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#219743 - 04/22/08 04:54 PM Am I making a mistake?
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
So, my "partner" is turning 50 on Sunday (I'm 28, so that should already clue you in to a lot of the abuse-centered issues that have plagued our "relationship").

That's a milestone birthday and it should not pass unmarked. Also, he has been very kind and generous to me on my birthdays and I feel I owe him something nice -- as a consolation prize or a going-away present? I don't know.

Anyhow, I have just booked us on a 7 day roundtrip cruise from New York to Bermuda. It's something he's always wanted to do and I thought it would be a sweet and thoughtful thing. Despite our problems and despite the fact that we are not (and never really have been) a good match as a couple, I do care about him deeply and I want him to be happy.

But is this a mistake? I'm worried that maybe he's going to read this as a "second honeymoon" or some kind of "reconcilation" thing to put "spice" back in our relationship. At some point, the question is going to come up whether we want the room steward to put the beds together or not -- I'd be quite happy to have the apart, thank you very much.

Fortunately, this cruise will be in the middle of June and there's a lot of couples counseling (or, as I call it, "decoupling counseling") between now and then, but I wonder if I've just made a $3000 mistake...

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#219750 - 04/22/08 05:06 PM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: VLinvictus]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Wow VL, I could see where that could be seen to him as a mixed signal. It is probably ok if you let him know how why you did it like you said above. Tell him not to read anything else into it but you just wanted to do something nice for him. No agena, no hidden signals period. Just communicate in other words. And have fun.


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#219776 - 04/22/08 06:34 PM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: VLinvictus]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
VL,

Yes, 50 is a milestone. What you did is very generous indeed. I think you'll have to broach the subject with him exactly like you've stated here. It's something that he's always wanted to do, he shouldn't read anything into it and the steward will keep the beds separate. If things get too emotionally charged between now and the cruise, he can go alone or with someone else of his choosing. At least that way you're only out some dollars instead of emotional currency.

I think that this subject should be discussed thoroughly with your de-coupling counselor between now and then so that there is no misunderstanding.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#219799 - 04/22/08 07:57 PM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: Stephen_5]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Thanks, guys. That's what I've been saying. I told him that he deserved something nice and special for his birthday. I focused only on him -- I never used "we" or "us."

I hate this. It makes me feel horrible, but sometimes I wish the dogs would hurry up and die so there'd be nothing but the house to deal with.

I shared all of my concerns and frustrations with the counselor by email, so at least she's aware of the situation. I've got to trust that she knows better than I how to handle situations like this.

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#219873 - 04/23/08 05:34 AM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: VLinvictus]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Just a real quick comment. You guys are just going to love Bermuda!!! When I was on my second submarine, we stopped there for three days. Do check out the perfume factory, you can make your own special perfume. There are some nice old forts to look at also. Just remembered this, if you want to go out to eat at a fancy restaurant, bring along a suit and tie. If I remember correctly, most of the locals went around wearing the top half of the suit, with matching shorts.
Also food is more expensive over there, as they have to import most of it, so expect to pay more.

About the cruise, yes he could take it the wrong way. But then again there is something romantic about cruising on the open sea. The submarine tender, I was on had the nickname of the love boat, due to all the romances that got started when she went to sea.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#219893 - 04/23/08 09:34 AM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: lostcowboy]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
omg if someone gto me a cruise for my birthday, i would be stoked (even if i wasnt into them, but i've been known to be shallow.) i think you are overthinking. you did a really nice thing for someone's birthday. and dude.. you are going to bermuda. its a vacation for you as well as him. and if come june, you hate his guts, grab another friend and go.


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#220063 - 04/23/08 11:02 PM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: Jarrad]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Originally Posted By: Jarrad
and if come june, you hate his guts, grab another friend and go.


Jarrad, I thought you were going to say to give you a call. lol

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#220064 - 04/23/08 11:03 PM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: TNuss]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
haha. my dance card is free in june. \:D


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#220429 - 04/25/08 01:45 PM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: Jarrad]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Thanks for the laugh, Jarrad.

We talked about the cruise with the T last night. The elephant in the room has finally been acknowledged: we're not functionally a couple now and we're not going to be in the future and our relationship is transitioning away from that into something else. So, the cruise will not be seen as a couple's getaway, a second honeymoon, or any of that crap.

He did say that he didn't see the point of going on a cruise with "pal" and if he were going to go on a cruise with friend he'd take someone he has more in common with.

He really ought not to look the gift horse in the mouth.

I expect, Jarrad, that you would oodles more fun than him!

Rudolf Hess would be more fun than him!

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#220435 - 04/25/08 02:14 PM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: VLinvictus]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
"He did say that he didn't see the point of going on a cruise with "pal" and if he were going to go on a cruise with friend he'd take someone he has more in common with."

That statement say an awful lot. Your purchase of this cruise vacation was a gift to him. If he does not want to accept in graciously then withdraw the invitation and take some other 'pal' that you have more in common with. That sounded a little harsh but you two are no longer a couple but that doesn't mean that you can't still be friends.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#221871 - 05/01/08 07:55 AM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: VLinvictus]
Cain Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/20/07
Posts: 1
Loc: Nebraska
What I learned through dealing with a lot of my issues is that I need to make myself happy before making others happy. I also learned that the relationships I chose were a reflection of abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child, and once I realized that I couldn't fix that by dating men like my father and my abuser, finding a way to make things right in the present - things that went wrong in the past.I'd not go and figure out a way to move on instead. Your cruise shold be happy for you and something that yuou want and will enjoy. It soen't sound liek you'd really have a good time. You also seem to know that this isn't the right thing to do. Give yourself permission to say no. His happiness is not your responsibility.

_________________________
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#221917 - 05/01/08 10:58 AM Re: Am I making a mistake? [Re: Cain]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Thank you all for the responses. I admit this really is tough.

When I had the idea for a trip as his birthday gift, I knew our relationship was practically non-existant and had no future. Still, I like him and thought he deserved something special for his milestone birthday.

Things are rough now but progress is being made and there's still a lot of time left for further discussion. I am confident that this trip -- as an escape from all the stress and hell of home and work -- will be an opportunity for a new beginning, to enjoy each other's company (if we want to) in a new way.

There are worse things than a cruise to Bermuda...

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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