I am so lost lately ...
if I put it into words, I am going to crash ...

just as well everything is coming at me in song form LOL


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADlAc-NsDng

Your not lost. Your here among family. Safe friendly helpful loving family. Where your always welcome. If you need to crash here is as good a place as any Arron.

(((((Arron)))))

Thanks Roger ...

the old rattlin bones got me ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpVcOodfGKE

Gavin,

Sometimes we just need to say this, knowing that others will listen and understand.

Much love,
Larry

Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiDpMfEeo3Q

if I only could, I'd make a deal with God & get him to swap our places

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BZsXVf6INc

love ya G

Thanks Craig ...

for av, michael & me
If I was weak, forgive me ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaDGXXF5Ve0

There's no changing yesterday ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79DrGah0GuY

No there isn't sadly but I can change tomorrow hopefully.

***vid may trigger/offend ... you've been warned LOL***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPlH50izErc

OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

Damn that hurt to watch what little I saw of it. Sorry Arron, it did not trigger me so do worry but it just hurt real bad to watch. Sigh.

Recovery sucks.

Sorry Roger ...

that song always gets me ... especially in the context used here as a celebration of love & caring ...
it's always meant something else altogether to me !!!

http://video.aol.com/video/music-prince-when-doves-cry/1128162

Hmmmm a Sorry arron & a Sorry Roger ...
that would make us a pair of sorry bastards then LOL
I guess the only way is up ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55CW4LkG0QA

your right Roger ...
recovery sucks !!!

Wow, Roger nailed the response on this one. OUCH!!!!!! I watched this last night several times. Man, this really bites me.

Here's the lyrics for anyone who is interested:


That's all I wanted
Something special, something sacred -
In your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked
At your side

Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever..
Say it can be

That's all you wanted
Something special, someone sacred -
In your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked
At my side

Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We'd be happy

(Baby)
I will be your father figure
(Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(I'd love to)
I will be your preacher teacher
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(It would make me)
I will be your father figure
(Very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you -
Until the end of time

That's all i wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That'sail i wanted
Just to see my baby's
Blue eyed shine
This time i think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be
Strong

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger -
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what i'll be. .

So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling
Don't think of me

Because all i ever wanted
It's in your eyes baby, baby
And love can't lie. No...
(greet me with the eyes of a child)
(heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won't let you go, my baby

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
Will be your father figure
Have had enough of crime
So I am gonna love you
Until the end of time
Will be your father
Will be your preacher
'Ii be your daddy
Will be the one who loves you until the end of time

Yeah Eddie I could not watch the whole thing. That episode and the song brought back a lot of VERY painful memories. I never watched the show. To many triggers. Ouch ouch ouch ouch. I need some psycho advil.

Everything is so mixed up,
I feel hopelessly lost,
nothing makes sense to me anymore,
I long for an end, yet I hate it,
I cover the cracks best I can ...

ouch doesn't do it justice ...
so I'll borrow from a friend,
Fuck ! Fuck it ! Fuck it all !

I shouldn't go here ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJH1WSmDfuA&feature=related

Jimmy Somerville For A Friend lyrics

I never cried the way I cried over you,
As I put down the telephone and the world it carried on.

Somewhere else, someone else is crying too,
Another man has lost a friend, I bet he feels the way I do.

And now I'm left without, but you're here within.
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away,

All the memories of you come rushing back to me.
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away,

All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye.

Summer comes and I'd remember how we'd march,
We'd march for love and pride, together arm in arm.

Tears have turned, turned to anger and contempt,
I'll never let you down, a battle I have found.

And all the dreams we had, I will carry on.
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away,

All the memories of you come rushing back to me.
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away,

All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye, goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye.

And all the dreams we've had, I will carry on.
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away,

All the memories of you come rushing back to me.
As I watch the sun go down, and darkness comes to me,

All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye, goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye.

you come regular like seasons... shadowing my dreams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NxtFHNqq1Y

its probably time to say this ...

