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#219951 - 04/23/08 04:14 PM I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox!
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Hello everyone,
I posted here several months ago but haven't done so since. I've been married 30 years to a really good man. He loves me and our two (almost) grown children. Over a year ago, I found gay porn on our computer. I asked him about it and he said he had no idea, but to make a long story short, of course, he had been spending a lot of time on these websites. We've been through many lies, half-truths,angst and pain. He finally mentioned that he had been molested by his father for at least two years( that's what he remembers) beginning as young as 5 years old, but not sure. Of course, he tells me he's absolutely fine, has made peace with it and refuses to go into therapy (or couples counseling). I'm in therapy and trying to get over things by myself, but I'm still having a seriously hard time of it. The thing is, I realized the other day that when I get on my computer at home, I have the same horrible kicked in the gut feeling I had when I first saw what he had been doing. It's gotten so I'm afraid of/hate my computer. That's pretty stupid!
He also gets these underwear catalogs that he insists he only get's for the underwear but they are seriously more about the guys in the underwear than they are clothing. They sell calendars of the models. I went online, and apparently this is a favorite of gay guys. Every evening when I drive home, I approach my mailbox with trepidation, wondering what I'm going to find. This is absolutely ridiculous to be terrorized by my computer and mailbox. Has anyone experienced anything similar or am I really way off base? By the way, even though I haven't posted for a while, I read the forum daily. I get a lot of reassurance from it. Thanks everyone.


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#219954 - 04/23/08 04:37 PM Re: I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox! [Re: Therese]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Theresa, Your husband is exhibiting signs of same sex attraction. This is not unusual for someone who was abused by a male as a child. The natural curiosity of a child is not grown out of and is inprinted when this happens. It is not a big deal as he has not acted on it from what your post suggests. The natural curiosity just got stuck and he may need to help to see what is happening and to deal with the feelings he has. It is not unusual to grow up and retain this facination for the male body. I hope this helps you understand but what to do about this will be up to him once he understands what is going on and that may take a session or two with a T.


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#219982 - 04/23/08 06:31 PM Re: I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox! [Re: Freedom49]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Therese,

Is he still doing this or are you still reeling from what you found out a year ago? Either way, you're hurt and that counts for alot, but I think it matters in how you deal with you and how you talk to your husband.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#220035 - 04/23/08 09:16 PM Re: I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox! [Re: Trish4850]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Therese:
To add to what Roger said, there is another possibility. The male attraction/interest is now on his terms. Going on the computer, getting mailings of male stuff is totally up to him. He can take it or leave it (unless it has become an obsession and despite attempts or desire to quit, he is still drawn there.)

One clue is his need to avoid therapy or talking about this. If he goes to therapy, he will need to confront the abuse, the fears, helplessness and all the other bad stuff that goes with the abuse. Dabbling in the same-sex materials on his terms may be one way he can gain a sense of control which was out of his hands way back when.

You don't lose it until you confront it.

Ken


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#220061 - 04/23/08 10:52 PM Re: I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox! [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Therese:

To add yet more to what Roger and Ken have said, I can understand the fear. Has he discontinued cruising gay porn sites or is this still something he's doing? There may be a need for you to draw a line and tell him it has to stop if he doesn't want to loose his happy home. You deserve to be respected and if he's acting out in this way that respect is not happening.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#220097 - 04/24/08 01:16 AM Re: I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox! [Re: WalkingSouth]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Dear everyone,
Yes, I do understand that this is a same-sex attraction. He's told me that he had sex with guys while in college but says he hasn't done anything since we've been married. i
I want to believe him, so I guess I will. He doesn't make the connectione between this and his childhood abuse. He really will not see a therapist and really doesn't want to talk about this at all. I have to say I'm a bit pissed off because I feel like I'm left dealing with this alone, although I do understand that it's painful for him to talk about (although he says he's "fine"- go figure.) The think is I realize how crazy I've become feeling terrorized by my computer and mailbox. When I asked if anyone had any experience with this, I meant has anyone had similar experiences of fear (need a stronger word-not sure whaat it should be) of things that remind you of your partners' acting out? (I guess its acting out-hard to know when he won't talk about it). I feel incredibly alone, and after more than a year of this,I'm also feeling pretty worn down.


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#220370 - 04/25/08 09:25 AM Re: I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox! [Re: Therese]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
I'm not certain what happened to this thread. Sweet n sour had responded to me. I was going to respond to her, but her post was missing. Now I don't see any posts here. Is the board acting up?


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#220396 - 04/25/08 11:24 AM Re: I'm afraid of my computer and mailbox! [Re: Therese]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Therese. I see all of the posts made in your thread, except the one by SNS. Since her post wasn't removed by any of the Mods ('cause there was no reason to do so), I can only assume that she deleted it herself. SNS if you read this and you didn't delete your post, let me know and I'll investigate to find out what the heck happened.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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