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#220852 - 04/27/08 03:57 AM This is not life
DREAMCATCHER Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/03/07
Posts: 14
Loc: ENGLAND
Hi every one, first of all I would like to say sorry for what I am about to type....Sorry....but I do not know where else to dump this s--t. I am a Peace loving person and all for world peace, it even hurts me to see how many trees give up their lives to give birth to paper for us humans to waste on inane trash and advertising...but... over the last 9 months I have built up so much anger and hate my world is falling apart and I can do nothing to stop it. I do not know my husband anymore there is a massive wall between us most of the time and I really do feel he thinks more of you guys than he does of me...the amount of time he spends on the computer day and night after night after night with headphones on and when I talk to him he snaps back at me as though I have intruded in his world where I do not exist, we argue most days and I cry most days (I am not a drama queen) He has gone so cold I always knew he was emotionally stunted but now he is void of all emotion and it is getting increasingly harder to communicate with him without a temper tantrum or argument. It angers me so much to think that a man (his so called father) can adopt a baby and prime him and farm him out without a care or thought of any future consequences for the child sickens me to the core and the fact that I have never met him yet HE is the one to blame and he has not only ruined myusbands life but mine also, I would willingly watch him die a horrible slow painful death. Yes thats harsh but so is life. I am at the end of my tether and dont know what to do, Please do not suggest a break apart, or for him to go into hospital as these are the worst things that could happen, if we have a break I do not come back for we get through this together or not at all I will not be put on the shelf till its time to live again, I do not back track..and as for hospital he has tried that and as far as I am concerned it was the worst thing he could have done for many reasons that I wont go into at present I just dont know what to do or where to to go from here but I do know this cannot carry on as I am mentally and emotionally worn out physically drained, I hate waking up each day and I hate my life right now, I have now gone on sick leave as I just cant summon up a happy disposition to go in to work as I deal with elderly people and it woul not fair on them, but I still have to keep it together enough to kep the house running, pay the bills and look afer my mother, I want to scream but I cant.....Sorry I just realised how much I have rambled on yet so much more to say, but I wont, SORRY



Edited by DREAMCATCHER (04/27/08 04:11 AM)
_________________________
Hope your dreams are of Self Love and Inner Peace,Your thought is your creation, Create a world of Love and Light for all to live in.
Collective thought is very powerful

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#220861 - 04/27/08 06:57 AM Re: This is not life [Re: DREAMCATCHER]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Hi DREAMCATCHER,
I don't know you or your husband or your situation other than what you just posted.
What I do know is that you need to take care of yourself and it sounds like you are depressed. Have you done something for yourself lately? You can still be supportive and "go through it together" without it taking over your life. You said it yourself ( your thought is your creation) I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you can find some relief soon. Maybe find something other to focus your energy on that will be uplifting. by all meant vent all you want, ramble on and get it out of your system. When overcome with depression its hard to focus on anything and talking about it does help. I'm sure others here on F&F can give you some good guidance on your situation. Life is not black & white, there is a lot of gray areas and many colors.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ŰŅŰ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#220863 - 04/27/08 09:33 AM Re: This is not life [Re: GateKPR4]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Dreamcatcher:

Hi. I would first like to say that you are not alone in this and that there is hope. For five years or so before my husband disclosed that he was sexually abused as a boy, he became withdrawn. Television, wine, internet, grumpiness...these were all an everyday thing. I kept telling myself that "tomorrow" it would get better but the trouble is, if nothing changes within the pattern or if neither person is willing to address there is an issue...nothing will happen but more of the same.

During that time, I was forced to continue to live regardless of his withdrawal. The kids and I still had fun, went on vacations (without him) still laughed. It wasn't until he hit rock bottom that we entered therapy. In many ways this experience has been a very difficult road going BUT I feel as if it has been the best thing to ever happen to us for the long run. It's all about quality of life and we all deserve that!

The reason I am sharing this with you is that there must be a want for change. If I could go back in time, I would have gotten into therapy myself years ago to obtain the support needed.

This thing Dreamcatcher...it is a very heavy thing. If you are not currently attending counseling, I strongly encourage you to do this for yourself.

I admire your dedication and committment...and I wish you all the best. Sending you support...

