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#220745 - 04/26/08 06:52 PM My abuser is adopting - trigger potential
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
My abuser, my brother, is adopting a little boy. I knew this was in the works, it's the reason I confronted him about the abuse but it still have me furious, scared and the little boy within me is screaming in agony.

Here's my quandary and I'm hoping for thoughts from all of you:
As a result of my confronting him, he underwent psychiatric testing to confirm that he was not at risk for reoffending. I know he did this and I got a letter from the doctor saying he's not at risk. What I don't know is if he told the state DSS about his past, the abuse or the testing he underwent.

There's a big part of me that feels my little boy, and the little boy who is being brought into my brother's life, would be safer if DSS knew.

Here's the other thought - I also know that realistically, the fear and anger and perhaps greater truth is my own re-traumatization. My reaching out to the state is just one more way for to look for reaffirmation of my hurt and abuse at the hands of this man.

I know through my work that it's easier to think about action - calling DSS - than it is to attend to my own pain and healing.

Wow. This is a lot.

At the Sequoia WOR I learned (thanks Andy) that we can stand up to our inner dragons, the dragons that try to hurt us and the dragons that adopt little boys for better or for worse. All I can say now is that those dragons are mighty, mighty scary.

Thanks all for your feedback and for listening.

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#220748 - 04/26/08 07:08 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jackson you have my total support for what ever you believe you should do. I agree that a good manipulative perp can snow most professionals by telling them what they want to hear. It is not unusual for a perp to want a boy of his own that he can control behind closed doors. I feel for his kid as he will have no safe place at all if your brother is indeed snowing eveyone and just looking for a boy that he does not have to worry about going home and telling his parents.

This makes my insides cold as you and I know what that boy could end up going through for the rest of his life. If you cannot stop it and your brother has indeed not received any help for his abusive tendencies then this is indeed what I would term a rescue situation.

It will be terribly risky and painful for you to interfere here as you may not be believed again and you may take it as a personal rejection of your own abuse story.

Question: is this boy in real danger with your brother? That one may be hard to answer.

In any event I am here for you.


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#220750 - 04/26/08 07:15 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Freedom49]
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
NWcats:

i strongly recommend you gain a professional's advice about this matter before you take any action. this issue is highly emotionally charged for you and i fear that any hasty act on your part could turn into a mistake. i would certainly run this whole situation past my psychologist more than once if i was in your shoes.

i commend you for your concern about the boy to be adopted by your brother. good luck and God bless.



bec


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#220751 - 04/26/08 07:22 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: bec]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Wow, thats crazy excuse my language. i personally think that perhaps a lil talk, with this boy about the dangers of keeping secrets and letting people touch him, would be a good thing. an even better thing though would be to get professional help on this one. i can't believe that the goverment would let anyone who's ever offended to adopt a child, even if the person is not at risk for reoffending.

_________________________
.

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#220755 - 04/26/08 07:32 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: bec]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Let me respond with what I would do.

I'd approach DSS under my own name and fully identified. That is, no annonamous contact or letters. I would try to book an appointment with their General Counsel's office. You may have to send a letter in writing or email to get the appointment, but once they see the nature of your concern, they will likely scurry to contact you. The letter ought to have cc to The Governors Counsel of your state and at least two media/news stations of the state (with named producers). If they (the Gen Counsel) do not respond in a timely manner (2 business days), you may want to go visit the DSS main office in person to see who will speak to you live. They are civil servants...they HAVE to see you upon your request. I would invite both or all news stations along to shoot video of you attempting to seek pre-emptive justice. Go to the General Counsels office, ask anyone you see "who should I see about this?"

For some very directed guidance, you can ask to speak to a detective in your town. Tell him the situation and ask his opinion on who at DSS ought to be targeted for contact. Cops deal with DSS a lot. A detective may know his way around that administration.

This may sound like you would be a real aggressive prick doing this, but look at two factors:

1) You KNOW he's an abuser. (dont let him fool you or the world with simple doctors notes saying he's safe...Bull Shnick!!)
2) You fear this boy may be at real risk of being hurt.

Clearly, I tend to go with the nuclear option right away, but that's only when someone is at risk.

