Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Bear (42), BoyNoMore (56), Daniel_05 (40), James Landrith (44), john kay (41)
Who's Online
1 registered (thrive-n-survive), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63541 Topics
443949 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#221084 - 04/28/08 12:57 PM write a letter to your abuser
justanother121 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 24
if you wrote a letter to your abuser what would you sayA?


Top
#221088 - 04/28/08 01:09 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: justanother121]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577

Top
#221106 - 04/28/08 01:44 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: JustScott]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Here's what I said to the abuser two years ago. He's deceased, and I went with my sister to the cemetery and scattered the ashes of this letter over his grave:


The End, and a Beginning

When I was a child I called you ďMr.Ē, and when you hurt me you even made me ask for things that you wanted to do, and I had to call you ďMr.Ē All through my childhood and adulthood I still thought of you as ďMr.Ē, even as I began to remember the terrible things you did to me.

Now, however, I will call you nothing. I know I will see your name on your headstone, but it will mean nothing to me. I used to fear you beyond imagining, then later I felt anger I never thought I had in me. But you know what? I donít fear you any longer, and I donít want to waste anger on you either. Both of those feelings take a lot of emotional energy, and you just arenít worth it.

You may wonder why Iím here. If you are so worthless why am I taking this time for you? The truth is that Iím not taking a second for you. This is for me, to begin with. Itís for the man I became despite what you did to me. You failed to turn me into another monster like you. I am not perfect, but no one is. I am a good and decent person, compassionate and caring, a good son, husband, father and friend, and a success in my career as a university professor. There were times I doubted all of that, largely thanks to you, but I am working past that now. Your sadistic cruelty messed me up, thatís true, and more than you will ever know. But I am already a stronger and better man now than I would have been had you never entered my life. I care so much for the pain and hurt of others, and I feel I have a capacity for loving and healing that comes from knowing myself what it really means for a child Ė or anyone Ė to be catastrophically hurt and harmed.

I am here to tell you you lose. You controlled and manipulated me for years, but that was because I was a frightened and confused boy Ė I thought I was alone and I was ashamed. But that little boy is all grown up, and here he is to tell you you are a spineless coward. Had you been alive today I would be at your door to tell you this. Never mind, I will tell you now. The point is I am here; you donít have power over me anymore.

Iím also here for Little Larry, the boy you raped and abused, shamed and humiliated, over and over again for four years. He cried and trembled and begged you donít make me do this, but you always seemed to win. He was too afraid and ashamed, too confused; he trusted adults and you lied to him. He thought he was all alone and everything that was happening was his fault. He even thought he liked it, but again, all because you lied to him.

Maybe you thought all this made you powerful and strong. But it never did. There is no strength in an adult molesting a 10-year-old boy, no pride in vicious and disgusting lies, and no skill proven if a trusting confused child believes the lies. And guess what? Despite everything you did he got through Ė he survived. There were times he wanted to die and even thought of taking his own life. But even though he had no tools or skills beyond those of a child, he used them to fight back as best he could. He was still a good kid and he did his best to cope. Now he lives on as the spirit of wonder, fun, and innocent curiosity in a grown man, and he needs to see that his struggle bore rich fruit. I am bringing him here so he too will see how powerless and worthless you are, how your evil could not suffocate the hope and courage of a terrified child.

I am also here for my family, and especially my Dad. I want you to know that all the sick things you loved to do werenít nearly as terrible as the way you tried to come between me and my Dad. You knew that in order to keep things going you had to wreck my feelings for my Dad, who would have saved me in a second if he had had the slightest idea what was happening. You always had new lies about how I wasnít loved or wanted, and so many nights I wondered is this my last night before I get thrown out or sent to an orphanage like you said. I cried the tears of an unwanted and frightened boy because of you. Maybe you wonder why I am telling you this? Because here again you lost. I can see I never really believed what you were saying Ė I was just confused and frightened, and what you were suggesting was so scary to a little boy. And guess who my best male friend is as an adult? My Dad.

Iím also here for the rest of my family. When you hurt a child itís like you are trying to drive a stake into the heart of his family. But you couldnít do that. I was always loved and wanted and cherished by my family, and nothing you could do to me made them abandon me. Today they are the ones around me helping me to recover from what you did. When I told them I had been abused not a one of them doubted me, not even for a second. They know what you did and they know who you are. Even more than me, they can see how totally you have lost.

