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#219822 - 04/22/08 10:01 PM Why do I feel weird about kissing? ?
JustJeff Offline
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Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
K. I was just contemplating things and I relized that I for whatever reason feel wierd whenever I think of kissing. I can't really imagine myself kissing someone. Why? does anyone have any ideas about this? And it's even stranger cause i'm in the midst of a crush on a girl but for whatever reason i can't imagine myself kissing, her or anyone, yet i can see myself doing anything else sexually but kissing. it's so weird. For some reason thinking of this has put me in a sort of depression. i want to have a relationship with this girl i like but i'm not sure i have it in me to kiss someone. ah, this just sounds weird.



Edited by JustJeff (04/22/08 10:18 PM)
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#219834 - 04/22/08 11:34 PM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: JustJeff]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Jeff,

Hell, I didn't even really understand kissing at age 16/17 when I had my first girlfriend. I kissed her because I was pretty sure that was the thing I was supposed to do, but there was nothing there! It just sorta fell flat and she later broke up with me. Never said why. Four years later I knew what kissing was and discovered it to be my favorite pass time.

I guess the point I'm making is that what you're experiencing is not necessarily anything out of the ordinary, wrong, or weird. It is what it is. You'll figure it out when it's time to, and boy will it be fun! Just relax and go with it. Don't fret about what is or is not. You'll be okay.

Lots of love,

John

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“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#219878 - 04/23/08 06:54 AM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: WalkingSouth]
JustJeff Offline
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Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
But the problem is that i've kissed girls in the past and it's just now that i relieze that i feel weird about it.

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#219883 - 04/23/08 08:47 AM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: JustJeff]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
I think of a line from the movie Pretty Woman. If you're not familiar with this movie, it's about an "escort" who has one of her clients fall in love with her. In the movie she makes the statement about sex and kissing. She's willing to have sex with anyone, but no kissing, because it's too personal.

For me, kissing is a lot more passionate and personal than sex. Granted kissing for me is just a lead in to sex, hence the reason I don't kiss anyone but my wife, which of course is the proper thing to do in a marriage, but I know that when my wife and I kiss, my mind just assumes sex is next in line, but sex is something that doesn't necessarily lead to kissing.

Hope something there makes sense. To me, the kissing, caressing, foreplay etc is far more personal and loving than sex.

Just another one of those broken things that I have to figure out how to fix at some point.


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#219968 - 04/23/08 05:26 PM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: JustScott]
JustJeff Offline
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Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Thanks Scott, that analogy you used to describe kissing matched my feelings exactly, i just couldn't describe it in words cause the words we're not coming to mind.

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#220231 - 04/24/08 06:34 PM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: JustJeff]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jeff,

You might also feel weird about kissing now, as opposed to previously, because now you are beginning to talk about the things that trouble you about your abuse issues.

If this is on your mind I can imagine dealing with the idea of kissing a girl would be difficult. As Scott says, kissing is a pretty intimate thing to do with someone. I have to say that the memories I have about the abuser kissing me are as difficult to handle as the actual abuse acts themselves. When he kissed me I felt so utterly "owned" and vulnerable.

You may not have the same memories, but as you're dealing with pretty heavy memories anyway it doesn't surprise me that kissing feels strange to you. I wonder if you even find that it feels "dangerous" somehow. If that's the case, I would say there are almost certainly connections to abuse on your mind here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#220244 - 04/24/08 07:56 PM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: roadrunner]
JustJeff Offline
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Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
Kk. Thanks.

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#220397 - 04/25/08 11:42 AM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: JustJeff]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hmmmm interesting Scot. I found this topic quite hard to read because of the use of the S word, but at the same time I'm feeling I need to reply here.

It really does bother me that I've never been kissed, ---- not in the close, adult sense anyway. I can handle being twenty five and stil a virgin, ---- unless of course you count the abuse itself, --- but let's not go there, but the thought that nobody has ever wanted that closeness with me really hurts. when I see my friends very casually and confidently kissing their respective partners, it's one thing that really gets me going.

I think it's because I had many things done to me, ---- but I was never kissed, for the very obvious reasons which Scot explained above. contemplating anything else with a girl is something I find really frightening, and something which will take a lot of doing on my part and a lot of commitment and help from the other person, ---- assuming it ever happens of course, but I really am genuinely wanting to do the kissing thing.

when I started my recovery, My highly liberal parents actually suggested getting an escort to try and desensitize me to the hole thing, ---- an idea I veto'd very quickly out of major fear and disgust at the thought. One of my chief sources of disgust, was that with such a person, neither the desire to kiss, nor the act of kissing would be involved, thus making it for me just more abuse.

I'm sorry if this is a really unhelpful take on the kissing question, and I'm sorry if it isn't helpful to people who've already kissed someone and felt nothing and are having trouble with those feelings. It's entirely possible I'll be in the same state if it ever happens.


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#220404 - 04/25/08 12:17 PM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: dark empathy]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Why do I feel weird when I'm wearing a $600 suit for a job interview? Well, first of all, only dead people should be wearing these types of clothes, but, in reference to your initial question, it's a matter of time and getting used to it. I SUPPOSE that if I wore a suit and tie EVERY DAY I would eventually feel totally comfortable wearing it.

So I guess my point is, the more you do it, the less weird it feels.


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#220443 - 04/25/08 02:39 PM Re: Why do I feel weird about kissing? ? [Re: Hauser]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
That a good answer. and i have a suit like the one you mention and i find many people wear them. lol. wow. we're gettin off topic here. lol.

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