I realize this puts you at risk of personal stress and anxiety, but it may end with a great triumph in the name of Little You.

_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#220756 - 04/26/08 07:44 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Still]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello NW,

It's an uncomfortable situation you have been placed in, to be sure. Ultimately, the decision is yours as to what you feel you should or should not do in this. If it were me, based upon what I know from your post, here's what I would do:

1. I would ask him if he has told the DSS of his past abusive actions. If he says yes, tell him you want proof. If he cannot or will not provide it, tell him you want the name of his caseworker at DSS whom he told so you can verify his story.

2. If he has not told DSS, tell him that unless he does so, then you will. Again, tell him you want proof. If he does not provide that proof, then follow through with contacting them and telling them of your concerns.

The above gives him the opportunity to do the right thing and doesn't make you look like you are simply bent on vengeance. You are looking out for the welfare of a little boy, which is highly commendable. If he does follow through with informing DSS of his past abusive behavior, and they still allow the adoption to go forwad (yes, government is full of stupid fucktards), then I would escalate the issue up the hierarchy of DSS as far as possible in order to keep this adoption from occuring.

Anyway, that's how I would handle it. JMO. I hope things work out well for you in this.

_________________________
Eddie

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#220758 - 04/26/08 07:46 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Still]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Yea. I agree with rob. It could save not only a lot of pain and suffering in the future but the most precious thing ever created out of god's limitless power. THE GIFT OF LIFE, and the most precious of them all. THE LIFE OF A CHILD.

_________________________
.

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#220763 - 04/26/08 08:52 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: JustJeff]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jackson,

Well, for me the bottom line here is the welfare and safety of a little boy. It may well be that your brother is not a risk for reoffending, but he remains accountable for his past and the DSS needs to know about this past, assuming they do not know already.

I agree with Eddie here. I would confront your brother and tell him you want proof that he is not a risk. If he goes all righteous and indignant on you, walk away and call DSS. Or if he can't provide proof that DSS knows, contact them.

I agree with Rob on such matters. Any time I have gotten involved in any kind of case involving an abused child, I always give full identification of myself and provide contact details. You can't be sued for alerting authorities about possibilities that a child is in danger, and if you are more than an anonymous voice on a telephone you will be taken far more seriously.

But yes, I would also take this up with your T. It would be a good idea to discuss all this with him/her and go into this well-prepared.

But for me, I just don't see the option of doing nothing as being a viable one. We are, after all, talking about the safety of a child. Your brother's needs and interests count for nothing compared to that, and if he takes offense at your concerns, then I would wonder if he is as "cured" as he would like others to think.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#220768 - 04/26/08 09:16 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: roadrunner]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Jackson,

As strong as you are and as concerned for this little guy that you are, I know you will do the right thing. For you and for that child. It is a very scary situation to be in. With proper help and guidance you will be ok. I just know it!

Please keep us informed as to the outcome. We are all behind you.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#220777 - 04/26/08 09:50 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: KENKEN]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
The most reliable predictor of a person's actions in the future is the person's actions in the past. That's just the way things are. Some people don't think that's fair, but those people tend to be the ones whose pasts predict less-than-rosy futures.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#220806 - 04/26/08 11:41 PM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: melliferal]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
NW Cats,

My wife and I just adopted a 11 month old baby boy from Kazakhstan (We brought him home just 5 days ago). In our "home study", there was a separate form that had to be filled out stating whether or not we have ever sexually abused children. I don't know how domestic adoptions work, but I do know that you would NEVER EVER be allowed to adopt internationally if you replied in the affirmative. My guess is that domestic adoptions would be even more strict about that policy due to the litigious society that we live in.

My guess is that your brother has been less than honest if this adoption is finalized.

Good Luck

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#220847 - 04/27/08 02:06 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Brian]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Guys,
thanks for all this. a lot to think about.
you guys are a great support.
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#220992 - 04/28/08 12:24 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
SUNDAY UPDATE:
I think I've pretty well figured out that I need to call DSS, for my own sanity and the safety of this child. I'm fairly well convinced they likely already know - go figure why they let him parent - but I'll feel better knowing for myself directly from them that they do know.