I am also here as a spiritual and moral person who knows right from wrong. As a boy I wondered why God had abandoned me, and when I saw pictures of Jesus taking care of children I wondered why not me. But He didnít abandon me. When you were hurting me I used to convince myself that this wasnít really me this was happening to. I would ďgo awayĒ to a corner of the ceiling and curl up there and refuse to look down at the horrors below me. I was safe there. And God was with me. God was also with me when I thought about suicide and how I would do it. He told me donít use the knife and donít step in front of the train. He was with me when I wondered how I would make it through the night or how I could live another day. He was also with me when I was going crazy on alcohol and drugs in my efforts to numb out and forget what you had done to me. He helped me to find my way. I am a good man today because He guided me and gave me hope.

Today He gives me the strength I need to see that doing ďchurch workĒ, like you did, doesnít make it ďthe work of the churchĒ or make you a good person. I can see that your interest in the Scout troop was just as a place to feast: a place to watch boys having fun, get close to them, and eventually close in to hurt them. I have the strength to tell others what happened and to expose you as a pedophile who hurt lots of kids Ė eight at least that I know of, including your own son, and probably lots more. Your reputation as a wealthy and dignified community leader just fades away like smoke in the face of this terrible truth. Your life was a total waste since you dedicated it only to harm. I wonder if you ever felt that.

And I am here too for the many brothers I have around the world who suffered as I did but who are fighting back like I am to reclaim their lives. We can talk now and discover we arenít alone. We stand together and give each other strength. All these guys have helped me so much, and in a way I am bringing them with me here today. Their support will give me strength, and perhaps what I am doing today will give them strength. I hope so. But that is up to us now, not you.

We donít just use this strength for our own healing. We tell the rest of the world about your kind and how you use tricks and lies to hurt innocent children. The world is listening. Predators like you are hunted now like the animals you are. They end up in jail, where criminals treat them like you treated us. They are shamed as you shamed us, but with on big difference: we were innocent, while they deserve it. Your photos are in public registers and people know if you live near them.

Finally, I am here to purify this holy place. This cemetery is sacred ground and a place where families can come to honor their loved ones and remember their lives. You had nothing worthy of honor in your life, and did you know, your son did not come to your funeral? After today I think I will be able to remember this wood, the old stone church we used to go to, and our Scout cabin on the hill with all the joy and warmth that a man should be able to feel about his youth. You simply wonít be able to rob me of this anymore.

I know my work for recovery is not done, but now I look forward to it. I will get back the life I was meant to have and I can help others do the same. Fear of you will no longer hold me back, and I can do what I need to do knowing that I am a good man. I was never the dirty guilty boy you tried to convince me I was.

I donít know if I will be able to read through all the things I want to say to you here. But if I cannot do that it doesnít mean you win. It just means what you did is below disgust and shame. If I tremble it means that a good man doesnít like to be in the presence of evil; it means that a clean person feels out of place where there is filth.

What will I do now? I want you to know I didnít come here for what I fear and I donít live like that now. I am strong for myself and others. They are strong for me. Our bond is a bond of love, the way it should be between men of all ages. We care. You never did.

Why this paper? I bet you are curious. This paper is my testament of rejection to everything you did to me and tried to make me believe about myself. I reject what you did to my best friend; my tears for him are forever, but not for you. I reject what all of your kind does; I reject the terror and fear and shame Ė my work is to cleanse the tears and help my brothers focus on the whole and decent truth that has always been ours.

I am finished now. This is the end of what I have to say. Maybe you will have noticed that I didnít need the rhetoric of rage to defeat you. I havenít once cursed you or inveighed against you. I didnít need to do that. I can maintain my boundaries and serenity and still expose you Ė easily Ė for the human poison you are.

Now I will do the easiest thing of all. These pages contain my text and the names of all the brothers who are with me as I stand against you. They are guys who donít know me except as a survivor from what you did to me. Most I will never see in person. We have different ways of looking at life and we see recovery from childhood sexual abuse in diffrerent ways. But we are brothers against you and everything you stand for. I am searching for the flame that will burn this text over your grave.

This is important to me. It means I am genuinely finished with you. As the flames consume this paper they will symbolize the bond between me, my family, and all my brothers against you. They will set me free and show my brothers that they too can be free. All that will be left afterwards will be burnt ashes Ė something that may serve to purify the ground polluted by your grave here.

I may come back here in the future, but not to this spot. I will appreciate the church, the Scout cabin and the wood, and I will feel peace in this hallowed place. But you will be nothing to me, just as your life was nothing. You will have no power to hurt me or my friends. We will exult in our childhood and how we have prevailed, and we will give no thought to how you wasted your life in evil and cruelty. We have made our choice, just as you made yours.


