop and even when I did he continued until the feelings overwhelmed me. He threatened to beat me up and even kill me if I ever told anyone.
This went on for I don't know how long but for awhile. He made me give him oral sex on one occasion and I'm not sure how it ended but it did. I was forced to watch pornography with him, he was my best friend I thought and he was my babysitter which only made things worse. He threatened to tell my parents I was bad. He told me to have sex with pillows and teddy bears. He fucked me up real good. Looking back so much how I grew up was distorted in the world of sex. Eventually my parents caught on due catching me touching myself in public. They asked what happened and I gave them a half truth, never revealing the touching and oral sex until 8 months ago.
These feelings of guilt and shame are here with me to this day, I am completely lost sexually. I have begun to hate sexuality. Am I attracted to men or women? Is this all tied to my abuse? This all happened 14 years ago, James was his name and I see him around sometimes. If he wanted to fuck me up, he succeeded.
So now I have to heal my inner child, I thought he was dead but now I realize that he wants out.
I am the warrior.