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#221146 - 04/28/08 03:37 PM Have I done the right thing?
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
The other night I told my husband just how much trouble I was having with his former acting out (if that's what it was-still don't really know) and refusing to talk about it except for many months ago. I had decided to just leave things alone and try to deal with everything by myself, although I do have a therapist. I've been seeing the T about weekly for nearly a year, and we're digging into my childhood and family trying to understand why I have such a strong reaction to my husband's behaviors and why I can't seem to let go of the pain. Anyway I finally couldn't take feeling isolated any more and told him (my husband) so. I've been a little nuts the last year and felt traumatized myself. I told my husband I felt it wasn't fair that I was trying to work alone on what should be a relationship issue and that he should be working on it also. After a long confusing discussion he said we should go to a couples counselor. I've wanted to do this for sometime but he has adamantly refused until now.

Bottom line is have I forced him into something that may not be a good thing for him? Maybe I was selfish and wanting to deal with my pain, but not being careful enough about his. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I'm feeling some serious remorse and feel like maybe I'm doing something harmful to him. I'm so unsure about everything these days especially about what is the right thing to do. I want to take care of him but I need to take care of myself as well.

Any thoughts or advice anyone?
Therese


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#221148 - 04/28/08 03:43 PM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: Therese]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Therese,
I think this is a great idea that you both go to couples counseling. You are married to him and his problems are yours too and vice versa. There are some things he will need to work out himself but there are other things that you both should have been working on together. In my opinion you are right on.


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#221197 - 04/28/08 07:10 PM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: Freedom49]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Therese,

I don't think you did the wrong thing at all. I also don't think there's any great mystery as to why you had a "strong reaction" to what your husband did. Any woman whose been cheated on, whether it's because the man is a dog or was acting out has a "strong reaction" *waving my hands in the air* The love and trust you thought was there was violated and you were seemingly tossed in the gutter. Sound familiar? Been there, done that - it sucked!

I think it's great that you and your husband will seek couples counseling. You have every right in the world to insist on it. You're not in this marriage alone. Whether he seeks counseling for the csa or not, while not irrelevant, doesn't mean that the two of you can't or shouldn't work on your relationship. And by the way, just because you feel you forced him into it doesn't mean it's bad. You may find that even if he's going into it for the wrong reasons, he may stay for all of the right ones.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#221229 - 04/28/08 09:13 PM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Therese,

There's a big difference in stating how your life has been impacted by events beyond you're control and throwing a temper tantrum complete with leveling accusatory statements at him about what "he" is doing or has done. It seems from what you say in your post that you've done the former. You have every right to do that, if indeed that is what you did, just as he has every right to act similarly. It's a necessary and healthy part of relationship.

Also, I know that for me, when my wife approaches me in a manner that takes ownership of how she's feeling rather than leveling accusations, I am able to hear what she's saying and as a result am able to take steps toward her in order to help resolve whatever the conflict may be. In your case it appears that your approach has caused him to consider going to couples therapy. There may be a number of false starts, but if you continue this approach hopefully there will be some positive movement that actually gets you two to the counselor. The ultimate goal of course will be getting him to a T that knows how to treat men who experienced CSA.

Our best to you in your journey.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#221431 - 04/29/08 01:55 PM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Dear all, thanks for your encouragement about ccouples counseling. His acting out was just with gay porn, although he says he had same sex experiences when in college - a time when he was very confused about himself and sex. So I feel bad thinking of this in terms of betrayal but the shock for me was absolutely traumatic. I didn't accuse him at the time, I just asked questions about what was going on, sometimes tearfully, (I didn't know about his abuse then)and he got very angry sometimes, somestimes he would talk with me but only up to a certain limit, so I've spent the past year in a sort of limbo not really understanding what was happening. Anyway, I guess things have calmed down enough for us that we've been able to talk a little, at least, about the need to talk.

It's ironic after all this, I just learned that our insurance doesn't cover couples counsling! Don't know whether we should forget it and try to continue sorting through things on our own. I'm so afraid of making things worse. Sometimes after our talks last year he'd sort of zone out on me a few days, and not talk to me. It was like there were icicles in the air between us. Dont'want to make that happen again and also I don't want to hurt him in any way.

Thanks to all for your responses and good wishes.
Therese


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#221489 - 04/29/08 04:02 PM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: Therese]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Therese,
I can appreciate your disappointment in discovering that your policy doesn't cover couples' counseling. That is too bad. (On what grounds, I wonder? Maybe there's some wiggle room somehow.)
Still, if you can possibly swing it, I recommend paying out of pocket for even a few sessions. Look for a clinic or agency that provides counseling on a sliding scale--that can help quite a bit.
With a good counselor, you can accomplish a lot of healing and see great improvement in your communication. In my experience, even as broke as we were--and when we started with it ourselves, we were probably grossing about $50 K/year, together, and supporting three kids and two separate households--it was really worth while.
A good counselor doesn't just help you work things out while you're in the therapy session; he or she gives you the skills and supports your learning as you figure out how to function better as a couple, outside the office and beyond therapy.
Good luck!
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#221651 - 04/30/08 08:41 AM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: honey girl]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
Therese

Some employer have what is call Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). Those plans cover couples counseling.

Just in thought

Tazrad


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#221783 - 04/30/08 07:55 PM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: tazrad]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Therese,

I'm sorry I misunderstood the extent of his acting out. Regardless of whether he did nothing more than what you say though, it still hurt and I don't see your reactions as inappropriate at all. When you've been hurt, it doesn't really why. The fact of the matter is that the hurt is there. It stinks that your insurance won't cover counseling, but I agree with HG that if you can swing it, it's worth the out of pocket cost.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#221814 - 04/30/08 09:24 PM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Therese,

There are therapists who offer their fees on a sliding scale depending on insurance coverage or the lack thereof as well as the ability to pay. You may wish to ask about those options.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#221912 - 05/01/08 10:29 AM Re: Have I done the right thing? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Dear Everyone,
Thanks for your help. I've learned that my place of employment offers couples counseling in its EAP program (thanks Tazrad). I'll call them and see what I can set up.

You're all so supportive! This means a great deal to me.
Therese


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