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#221124 - 04/28/08 02:45 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: roadrunner]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Letter to my Rapist

I canít believe you touched me, I canít believe you would find anything sexual about a skinny 90lb innocent happy little boy. I was so trusting, I was so naÔve and there is no way in hell you didnít know it. I always had a smile on my face and I was so eager to please everyone that I met. All I ever wanted was to make people laugh and to see them smile at me. You asked me to come and hang out with you and I felt so special, so wonderful that you wanted to be my friend. I just thought you wanted me to come over and make you laugh and I wanted nothing else in the world than to come and do that. I was so excited all day, I couldnít wait to get there. When I got there I had one of the best times of my life, I laughed and laughed all night with you and your friend.

And then I woke up in fucking hell, I was so fucking scared, I had no idea what was happening. I looked at you with pleading in my eyes for you to stop, the sensation was so intense I thought I was going to fucking explode. You knew how scared I was or you would not have told me that ďit was okay to enjoy itĒ, why the fuck did you not get off me and tell me how sorry you were. You didnít you fucking bitch, you got off me and told me what a piece of shit I was, I felt like such a piece of garbage, I was humiliated and you just ground it in with your words. I was so confused, I didnít know what I did to you that made you hate me, I didnít know why you wanted to hurt me so. I fucking hate you.

Who the fuck did you think you were, How fucking dare you lay your filthy fucking hands on me, you fucking filthy creature, you stole my whole fucking life and I fucking hate you.

Why did you do this to me?

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#221130 - 04/28/08 03:00 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: mogigo]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
Dear Self,

I can't believe how much you've hurt me. You've ruined my life. I hate you. You would never leave me alone. You won't leave me alone. I don't want you. You've never cared anything about me. I hate you.

Sincerely,
Myself


Top
#221131 - 04/28/08 03:07 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: Marinan]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Dear Perpetrator,

I am not sure I have anything to say to you.

Your son.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#221133 - 04/28/08 03:10 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: hogan_dawg]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
*** trigger warnings ****

This was from a very angry time - at the very beginning of my recovery - but I include it here, because it was written from my soul, and that was where my soul was at that time...

I have sat down to write this letter so many times, but each time I go cold in my guts like there is a block of ice there. I feel numb in my fingers and my face feels like all the blood has drained from it Ė but to where? Iím empty inside Ė empty and dry Ė brittle Ė almost like I could be taken away by a tiny breeze Ė I am such a passionate person, full of love and zest and joy and when I think of what you d id to me, I am nothing Ė void of all energy Ė Like I have been depleted of everything good. But thatís when I try to think about you. When Iím just by myself, alone and in bed or driving in my car, the pain comes. I suddenly feel like a wet blanket is thrown over me Ė I canít move to get away from the onslaught of emotion I know is coming. Then it hits, like Iím standing in the ocean waist deep Ė a wave hits me and knocks me down, but before I can get up and right myself, another comes out of nowhere Ė Again and again and again the feelings come, faster than I can process them. I get so full I feel like I might explode with the pressure inside. Why did you do that to me? Why did you think it was ok to fuck a little boy? I think you thought because you let me fuck you, too, it was ok, like were partners Ė but you treated me like meat Ė an 8 or 9 or 10 or 12 year old should not have a lover, but I didnít have a lover, I had a user and a fucker. I was just something to put your cock in and cum into while you thought of all those beautiful girls you wouldnít ever have. If I moved or made a sound, either in pain or pleasure, you silenced me. You fucking silenced me for over 30 years, you fucking bastard. You took my innocence away and made me feel evil, bad, disgusting and ugly. You made me crave sexual pleasure but to feel guilty about it at the same time. You taught me to be ashamed of my body so that when I look in the mirror I see a misshapen, ugly man that no one would want to be friends with, let alone love. You made me aware of sex, but completely confused about sexuality and intimacy - how to get pleasure from a partner without guilt - to feel a deep and horrible regret, like I had hurt something or someone every time I came. With friends Iím always waiting to be hurt, never trusting, and constantly misreading every innocent action as an assault or an insult. I became so preoccupied with sex as a little boy that I needed to orgasm everyday, even if I didnít have the desire, like a chore, like a compulsion that had to be fulfilled Ė and each time I felt horrible and guilty and dirty.

You fucked my body, but that ended when I was 13 or 14. The mental fucking never stopped. It goes on constantly in my brain. The voice that tells me Iím bad and ugly and horrible and cheap and despicable. Did you ever know? Did you care? Were you that selfish that you never thought what it might do?

