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#219620 - 04/22/08 04:46 AM Hate and anger kept me alive
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Something died the day that I was raped , I used to have hate and anger that kept me alive. I reacently think I have found my rapest in the US Social Security death index. Now I cant have the fantisy of killing him slowley. May the bastard burn in hell
It seens that my nightmares are more vivid and more freaquent. I just want to close my self away from the world . Every time that I go somewhere that it is crowded I get the feeling that I just have to get the hell out because I start haveing headaches and feel traped . How can ever learn to trust people again. My life is just going to shit . I wish that I could just close Pandoras box . before all of the memorys returned I had something that resimbled a life . But this is not a life . I feel like my soul has died but the body doesnt know to stop.
The index is a good place to look if you thinh that they may be dead. all that you need is a name and where you think that they lived

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#219624 - 04/22/08 05:24 AM Re: Hate and anger kept me alive [Re: OKIE MIKE]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I hate to admit this, but as many times as i might have an awareness that it's not worth giving in to the negative, sometimes i feel the same way- that it is simply brute survival instinct that keeps me from checking out. I know that these feelings aren't any more rational than wearing rose-colored glasses, but trying to stay in a reasonable middle ground seems awfully difficult, when my perspective (as well as others around me) seems so shift with whatever tide happens along. Sometimes i hate myself for making an effort, sometimes i hate myself for trying rather than succeeding... but the urge to give up hasn't yet won out over the urge to stick around to see might happen tomorrow, although it comes pretty damn close. Sorry for ranting, it's been a weird time for me lately.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#219669 - 04/22/08 11:16 AM Re: Hate and anger kept me alive [Re: dgoods]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Mike,

I very much agree with you. Feelings of hatred and anger at the outsideworld is what has been making us struggle and not be like abusers.

This is what is keeping us sane, and the anger is often healing, but not when it leads to destructive and self-defeating behaviour.

Thinking of you.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#219714 - 04/22/08 03:01 PM Re: Hate and anger kept me alive [Re: alexey]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Mike, hi,

I wanted to briefly clarify my idea.

We have struggled with the outside world (society) becauseit always tried to make us feel like not victims and, more, potential perpetrators. We did not like those ideas and we have tried to distance ourselves. Well, I am talking about my pereption, of course.

I guess this ind of struggle and hatred would go on until a survivor lands to a community like ours.

I think so.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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