After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall
So, softly as I leave you there ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6eMYoAraXg

life carries on & on & on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ3wpjdYMqk

Sunny days
Where have you gone?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nwh3FmpZ7kg

My cat died and I quickly poured myself some gin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXYgziSxxt8

Then you win ... can't wait to get to that part ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXbMRtVzYwk

"Tripping"

First they ignore you
Then laugh at you and hate you
Then they fight you
Then you win

When the truth dies very bad things happen
They're being heartless again
I know it's coming and there's going to be violence
I've taken as much as I'm willing to take
Why do you think we should suffer in silence?
When a heart is broken there's nothing to break

You've been mixing with some very heavy faces
The boys have done a bit of bird
They don't kill their own
And they all love their mothers
But you're out of your depth son have a word

I know it's coming and there's going to be violence
I've taken as much as I'm willing to take
Why do you think we should suffer in silence?
The heart is broken there's nothing to break

All is wonderful in past lives
Dreaming of the sun she warms,
You should see me in the afterlife
Picking up the sons of dust

When you think we're lost we're exploring
What you think is worthless
I'm adoring
You don't want the truth the truth is boring
I've got this fever, need to
Leave the house
Leave the car
Leave the bad men where they are
I leave a few shells in my gun
N' stop me staring at the sun....

I know it's coming and there's going to be violence
I've taken as much as I'm willing to take
Why do you say we should suffer in silence?
My heart is broken there's nothing to break

I know it's coming and there's going to be violence
I've taken as much as I'm willing to take
Why do you think we should suffer in silence?
A heart is broken there's nothing to break

You know Im feeling so alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDh1x38osHs

Accepting the flaws of using masks to cope ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPUpxIBkcjM

Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?

Tell me a story where we all change ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04V1HYyFP8M

but if you have a change of heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMLV05lqsx8

(crappy visuals... friggin awesome song mon)

For all I've been blessed with in this life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Efx8KaLlKmA

Can't you hear all those sweet voices singing
Takin' care of the chosen ones

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9F2WWcB3bbI&feature=related

Hey Hope I ain't got long to wait for the crack up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFGQV4fGW8o

Can't fight your destiny ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6rC6LUHKKw

Linda and Vika Bull rock !!! LOL

It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dukmp4v9ZiU

People, wasting away in paradise
Going backward, once in a while
Moving ahead, falling behind
What do you believe

I've found my exhibition music for the next season, and the right version. I can't change yesterday, but I can make beauty out of it, just like he did. (No video, but amazing singer and song)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vY7lC8UVICs

Andrei thank you ...

its a truly lovely version that I hadn't heard before ...

You'll do great next season ... hope we all get to see ya doing ya thing

Nobody knows just how it feels today

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tHQS8VYcM8

Enough is enough is enough is enough

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ighJaLOBiNI&feature=related

I WONDER WHAT THE PRICE WOULD BE
TO ROAM THROUGH TIME ETERNALLY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIXI9P3ZOhU&feature=related

Salt

Tears so hot they burn
fall silently while you sleep.
choking on life's bitter pill
and the nauseating burn
of betrayal and abandonment.
the question burning up the night
lies echoing in my head
blinders questioning reality presented
as the sheets grow crusty with salt
and all I can hope is to endure
perhaps pass out from exhaustion
cursed ground, cursed seed!
war, disease and fate
I have survived through them
through the ages, for this?


Written by a friend,
Thank you Pariah.

There's more to love than boy meets girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ms5hywM4VC0

Since I've come home,
Well, my body's been a mess

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Peul8QOAxM&feature=related

But when I woke up this mornin'
Could have sworn it was judgment day

http://video.aol.com/video/music-prince-prince-1999/1128161

I AM THE CHOICE

I am made up of:
the anger, frustration, pain, and craziness of my family;
the love and abuse I received;
the boy who could not cry or forgive,
the man who can now cry, understand, and forgive;
the one who questioned the pain,
yet never gave up,
and found healing for his inner wounds.