You were always in control of when and where it happened and the one time I did initiate, the one fucking time in all those countless times, you treated me like I was a filthy pervert.

Did you mean to do all this? No, I think you thought you were doing me a favor; that we were contemporaries, that we were ďexperimentingĒ. Bullshit Ė it was fucked up and you know it. You made me carry a secret for over 30 years Ė constantly on guard Ė pretending everything was ok, when inside I was dying.

Why were we friends? I was always friends with older kids because my mind was sharp and I was mature for my age. My intellect was mature, but I was a baby. Iím a fucking genius, but the emotional scars have left me a scattered and unfocused idiot. I have a fucking 154 I.Q. and all I fucking think about is how stupid I am, how Iím bad and wrong and unworthy and guilty. I didnít ask you to fuck me, but you denied me any intimacy or even validation of what was happening. You just wiped off your cock, pulled up your pants and went on about whatever we had been doing before the act, leaving me laying on the floor, my ass in the air with cum dripping from my anus Ė confused and scared and hurt. If you did acknowledge me at all afterwards, it was to say ďget up, faggotĒ.

You acted like my friend when it was just us, but then you pushed me away if there was someone else around like Vance or one of the other delinquents you followed around like a fucking puppy. You treated my like shit, made fun of me and degraded me Ė you all laughed at me for being young and innocent and naÔve. Well, I wasnít so innocent or naÔve, was I, you asshole?!

You mother fucker! Why? Why? Why? Why???? Was it fun? Was it gratifying? Did you fuck other little boys? Are you still fucking little boys? Did you fuck your own son, you mother fucking piece of shit?!! Iíve spent my life, my whole fucking life feeling bad about what YOU did. I didnít do it! I didnít cause it! Itís not my fault! You ruined my life! You should fucking die for what you did to me. I want to fucking kick your goddamn head in. I want to hit you over and over in the face with a crow bar so that I am splattered by your fucking blood instead of your foul cum. I fucking hate you!!!!!!!

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#222320 - 05/03/08 05:52 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: justanother121]
RobertRent Offline


Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 11
Richard,
You asked me to be your friend. I was and I proved it to you by doing everything you ask me. I even kept the secrets you told me to. I was 11 yearold shy skinny lonely boy. Nobody care for me. I was in a world I hated.
You appeared in my life. You took me in your arms. Held me and cuddle me. Your hands played with my hair while I sat on your lap. You gave me affection I would had wanted from my father.
I recall the nite you first molested me. I was to young and nevy to know better. You lifted my body with your strong hands and carried me to your bedroom. You smiled as you unbutton my shirt. Placing your hands on my chest and rubbing it. I did not understand what was happening and became scared. You told me it would be allright and you were my friend. You took the liberty of our friendship and continue to remove all of my clothing.
I felt humilated and scared laying there naked while you touched and groped my body. It felt painful when you touched and squezzed my penis. I cried but you still to continue molest me.
You stood up and started to remove your clothing. Your body was large and hairy like my Dad. Your penis looked like a snake a scared me more. You made me touch it. You compared your penis to my Dad. When you layed on top of me I felt the weight of your body suffocating me. You felt sweaty and stinked. You did things to me that a 11 year old boy would not know of.
When you were done with me you drove me and told me never to tell anyone of what happen. I never did.
My friends found out about us. I learn there were othe boys you used. I felt betrayed and humilated. I never wanted to see you again.
I wonder now how many other boys you have used and abused. I will stop you someday.


Top
#231505 - 06/17/08 02:14 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: justanother121]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6865
Loc: USA

What can I say to you?

Before you got to me I was an unhappy kid. After you got through with me I was a broken kid.

Before you got to me I maybe had a chance in life. After you finished with me my hopes were dashed.

Before you got to me I still could trust. After you took care of me I couldn't trust anybody.

I can't really tell you how much pain you caused me, because you wanted to inflict pain, and if you knew how well you succeeded it would work against me. You might enjoy it too much.

You threatened to kill me if I ever told. Well, now I have told. Except that I haven't given your name out because I need to have at least another witness, that is if one survived. I am just one of the many you "took care of". The others are _ _ _ _ .

I think sometimes that you might still come to get me. Sometimes I have bad dreams about it still, but you don't really know who I am either. Ha Ha!

