to slightly misquote Moulin rouge:

"the greatest thing, I've never learned, is just to love and be loved in return"

there's lots of other stuff as well of course, most of which has already been said by one or other of the chaps hear, ---- even the ability to think that others might value me, or that there is anything in me others might value. My self isteme, any chance of a close, loving intimate relationship.

My entire adolescence and all the adult related stuff.

Not to mention all the time and energy i spend on being afraid, exhausted, ---- even on my recovery which I would deffinately rather spend on other things in my life.

The abuse cost me the sense of who I really am. Who really is Ken? What was Ken really suppose to be? What was his "normal Life" going to be like. Why was I able to keep this secret for 41 years of my life only to have it resurface now?

Most everything stated above is and was a part of my life up to this time. My lack of self esteem is the hardest issue for me at the moment.

But, like most of us Male Survivors, I feel the most important part of recovery is admitting CSA did happen, I was not at fault for what happened and I am determined to take control of my life back. I am a member here because I want help, I want to get better and I want to to find out for myself and with the help of others just who the real Ken is. He deserves far more than he has received in this life. I WANT MY LIFE BACK, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Ken

Too many things to list.

What has it cost you?

$130 a week for therapy.

It nearly cost me my life - unable to handle to the thoughts and nigthmares... I spent a week in a Mental Health Hospital under 24 hour suicide watch. (I know now that that was the wrong way to handle the situation and I very much regret my actions).

As a knock on effect, it is going to cost me my job, marriage, family and everything that I ever beleived in. I started getting flashbacks and nightmares 22 years after the events... and now I wonder what those years were built on.

But as someone has also said - my sanity.

Silent Witness

My feelings reflect many of the sentiments these guys have described herein. Not all the riches, gold, or material goods in this world could compensate or make recompense for what has happened to me.

My emotional control has been difficult. For fifteen years after it happened I had the ability to shut off my feelings and hide within myself, safe. After I came out and told family and a few friends, it lifted a huge burden but the rush of feeling felt very foreign and hard to deal with. Twenty years later I still have difficulty adjusting but at least I feel again, its a start. I used to think that my marriage failed because of it, but I'm beginning to realize it was doomed from the start, not that I helped it in any way. My current relationship is still difficult as I find myself automatically in 'walls up' mode, but she's catching on and knows when I need to be pushed. I think my own mental growth has suffered as well, as it sometimes feels like I was in off mode for fifteen years and picked up right at the age of thirteen after I came forward. Self confidence is up and down, currently down. My social skills are almost non-existant. Like most I could on and on, but the post is getting long so I'll cut it short.

I cost me the future I would have had, unriddled and untainted by sexual abuse.

I won't repeat all of the above. They all apply here as well. What I will add is that the cost extends well beyond me to:

- my two children
- my wife
- my sister
- sister's kids
- my employer
- my insurance companies
... to name a few

They have all been negatively affected by this. The poor insurance companies are six-figures into this.

My kids have a f'd-up dad.

My wife is traumatized by proxy and directly.

My employer pays for much and gets nothing in return these days.


it just goes on and on and on.

The abuse has cost me absolutely everything.

I was changed into a facade of who I might have been.

But who knows, maybe I would have been an arrogant, proud,

boistrous pig if I hadn't been abused. If so then I havn't

lost anything