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#214089 - 03/29/08 11:48 PM Dear Journal
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
I'm really sick right now.

It seems I can't focus on the good things in life.

Its weird.. Because I'm happier than for a little while Some times I can't really see anything positive thats a result of what I'm doing.

Some times I can't see what the worth of my work is. People have ignored me so much in the past that it seems that I don't exist even though people are treating me just fine in present time. Am I living in the past? I am not sure because it seems that my time has reached its end. So much has happened in such a short time, that I can't keep track of all the good and bad things I've done.

It seems that I'm always wrong even though I'm right, sometimes.. So much is wrong with me that I feel like my own Devil. I'm not sure if things are wrong with me genuinely because of my misdeeds or because I've been wronged myself.

I've been so strange in my life that I don't know if I have some semblance of sanity to others. I've noticed that some people notice some idiosancracies of mine, despite me taking care of my quirks by informing them that I am on medication.

I have a recurring memory of being harrassed in school. I had just felt so violated because of people's accusatory tones, and there treatment of me. I am no longer in High School and I don't dwell on the past. But things have been so dreary and gloomy with me that despite my attitude with things of the present, I get hit harder by very trivial things.

I still feel like a sex slave. My therapist is helping me with my emotional difficulties, but I can't help but feel like a broken vessel even though I've been treated well. I have sometimes been a wimp when I should have been stronger, but no matter how strong I become I still sometimes bring myself back into the past to relive my worst sufferings just because of how others treat me, and not how I should be treated.

I suppose that being with the wrong people through the school system for so many years, and the occasional awkwardness with decent people who have had very bad days, have made my experiences in the company of others much worse than they ever should be, despite my own social skills which have been commented by others as being extremely exceptional.

Not only have I experienced embarresment with people who seem to be good otherwise, but I have suffered genuine evils from them as if "they are out to get me". I suppose that it is somehow not true, and although I logically conclude that it is far-fetched, intuitively I am pricked in the thumbs as if some kind of calamity is going to fall on me which is worse than anything that I've ever been through before.


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#218467 - 04/16/08 04:00 AM Re: Dear Journal [Re: Marinan]
rehpotsirhcs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/07
Posts: 204
I can relate to your post in many different ways. If it wasn't 3am I bet I could think of something better to say. For right now all I can think of is "life sucks"....

I get teased, ignored, feel like a sex slave,etc. But, most of the time I think I don't deal with it. I feel like I'm a very bad person on some level and so of course these things would happen to me.

I don't know how to make it better but I hope you at least know you are not alone.....


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#219150 - 04/19/08 06:45 PM Re: Dear Journal [Re: rehpotsirhcs]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Marinan, Chris,

That's one of the great things about our community. We constantly rediscover the truth that we aren't alone. I remember that as one of the most powerful lessons I first learned here.

As you will both see, there is much more that follows on from this, all in it's own time.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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