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#220874 - 04/27/08 11:22 AM Re: This is not life [Re: sweet-n-sour]
DREAMCATCHER Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/03/07
Posts: 14
Loc: ENGLAND
Hi Sweet-Sour.. Many thanks for you reply and I hear what you are saying, BUT I am not the victim and most sertainly do not need counselling, I note you are in the USA well here in England the NHS is useless, I know as I am an ex psychiatric nurse I left because I do not agree with the way they treat patients, and (my husband) time in a unit tells me it is no different now, He is trying to get a T and has to wait 6 months, put a lid on it til then said one psychi nurse, dont they see thats what he has done all these years and once it is lifted you cant just cram it all back down as he does not choose to have these flash backs etc, they just happen.I know my situation will not get better till his does as if I have to live my life as though he is not here then I might as well go now, we are a team and we do have a life and home together, He does not need to live this 24 7 I know it is there and will not go away and we both know it is not my fault so I should not have to put up with the constant snapping, and ignorance of the here and now, we all have responsibilities and life goes on for all of us he must learn to join in.One of us has to be strong.I am used to living with his alters but I will NOT put up with temper tantrums and stroppy children, I would not take it from a child so I sure as hell will NOT take it from a MAN, I will play with his inner child, comfort him, but I would not take the negative crap from my own children when they were young and wont take it from my husband I DESERVE respect as he does.This may sound hard to you but he knew what I was like when we got married 8yrs ago next month and I have remained constant, I speak my mind, and say what I think not what one wants to hear. Thank you for listening to me ramble on and for your words of encouragement. May WE ALL find PEACE one day soon, if not then sanity. Much LOVE



Edited by walkingsouth (04/27/08 12:30 PM)
_________________________
Hope your dreams are of Self Love and Inner Peace,Your thought is your creation, Create a world of Love and Light for all to live in.
Collective thought is very powerful

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#220879 - 04/27/08 12:31 PM Re: This is not life [Re: DREAMCATCHER]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Dreamcatcher:

I met a man on another forum who was very inspirational in sharing his experiences with me. He had exhausted counseling a cluster of years ago, opting to step away from the process, but maybe he wasn't to the point that he truly was ready to embrace the necessary work to heal. A few years after that point, he joined that other online support forum, gained insight and understanding from those around him...began to read everything he could on the subject of csa...worked and worked some more on his issues. Today he is finally to a place that he is comfortable within himself, the anger lifted and he has a good relationship with his wife. I think the reason I felt inclined to share his story is that it wasn't until he was truly ready to do something about his issues that he changed.

You are absolutely right that you do not have to take the temper tantrums...no one does...it is unacceptable behavior. This whole thing is about asserting ourselves and establishing that we deserve to be treated with caring in the same that we show caring to the survivor in our life.

As I said before, you have my support and you are not alone in what you face. It does help to post here and purge the frustrations in a place that truly gets it. Best of wishes to you. Peace right back to you.

S-n-S



Edited by sweet-n-sour (04/27/08 12:31 PM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#220936 - 04/27/08 06:34 PM Re: This is not life [Re: DREAMCATCHER]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dear Dreamcatcher,
Welcome! You couldn't have found a better place!
One thing you'll find from reading our posts, is that the csa that happened to our men, may as well have happened to us. The effects will spill through the door and into your life and you'll find yourself in the much the same position as he's in. You have the choice to ignore what's happening, or seek help for yourself. You can't make him do anything, it's true. But you certainly don't have to put your entire life on hold waiting for him to make a move. It could take a really LONG time for that to happen.
I know it can drain every once of your patience when he makes snappy comments or throws a fit. That has happened between us too many times to mention. Life does go on, but, you can't stand around waiting for him to catch up. It wouldn't be good for either one of you and you shouldn't have to greet each day waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Please take care of yourself as best you can. You'll feel better and he might just learn a thing or two by watching you.
Always,
Liv


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#221193 - 04/28/08 06:57 PM Re: This is not life [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Dreamcatcher,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Even though I've been in this with my b/f for years, he hasn't gone into total melt down which is what appears to have happened to your husband. Nothing in his internal or external world is functioning the way in should and he doesn't have the resources to give him the strength needed to find his way through. It seems that because his collapse has been so complete, now your resources are drained to the bottom of the well also. So you have two people living in the same house who can barely hold themselves up, never mind each other.

I know you donít want to acknowledge it, but you are a victim. That doesnít make you weak, itís just a fact. True, what happened to your husband didnít happen to you, but you are dealing with the ramifications just the same. The man you married was a ticking time bomb, now that time bomb has exploded and your mind and body have caught the shrapnel. If that doesnít describe a victim I donít know what does. That said, of course you donít want to act or feel like a victim. I get that, but I believe that the only way through it is to acknowledge the fact and then find a way through. Your words are screaming for help; everyone here will do all we can, but nothing replaces real life assistance. You said that the UK has horrid assistance programs, I canít argue that since Iím not there, but Iím not talking about going into a psychiatric facility, Iím talking about counseling. Isnít there someone you could talk to? Someone with some initials after their name who can help you build back a level of sanity. That came out wrong, I donít mean to say your insane, but I canít think of another phrase at the moment.

It doesnít sound that your husband is capable of providing what you want and need right now, the only place he can look to is himself and trying to repair the man he is. So the only option is for you to provide what you need and want to yourself. Both of you have to take care of the people you are before you stand a chance of coming back together again as a couple.

I donít know if anything I said will be helpful or will just make you angry. I hope itís not the latter. Your pain comes through so clearly and I wish I had a magic pill to make it all better but the reality is that getting through this will be as much work for you as it will for him.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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