I made the choice to:
Let go of the past and live in the present;
not to be frozen and cold-hearted like some from my past;
start fresh each day, live, love and make mistakes,
learn the lessons each day holds,
accept, love, and forgive myself and others in my life.



written by Phoenix

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKxnJ5iyC-w

"How To Save A Life"

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life



I find the suicide thread in World news very disturbing ...
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=223011&page=1#Post223011

18 Abuse victims commit suicide and they talk about the chemical
imbalance in their brain & devising a test to stop further suicides ... maybe I am reading it wrong ...
having lost friends to suicide ... maybe its too close to home ...
learning to love, to reach out & how to save a life seems more important to me
*sigh*
(sorry roger another sad song LOL)

Ok I am over av ...
My therapist tells me our relationship was 'abusive',
and while that pissed me off, reality sucks !!!

Found this poem ... reminded me of a dream I had a while ago ...

The Embrace
by Mark Doty


You weren't well or really ill yet either;
just a little tired, your handsomeness
tinged by grief or anticipation, which brought
to your face a thoughtful, deepening grace.

I didn't for a moment doubt you were dead.
I knew that to be true still, even in the dream.
You'd been out--at work maybe?--
having a good day, almost energetic.

We seemed to be moving from some old house
where we'd lived, boxes everywhere, things
in disarray: that was the story of my dream,
but even asleep I was shocked out of the narrative

by your face, the physical fact of your face:
inches from mine, smooth-shaven, loving, alert.
Why so difficult, remembering the actual look
of you? Without a photograph, without strain?

So when I saw your unguarded, reliable face,
your unmistakable gaze opening all the warmth
and clarity of you--warm brown tea--we held
each other for the time the dream allowed.

Bless you. You came back, so I could see you
once more, plainly, so I could rest against you
without thinking this happiness lessened anything,
without thinking you were alive again.

Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8z4oKr_SN4

Grieve as long as you need. Cry till the tears come no more. Ache till your heart is numb. Lay till you think you will never rise again. Dream till sleep releases you. When you are done your life patiently waiting will be here where you left it.

with love

Thank you Roger
I don't know what I am doing here ...
I don't know what I am supposed to feel anymore ...
about michael, av, my father, my brother, my cousin,
the people I love ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSfw-qWAJ4w

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough

Hello Dad,
Remember me?
I'm the man you thought I'd never be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAzYIEWCNgA

'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-WZG-y2e9k

My head is a box full of nothing
and that's the way I like it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwwCJcwR9QQ

In this day and age it's so easy to stress

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx0RsbE7Qds

Every step I take, Every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray I'll be missing you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QJse82M6BM

there's nothing like you & I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-SRRGyTa24

The road of life is rocky

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUUwCW4ClPo

Ode To My Family

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap9hiJjEr5Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3pGTzczLFs

As we walk down the road of our destiny
and the time comes to choose which shall it be
the wide and crooked, or the strait narrow,
we got one voice to give and one life to live
stand up for sumthin or lay down in your game
listen to the song that we sang
its up to u to make it be
I guess i'll see u when u c me

this is for all my bros here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1KtScrqtbc&feature=related

I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAKF3_hCSNs

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUmhtWUheTY

I’ve been lost
Wandering the corridors
of my mind

Meeting all my altars
And the memories their assigned
Finally Surrendering

To the arms of my Angel
As my spirit is flagging
St Raphael

Please keep me safe
All I want is to be normal
& come home once more

St Raphael Prayer

Show me the way, Show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain
And take my confusion away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfImB2eIoyQ

I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I go back to black

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aygAu1x2uQo&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI_xYIxUTE0&feature=related

Since I've come home,
Well, my body's been a mess

Arron, My prayers and thoughts are with you. I do hope your feeling better. You will make it. You area survivor.

Hey Roger ...

You are always in my thoughts and prayers,
Thank you for always being here for me,

A song for you,

I found my way out of the darkness,
Kept my faith (I know you did)
Kept my faith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuU0cJ_iW8w&feature=related

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxfpMGLMZ7Y



Quack Fucking Quack