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#220559 - 04/25/08 11:28 PM New Here
antiphaedre Offline


Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 8
Hi, this is my first post here. I've been involved with this man who recently told me that he was abused as a child. I am pretty sure I am the only person that he has ever told. I care for this man very deeply but I feel a little overwhelmed with the trust he has placed in me. I feel that it is imperitive that I handle this well. Any advice?


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#220573 - 04/26/08 12:06 AM Re: New Here [Re: antiphaedre]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi,

Many of us have felt very deep shame over the years and we use that shame to tell ourselves that we're not worthy of love and respect as well as so many other good things. As with any man, but I think especially with male CSA survivors they need to feel respected and loved. Therein lies your challenge because until he learns to respect and love himself it will be difficult for him to believe that he is loved and respected by you.

I'd start out be reading a couple of books that can be found in our own Book Store powered by Amazon located on a tab on our home page.

The first is "Victim's no Longer" authored by Mike Lew.
The second is "Abused Boys, the Neglected Victim's of Sexual Abuse" by Mic Hunter.

While in the book store you may wish to look at some of the other titles and pick out any that look like they may apply in your case.

Recovery from sexual abuse if a difficult journey for the male survivor, but it is possible and is a journey well worth taking. Remember you can be there to love and support him, but you cannot make the journey happen to any large degree. It is his and his alone. You can, of course, encourage him along the way

I wish you well, and remember, YOU are important too!

Lots of love,

John



Edited by walkingsouth (04/26/08 10:42 AM)
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#220596 - 04/26/08 02:32 AM Re: New Here [Re: WalkingSouth]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
Hello and Welcome Here!

You sound like you are in a familiar situation, well familiar for me. I first came out to my girlfriend my junior year of high school. So while I may not be able to understand her side of it, I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. It is natural to feel overwhelmed, it is very good that you appreciate the gravity of it. When I came out to my girlfriend I didn't at all, I just really wanted her to really understand me on a deeper level, I wasn't thinking about healing or anything, I just wanted to be loved for who I am for once, not who I pretend to be. The trust issue, the aforementioned girlfriend, now ex, once threatened to "out me"...and at the time I was terrified, but since coming out about my abuse to more and more people, the burden I placed on the people I trust has lessened. I often feel guilty about what I have put my exe's through as a consequence of my CSA, it isn't easy being with a survivor, but if you care about them, its worth it. I hope I offered some help and perspective. If you ever want to talk, or need some more insight/advice feel free to PM me.Best wishes.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

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#220606 - 04/26/08 08:13 AM Re: New Here [Re: antiphaedre]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome antiphaedre,
I'm not exactly a poster child for disclosure so I really only have the survivor side of this topic. I never told anyone, even those I loved that I had been abused until 25 years later. The fact he trusted you enough to tell you speaks volumes of how safe he feels with you knowing about his abuse. This is a great start on the road to recovery. John has some great advise and I would like to add that taking care of yourself is also important. Although you will probably work together on this it is him that needs to take the steps to recover. I know nobody could tell me anything until I was ready to hear it. As it ended up I sought recovery on my own and am doing well. This site has been a great tool for me and I hope you find it as useful as I have. I wish you both well on you journeys of recovery.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#220612 - 04/26/08 09:07 AM Re: New Here [Re: GateKPR4]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Welcome antiphaedre,

Walkingsouth beat me to it...but he got it wrong (which is why he need to leave this task to a well-rehearsed professional - like me \:\) )

Its "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew.

A lot of what you read in that will not resonate with you. It will however resonate quite well with your guy if he reads it. Most of the guys here (me included) find that we run out of highlighter several times while reading this book. SO much of it applies directly to us. So keep that in mind while you are reading it. My copy looks like it was dipped in a bucket of highlighter.

You're a good person! Thank you for taking this approach with his news.

_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#220624 - 04/26/08 10:46 AM Re: New Here [Re: Still]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
Welcome antiphaedre,

Walkingsouth beat me to it...but he got it wrong (which is why he need to leave this task to a well-rehearsed professional - like me \:\) )

Its "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew.


Yeah, Rob. I saw that this morning when I logged on and had a PM about it!

At any rate it's an excellent book to help in understanding your survivor loved one. Mike did a first rate job.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#220651 - 04/26/08 12:24 PM Re: New Here [Re: WalkingSouth]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: walkingsouth
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
Welcome antiphaedre,

Walkingsouth beat me to it...but he got it wrong (which is why he need to leave this task to a well-rehearsed professional - like me \:\) )

Its "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew.


Yeah, Rob. I saw that this morning when I logged on and had a PM about it!

At any rate it's an excellent book to help in understanding your survivor loved one. Mike did a first rate job.


Just step away from the keyboard sir!


OOPS...someone had the good manners to point out yer error in private??? How novel!

_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#220666 - 04/26/08 12:59 PM Re: New Here [Re: Still]
antiphaedre Offline


Registered: 04/25/08
Posts: 8
Thank you for the advice and welcome everyone. I just picked up Victims No Longer by Mike Lew yesterday on my way home from work and I will keep "Abused Boys..." by Mic Hunter in mind. I have to say that I am very greatful that I found this site as it has provided me with a lot of insight.





Edited by antiphaedre (04/26/08 02:22 PM)

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