Tonight my partner took me to get a big chocolate ice cream cone with chocolate "jimmies" or sprinkles for those who didn't grow up in New England. I took care of my little boy and he's doing a bit better. He's scared, pissed off and frightened of what might happen to a new little boy being with my brother.

So job #1 is taking care of my inner boy. We'll have to pray that the state knows what its doing.

Thanks again for feedback and support. I probably won't make the call until later in the week, after T, etc.

Peace,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#221018 - 04/28/08 07:02 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Little Boy as in your son or your inner child? how old?

_________________________
.

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#221029 - 04/28/08 08:30 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
Hourglass52 Offline


Registered: 04/16/08
Posts: 59
Loc: New York
NO EXCUSES HERE. This is bullshit, and you need to run to DSS with this information NOW. Why in the hell do we try to protect our offenders/perps. Keeping our mouths shut we could be aiding and abetting this offense. WTF have we lost our minds. When he offended in the past he made his bed, and life can be a bitch. [BREATHE I have to BREATHE, catching my breath and shaking,] I can't believe we wouldn't share this past with DSS. #$@*&^%, %^@!$%#&*. Secrecy is how this crap keeps going on. BULLSHIT,BULLSHIT, BUUULLLSSSHHHIIITTT!!!!!!



Edited by Hourglass52 (04/28/08 08:43 AM)
_________________________
" This above all: To thine own self be true" (William Shakespeare).

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#221040 - 04/28/08 09:27 AM Re: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: JustJeff]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Originally Posted By: JustJeff
Little Boy as in your son or your inner child? how old?


My inner child who was abused. Me. He abused me from about 9-15. That's the part of myself that needs attending too.

Yes, I'll tell DSS. I just need to feel safe to do so. Thanks for sharing your anger.It's helpful to remind me that that's part of what i'm feeling inside.

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#221265 - 04/29/08 12:03 AM UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
hi guys-
i called DSS today and asked if my brother's sexual abuse history and his steps to be cleared by a psychiatrist were taken into account prior as part of the adoption evaluation process.
they looked into it and it appears IT WAS NOT.
this blew me away.
so now it appears the adoption will be on hold. I've been asked to fax some documentation i have and they'll apparently confront my brother on the whole matter tuesday.
i decided to tell my family what i'd done and everyone is flipping out. my dad yelled at me over the phone and told me i was being "vindictive" and it was my "problem" and I should stop making my problem other people's "problems". they believe the state knows about my brother's past and has copies of the evaluation he undertook. (i don't believe it)
I told him I wasn't going to have him shame me, that it was my brother's problem and i hung up on him (i don't think I've ever done that before!!).
I'm scared I've finally lost my family altogether. my inner little boy and my grown up self wishes my dad would have said, "i know your upset and hurting and i'm glad you did the right thing"
I'm glad i spoke up for the truth, for the little boy who was going to be adopted, for my own inner little boy and for my adult self.
i hope i can look back at this soon with more distance and feel that pride and strength. right now i just feel like shit.
send me hugs, send me support and let me know i did the right thing.

peace,
jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#221268 - 04/29/08 12:09 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
(((((Jackson)))))
Of course you did the right thing. Anyone back there who would go for this is absolutely out of their freaking mind. You did what you had to do to keep a kid safe. Naturally, you will feel like crap after a phone call like that. I am glad you said what you did. You kept your cool and didn't take any crap from your dad. Follow though and if you need to call me you can.

Thank you for being so brave. I know this was terribly hard for you.

Lots of love


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#221269 - 04/29/08 12:11 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
((((((JACKSON)))))))

You DID do the right thing. You DID. Without question, you did. Your father is being a jerk because he sounds like he's afraid of what appearances are. He'll just have to get over it. Sending you lots of support, man. I'm real proud of you.

_________________________
Eddie

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#221272 - 04/29/08 12:18 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
Calanthe Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 109
Loc: California
Jackson,

You deserve an award man, way to go. Way to stand up for yourself and protect someone else. What more can we hope to do as surviors.

As for your father it sounds like he has a real problem and he wants to make it you. Give me a break! That he sees this as vendictive and not protective of this unknown little boy. How can he support a son who sexually abused another son. What part of praenting 101 did he miss? I know, I know he missed the whole course had to take on review in night school and still did not pass. What an Ass.

