Another piece in the puzzle?
I think I am figuring out finally why sex is so conflicted for me.
Sexual excitement also requires that we momentarily become selfish & turn away from concerns about the other's pleasure in order to surrender to our own, that we momentarily stop worrying about hurting or rejecting the other person. We need to have the capacity to "use" another person without concerns
that the other will feel used.
As a survivor, all I can say is holeecrap.
I am speechless.
This feels bang-on & so frigging loaded to me.
Hey C ... another interesting topic...
Just read this addition to healthy sexuality and wanted to quote this...
Healthy Sexuality is defined as:
Adds to self esteem
Has no victims
Uses vulnerability for excitement
Cultivates sense of being adult
Furthers ones sense of self
Relies on safety
Is mutual & intimate
Takes responsibility for needs
May bring legitimate suffering
Originates in integrity
Integrates most authentic parts of self
Is fun & playful
Accepts the imperfect
“Sexual excitement also requires that we momentarily become selfish & turn away from concerns about the other's pleasure in order to surrender to our own, that we momentarily stop worrying about hurting or rejecting the other person. We need to have the capacity to "use" another person without concerns that the other will feel used.”
I really believe the statement quoted above is a positive reaffirming of healthy sexuality. My interpretation of the quote would be to say that it encourages one to suspend the belief or thought that we are ‘using’ or ‘being used’ by another when we ensure our own needs are being met.
The concept of healthy sexuality to me means having respect for your partner and yourself, would like to think the term “We need to have the capacity to "use" another person without concerns that the other will feel used.” is suggesting that we have to get over the feeling that sex is about one person ‘using’ another to get their rocks off (as we learnt during our abuse) and that getting our needs met does not mean we are ‘using’ or ‘being used’.
To me, the concept as mentioned is getting confused with terms that have totally different connotations ... ‘using’ and ‘being used’ by someone to get your rocks off with no consideration of the person you are with doesn’t say healthy sexuality to me, it is entirely forgetting that healthy sexuality requires you to be involved with your sex partner, regardless if you are in a committed relationship or having a casual encounter, and that getting your needs met is a vital part of healthy sexuality and should be ‘discussed’ with your partner as a part of our taking responsibility for our own needs.
A one sided encounter where only one person’s needs are being met...
Is that not the situation we found ourselves in during those years of unwanted abuse?
Is it not one of the twisted concepts of sex and love we took forward as we grew into dysfunctional sexual adults?
Is it not a concept or a feeling of being ‘used’ during sex that we are trying to replace now by entering into the concept of “healthy sexuality”?
I ask are we still in the realms of healthy sexuality here...
I don’t see how “using” or “being used” by someone even comes close to being a remotely helpful concept in a “healthy sexuality recovery” situation. Maybe I am missing what you are trying to impart here ... if that is the case I apologize and ask if you would, to please expand on it further.