This morning on the radio they were discussing the fact that people schedule in sex. That we are all so busy that there is no spontaniety anymore.

I always want to "pencil" it in. I like to talk to my H in the morning, and feel out if we will be hooking up later or not. We have 4 kids and feel it has to be somewhat planned.


My H on the other hand DISPISES this with a passion. He hates it to be anything but spur of the moment. Until this morning and hearing other people responding, I never put it in perspective with his past, and how he may have felt pressured to perform on command, when he felt I had the time.

Any thoughts guys?

NYDAISY

NYDAISY,

Good insight. I know if I feel the slightest bit of pressure to perform it gets in my head and one things leads to another and I don't enjoy the experience.

But that being said, it can't always be on his schedule, can it... Maybe you pencil in something else and surprise him? Hmmm... does mild deception on your part equal spontaneity on his part? You know him better than we do so you'll have to be the judge of that.

Good luck!

Michael

Amen to roadrunner, NUFF SAID.
Pete

M3, No it can't always be on his schedule. I am certainly not above a touch of deception, especially if we are both getting what we want. I will definitely try it.


Thanks, NYDAISY

Let me know how it goes! I'm really interested if it works (but spare me the details...LOL).

Hey C ... another interesting topic...

Just read this addition to healthy sexuality and wanted to quote this...

Healthy Sexuality is defined as:

Adds to self esteem
Has no victims
Deepens meaning
Uses vulnerability for excitement
Cultivates sense of being adult
Furthers ones sense of self
Expands reality
Relies on safety
Is mutual & intimate
Takes responsibility for needs
May bring legitimate suffering
Originates in integrity
Presents challenges
Integrates most authentic parts of self
Is fun & playful
Accepts the imperfect

“Sexual excitement also requires that we momentarily become selfish & turn away from concerns about the other's pleasure in order to surrender to our own, that we momentarily stop worrying about hurting or rejecting the other person. We need to have the capacity to "use" another person without concerns that the other will feel used.”

I really believe the statement quoted above is a positive reaffirming of healthy sexuality. My interpretation of the quote would be to say that it encourages one to suspend the belief or thought that we are ‘using’ or ‘being used’ by another when we ensure our own needs are being met.

The concept of healthy sexuality to me means having respect for your partner and yourself, would like to think the term “We need to have the capacity to "use" another person without concerns that the other will feel used.” is suggesting that we have to get over the feeling that sex is about one person ‘using’ another to get their rocks off (as we learnt during our abuse) and that getting our needs met does not mean we are ‘using’ or ‘being used’.

To me, the concept as mentioned is getting confused with terms that have totally different connotations ... ‘using’ and ‘being used’ by someone to get your rocks off with no consideration of the person you are with doesn’t say healthy sexuality to me, it is entirely forgetting that healthy sexuality requires you to be involved with your sex partner, regardless if you are in a committed relationship or having a casual encounter, and that getting your needs met is a vital part of healthy sexuality and should be ‘discussed’ with your partner as a part of our taking responsibility for our own needs.

A one sided encounter where only one person’s needs are being met...

Is that not the situation we found ourselves in during those years of unwanted abuse?

Is it not one of the twisted concepts of sex and love we took forward as we grew into dysfunctional sexual adults?

Is it not a concept or a feeling of being ‘used’ during sex that we are trying to replace now by entering into the concept of “healthy sexuality”?

I ask are we still in the realms of healthy sexuality here...

I don’t see how “using” or “being used” by someone even comes close to being a remotely helpful concept in a “healthy sexuality recovery” situation. Maybe I am missing what you are trying to impart here ... if that is the case I apologize and ask if you would, to please expand on it further.

Hey Pete

Enuff said … not really … I feel that shame and hurt have no place in a healthy sexual relationship, by virtue of abuse many of us lost the greatest pleasure available to us … the joy of sharing ourselves intimately with another.

It is an integral part of the human experience, surely accepting that this part of life is not for the CSA survivor is to give up on living itself.

As Calanthe so eloquently put “Integrating Healthy Sex into your life is a late stage recovery issue” …

I find this topic very enlightening, it really is a needed and essential part of my experience here at MS, the road to healthy sexual recovery is hard work but the rewards are so worth it

Hopefully one day MS will give this important topic its own forum (or sub-forum). As can be seen in this one topic there have been many interesting questions asked and some even answered

"I'm still a virgin. I've had oppurtunities, but frankly I am extremly terrified of sex. When it comes to physical intimacy, I hate it, its so shame and guilt riddled. But I am still in the very early stages of recovery, and it isn't my priority. It is just a nagging aspect of life."

I am new to the forum. After I read what you wrote, it is like you took my exact thoughts right out of my mind. I was raped at 11 and it has had a major impact on my life. I am 27 and have been working with my therapist for 10 months now. After looking around and reading other's posts, I don't feel as much of any odd person for still being a virgin. My thoughts mirror exactly what you said. This brings me a sense of relief. I feel like I have finally found a place with common ground. My friends haven't gone through what rape does to a person in regards to touching and sexual relations with others. I have felt like the outsider because they encourage and think it will be easy "to get some" as they say. Everything that scares me will go right out the window once I find the gal that wants to have sex right then and there. As parts in this thread said, your ready for healthy sex when your far enough along in your recovery. I agree. Currently, I'm not far enough along to be comfortable with any touch but that nagging reminder is still there about sex. Thank you for your time in reading my thoughts on this subject.

Never Again:

Welcome to our support site. Glad that you found us. I think that you will find that we are a caring and supportive bunch of guys. We are all here working towards freedom for everyone. Together we have a much better chance than we have alone.

You have come to the right place. Most of the action is on the survivor forum and the open or off-topic forums. Feel free to ask me any questions. I will be around some on each of the next 3 days if you want to talk.

Have hope, and keep coming back and taking chances. Someday you will be glad that you did.

Mark

I hope you are doing well, nice to see you in the chat.
I am in a healthy relationship for once.
My first marriage was a mistake and the second one was a disaster.

But now I have unconditional love and I cannot believe love can be this great. It is totally differnt and it is makeing up for lost love from my past 45 years. I waited a long time for this and glad I found it.

You have some good ideas concerning love and relationships.

Keep posting.

Michae Joseph