You did the right thing. Your brother did not let the state know. The state needs to know before they put a child in his home. Congratulations on your courage.

Scott


_________________________
You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)

And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)

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#221273 - 04/29/08 12:25 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Jackson,

Your father's reaction is disturbing; Disturbing in that he is causing you pain and disturbing in that he does not want to see the truth about your brother. He is or wishes to remain in heafty denial. You are pulling him out of that dark and comforting denial, into the light of truth.

He may be thinking "how dare you make me face this ugly shit!" "How dare you disturb our made-up phoney tranquility!" He wants you and everyone else to forget about your brother's past and get-on with the next chapter of life in denial oblivion.

Well fuck him! Fuck them! Fuck anyone who would risk a sacrifice of that boy. Jackson, I know this was a painful step. I know it hurts like hell. You feel like you just started an out-of-control fire and there's no stopping it now. I'm reading some pretty clear second thoughts here. You have no need to second-guess yourself here. There's no time or place on this planet that YOU could be wrong in attempting to save a child from CSA.

Dude...you are an absolute, fkg HERO!!!! There's no Arnold Schwartzenneger character or movie that depicts this much heroism. You just made a HUGE sacrifice for this boy you likely don't even know personally...but you DO know him. You know him when you look in the mirror...you know him when you look at our avatars.

You say that "you are scared you've finally lost your family all together." My immediate reaction was that any family who would ignore a potential and likely danger to a child is not worth getting upset about. I know you would like a happy, functional relationship with your father, but from his reaction to what you are doing here...I gotta think he's just not worth it.

Did you do the right thing Hero? Hell yes! PLEASE dont worry about THAT.

BTW: My inner child says "jackson is totally awsome...thank you."

((((Jackson))))


Originally Posted By: Calanthe
Jackson,

You deserve an award man, way to go. Way to stand up for yourself and protect someone else. What more can we hope to do as surviors.






_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#221294 - 04/29/08 01:24 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: Calanthe]
HurtinginMD Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/08
Posts: 74
Loc: Cranston, RI
U absolutely did the right thing...i would have done the same if i were in ur shoes

_________________________
I want always to be a boy and have fun... (Peter Pan)

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#221321 - 04/29/08 05:41 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potential [Re: NWcats]
Hourglass52 Offline


Registered: 04/16/08
Posts: 59
Loc: New York
OUTSTANDING! You are a super hero in my eyes. You can look in the mirror, and stand tall. You have done one of the most noble things a human being can do. You made a major sacrifice for a person you don't even know. You can be proud of yourself because you are truly a super hero. Be proud be vary proud.
Give your family some time. Some times when we have to face secrets we act out in confused ways.
I am truly impressed with your strength. Use that same strength to deal with the family turmoil now. You are a super hero, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.



Edited by Hourglass52 (04/29/08 05:46 AM)
_________________________
" This above all: To thine own self be true" (William Shakespeare).

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#221825 - 04/30/08 10:09 PM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potent [Re: Hourglass52]
Chester Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 48
Loc: Long Island, NY
Does no one else realize how cool you are that you made absolutely sure you had Ice cream before you blew up your family? And you thought hanging up on your Dad took balls?

You rock, Jackson.

_________________________
rock: left pocket

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#221842 - 05/01/08 12:16 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potent [Re: Chester]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Jackson!

I'm proud of you!! There is no doubt you did the right thing!! I'm so proud of you!! \:\)

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#221848 - 05/01/08 02:03 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potent [Re: Brian]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Jackson-
There's no denying the seductiveness of "...maybe if i just ignore it, it'll go away"- and every justification that follows this line of thought. You did the hard thing, the RIGHT thing; it's only human nature to want to ignore uncomfortable inner promptings (at least that's been my experience, both personally and subjectively)- there's always a million "but"s, ready to throw themselves onto initial feelings of wrongness. Yet- you didn't ignore your instincts, and presented the situation to a group of relative strangers for perusal- and though this site may not be totally unbiased, any thoughts offered, are from people you know have at least an inkling of what you're going through.
All i see are people supporting your concern and honesty. There's nothing wrong about sharing your worries; it's not as though you're making up what happened to you- any more than i'm lying about what happened to me. STAY STRONG- IT'S WORTH IT!