Pufferfish



Edited by pufferfish (06/17/08 02:16 PM)

Top
#231511 - 06/17/08 03:33 PM Re: write a letter to your abuser [Re: pufferfish]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
As some of you know, I am planning on confronting my brother in August. My T has had me write letters to him and read them at therapy. This is my final letter that I want to read to my brother in person, face to face. It helps me to talk about my CSA and put it into words. I have decided to share my words with my friends here at Male Survivor.


Brother,

On Feb 1st. 2005 my life changed and will never be the same again. This is the day that you had your heart surgery. You will never understand that for over 40 years I lived kowing that you sexually abused me when I was just a little boy. I repressed these memories for all those years. I didn't tell anyone about this, it was my secret. I hid all the pain, humiliation, guilt, emotions and feelilngs as though nothing happened. But on the day of your surgery I woke up from a nightmare and said out loud to myself something I will never forget. "That SOB is gonna die before I get a chance to tell him what he did to me" All the repressed memories of you SA to me returned with a vengence and I am reliving the SA over and over everyday. The nightmares, the pain, humiliation guilt emotions and perverse thoughts have taken over my life today and everyday.

Brother, I want you to know you Sexual Abused your little brother. You took away from me my childhood innocence. You used me and my body for your sexual gratification b/4 I was even into puberty. You forced me to perform oral sex on you in my b/room, in the garage attic, in the bathroom, in the treehouse, in the swimming pool and on the school bus. You penetrated me analy over and over again. I remember the blood on my sheets, the blood in the toilet and how I hurt. I cried myself to sleep night after night. I even lied to mom and dad because of your threats on my life. I am sure there were other places your abused me, but my repressed memory has not availed them to me. I remember these sexual encounters and how you abused my body as though they happened yesterday. Why, because I wake up screaming almost nightly. Will the nightmares ever end? I don't know, but I do know it is not fair to me. You fucked your little brother and you fucked up his life. He/I will never be the same. I hope you are proud of how you hurt me.

Your sex acts on me have effected my life today in so many ways. I do not know what a normal sexual fulfilling life is. My mind is full of perverse sexual thoughts. I have acted out and have had encounters with men. I have and still at times have no idea what my sexuality is. My so called sex life is not fulfilling at all. I look at sex most times as dirty and perverse. You did this to me brother.

My present individual and group therapy is helping me deal and cope with the sexual abuse that haunts me daily. I am on med's to help me deal with stress, depression and anxiety. My self esteem is shattered, I hate myself and how I feel and think. I have had suicidal thoughts to the point of planning my demise. My nightmares occur almost nightly with me waking up screaming and in a sweat. I have to sleep with the windows closed because I have even woken up the neighbors. I hate all the triggers in my daily life that cause me to cry and at times get angry and scream to myself. You did this to me brother.

How I feel about what you did to me is that of anger and sadness. I am sad because I thought an older brother should love and protect his younger brother. I trusted you, I looked up to you, I loved you! The attention you showed me I thought was love. Was this sexual abuse on me your way of acting out your perverse thoughts? Were you sexual abused? Have you ever over the years felt sorry or guilt for what you did to me? Who else have you sexually abused?

My anger is that you still have control over my life. You have control over my friends and family because of the way I relate with them. I am angry because of the countless hours, countless miles driven to and from therapy and the money I am spending because of what you did to me. I am angry because I want a "normal life" but I don't even know what that is. You did this to me brother.

Now, I want to say that with professional help, I am working on taking control of my life back. I will survive this with proper help, lots of prayer and forgiveness. God has forgiven me for my perverse thoughts and acting out. I pray that all the people I have hurt will also be able to forgive me. Can I ever forgive what you did to me? I just don't know. I know I am suppose to forgive you, but I just can't now. I feel sorry for you and how you hurt me. I am still angry at you. You did this to me brother.

I do know that I will not go back to the secrets of the past. If I fail at this journey I have no desire to be a part of this life.

I want to close this letter my saying, "I HAVE WRITTEN THIS LETTER FOR MY BENEFIT ONLY. THIS LETTER IS PART OF MY HEALING JOURNEY"

Brother, I do HATE what you did to me, I DETEST every bit of it. But, you still are my brother and I love you for that. How I can have feelings for you in a loving way, I don't know, I don't get it. That is the part of me that cries and cries and cries over and over and over. I am so sad and lonely. Will I ever forgive myself? I just don't know. Will I ever come to Peace with you and what you did to me? I just don't know. I cry for help everyday. I am determinded to heal. With the help of my true friends and family, I hope and pray I succeed.

Your little brother, Ken
_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.