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#221898 - 05/01/08 09:29 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potent [Re: dgoods]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
You rock Jackson! Totally!

You did the right thing, and maybe you'll want to throw things at me or kick my ass, but based on your dads reaction, I think he's one hell of a bastard! WTF! Vindictive? Fuck vindictive, you're trying to protect a child, I think there's nothing greater than protecting children! If someone wants to think that protecting children is "vindictive" then I hope one day people will see me as the most "vindictive" bastard on the face of the earth.

Little me wants to give you a hug!

Go You!


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#221913 - 05/01/08 10:31 AM Re: UPDATE: My abuser is adopting - trigger potent [Re: Calanthe]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Jackson - look man, you had to do what was right inside your gut and given all you know about CSA and your own case, I hope I would have done the same thing.

Offenders do re-offend and predicting it with certainty is difficult if not impossible. You behaved with due prudence and consideration for all involved.

The negative feedback from the family was predictable. Yes your Father's reaction was, another writer said, indeed 'disturbing'.



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/01/08 10:32 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#222235 - 05/02/08 11:58 PM Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: hogan_dawg]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi guys,
First, thanks so much for all of your supporting words. It's meant a lot to me these last few day to have the positive reinforcement and the community.
Here's the update: DSS has reopened the case. The social worker is re-interviewing people and I had a brief conversation with her Thursday. I'm supposed to interviewed by her and her bosses sometime next week.
She told me my brother said what happened between us was "normal"!!!!!!!
I've heard nothing from my abusing brother or my parents.
Today was very hard for me. I think the pain of all this began to surface. I had a good cry this morning. Driving to work the sun was illuminating the mountains here in Seattle and it was quite beautiful. That brought some tears.
This afternoon driving home from work I broke down. The voices in my head wouldn't quiet down and I felt very frightened and desperate.
I got home and sobbed while my partner held me. I kept saying that I want it to stop.
It's been a few hours now and I feel a bit better.
This much is clear: My little boy is desperate for his parents love and care and he ain't getting it. I know it's up to me to care for him now and I know I can do that.
That doesn't make it easier to calm that voice inside of me.
This whole week has been tremendously re-traumatizing and I'm not surprised that my insides came spilling out.
It hurts a lot.
One of the things I am learning from the WOR is to embrace the pain we all have. Today, my own pain became too much for me to hold.
So now I ask you all to hold some of my pain with me.
This week it's been like my brother is abusing me again and my parents are watching him do it. I've gone to them for help and they don't believe me. Shame on them.
Earlier I felt like I lost my family. Now I feel like my family has lost me.
I'm a better man than they'll ever be locked in their cave of lies.
I pray this gets better.
Peace, I hope.
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#222239 - 05/03/08 12:49 AM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: NWcats]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jackson,
Something has died today and you are feeling it. Your little Jackson knows it and he is grieving. Hold the funeral or wake or whatever you do for such things. Mourn and be sad for it is indeed a great loss. This loss of a fathers love, a mothers love, and a brothers love that you deserved and never really had. For if you had that, they would have been there to protect and care for you when you needed it. It is a great loss and one I am all to familiar with. I weep with you my friend Jackson.
Take a symbol, some momento of that loss and bury it and mark it for it will never return.

Some day in the future your family may heal as you will heal and you may know the love of Family again. It will be a birth, not a resurrection.

What died this week needed to. It had been ill for a long long time and was beginning to infect you. What may be born in the future will be different in many ways but it will never resemble what has died this week. And that is for the better. If something in the future should arise in your family's heart for you it will not be the sick, fake, thing you will bury now. It will be real and it will be painful and awkward but it will be honest. I am not saying it will ever happen. I am saying that IF it does let it be what it is and not what you wish it to be. What we all have wished it to be. Let it be what ever it is and love it and accept it slowly and with your heart and your eyes wide open.

lots of love Jackson....


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#222292 - 05/03/08 11:12 AM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: Freedom49]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Jackson,

Like Roger says, mourn the loss. We're here to support you in the process. There are no wrong feelings so just let them flow, whatever they are. Note them in your mind in some way so that you'll be able to process them later when the grief has subsided.

You describe the beauty of the mountains around Seattle bringing tears to your eyes and in doing so you tell us a lot about the person you are. It means you're a sensitive, caring man who knows real beauty and has real beauty in his own soul. Celebrate that beauty, Friend. It's yours to hold and pass on to others in the world around you as a free gift.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#222305 - 05/03/08 01:49 PM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: WalkingSouth]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Jackson,
I can relate to your pain about your abuser calling your abuse normal. My abuser was my older brother as well. And even though I told my mother, I don't want to confront my brother. My biggest fear is that he will deny it ever happened or call it "normal". I really admire you for putting your self out there to save this little kid.

I'd like to think I would but I don't know if I would have the guts to do what you did fearing the rejection from family.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#222341 - 05/03/08 08:50 PM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: onlyakid]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Thanks for the update, Jackson. I know this has been an incredibly stressful, agonizing week for you. But your strength is clear, and I can tell you have the ability to see this through. You are doing so well with it. I pray for peace for you to continue doing what you feel is right in it.

_________________________
Eddie

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#222345 - 05/03/08 09:06 PM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: NWcats]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: NWcats
Shame on them.


EXACTLY! Shame on them...and praises to you!

Jackson, you are absolutely blowing me away with all of this. The behavior of your brother and your parents is inexcusable...Its predictable..but still inexcusable.

You may even think to yourself "someday, they'll all see the light...they'll see that it happened and I was right to stop the adoption and confront my brother." The reality is that they may never see the light. They may never see that you are right and that your brother is dangerous.

The other thing that catches my attention here is that DSS is taking this very seriously. I thank GOD for that!!! As much as I hate to say this about DSS in any state...they are a good reality check in this case.

When the accusations and attacks start flying your way from your familiy, you can always say, "If I was so fkg wrong, why did DSS take this so seriously?"

One question I would LOVE to ask you parents: "Do you guys think childhood sexual assault is wrong?" I bet that question would get them squirming and stuttering.

Look Jackson, you are surrounded here by people who "get it." WE can always provide a reality check. The LAW provides a reality check. In this case DSS can provide a reality check. YES, you are doing the right thing. YES it hurts like hell. But I'm guessing you will not get what you want and truly need from your parents. I'm sorry, but I've heard no evidence to support any other conclusion. I hope I'm wrong.

(((Jackson))) I'm truly impressed by you sir!

_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#222959 - 05/06/08 11:53 PM Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: Still]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
hi guys,
another challenging day today. I spent about an hour talking with DSS. I read a prepared statement and then took questions.
the conversation went well. i felt heard and validated although it's awfully hard to have people ask question that question my veracity. i don't necessarily think they don't believe me, but i know they have to do their job.
it makes me mad at my brother that his denials need to be countered by my having to have such a painful conversation.
the next step is that DSS has asked to speak to my T. i'm OK with that if my T is, and I can't imagine he wouldn't be.
still, i don't like that DSS needs to hear from my T that i'm not making this up!! (maybe that's not what they want to ask, i don't know...)
anyway, my job is pretty much done, I believe. now i can get back to my healing.
i'm trying hard to not focus on my brother or my parents but focus on what i have, who i am and the good in the world.
thanks again for everyone's support. it has been very important and very helpful.
peace,
jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#222967 - 05/07/08 12:16 AM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: NWcats]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jackson,
I know that was necessary but I also know it was very hard for you to sit through that. Being cross examined while you brother seems to get a free pass. It is not the way it actually is but I know it can feel that way. You did a good thing. I think looking back it will be a healing thing too.


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#223005 - 05/07/08 05:13 AM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: NWcats]
Hourglass52 Offline


Registered: 04/16/08
Posts: 59
Loc: New York
Your strength to do this inspires me. When ever I have difficult moments or triggers I will remember your strength. Thank you for being so strong it makes me think that there could be an end to all of this, and people do care.

_________________________
" This above all: To thine own self be true" (William Shakespeare).

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#223014 - 05/07/08 08:31 AM Re: Hurting. My abuser said what happened was normal [Re: Hourglass52]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
Great Job, Jackson, I am not sure I would have the courage to step up. Great Job!!!!!!

Tazrad


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