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#223307 - 05/08/08 08:10 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: JustScott]
ondon Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 3
Loc: Utah
First, I would like to thank everyone on this site. It has really brought some perspective in my life.

I am a gay man going through this amusement park therapy ride, and the issue of sex, let alone healthy sex hits close to the core of my issues. I agree with the outline of healthy sexual relationships, am not in the position to say I have encountered anything close.

My (sexual) abuse stopped when I was 15, after I created a very violent personality to confront my older brother. I am also D.I.D. or as known in Hollywood, Multiple Personality Disorder. (Not my only abuse, just my last. Said with no nostalgic ideals.) Since them I have never had a healthy relationship, let alone a healthy sexual one. I am 'porn star' quality, and use that to 'pretend' to have affirmation. I also have been through 8 years of intense therapy, the last episode at DelAmo Hospital outside of L.A. for some intense inpatient program. Embrace the one you are with, be honest,kind and caring.....then enjoy life, including a healthy sexual relationship. That is my 'dream-come-true' sorry MKC you were not IT!!!


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#223309 - 05/08/08 08:20 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: ondon]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Welcome ondon to male survivor. I am glad you found us and am sad that you needed to. Improper and/or early sexualization of a child or person can result in a major malfunction in our sex lives and our feelings about ourselves as men, lovers, husbands fathers brothers etc. This is a place where we try to heal that and get back some semblence of a healthy life. I hope we can help you find some answers and to recover you mind and heart.


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#230188 - 06/10/08 08:27 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: JustScott]
Bulala Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/08
Posts: 17
Hey JustScott...

from the woman's perspective on this one...I have greatly and most assuredly gotten SO much more understanding about my FH through good open lines of communication.

when I first learned of his CSA and began to understand how he see's things in his minds eye during sexual activity (of any kind...) I honestly thought there were going to be super big scary goblins coming out of the closet...not just skeletons! ya know?!
And for the partner who doesn't have a clue what its like to be in y'all's shoes...its really hard not to walk on eggshells all the time. At first I was so concerned about triggers, and...well what is he going to think if I flirt or do this? and what happens if I want it to last longer? what happens if I want a quickie? How do I ASK for what I want and it not trigger a shameful response where he thinks he is a loser who can do nothing right???

In a healthy loving relationship...there is openness, right?
Well I was terrified of that openness.

I was terrified of what he was going to tell me...all those monsters in that closet. I was afraid of what he might want me to do, what he might like...all the what if's.
I knew my general boundaries- just the two of us, non-degrading, pleasurable for each of us. But as a southern woman, lets just say that the 'pleasurable for each of us' concept often got thrown out the window! "He's a man, he has to ejaculate or TERRIBLE things can happen and he will leave you!" my own fears of abandonment would shout. But this man...this man was OH SO different. and I couldn't make sense of it until he explained it.
Now I know that those 'monsters' in his closet that I was afraid were going to invade our intimate affection are more like the monsters from Monsters Inc. than they are from the fires of Mount Doom!!! And most of the time...those "monsters" are just a younger version of my FH in a big scary mask!
there are things that I thought I would take SO long to deal with that haven't taken me long at all, there are other things that will take longer but so what? Thats any relationship right?

I like what other scott said about being able to call it off at any moment if a thought enters your head that isn't healthy and loving and all the rest of those guidelines. Its normal when placing that boundary to build a HUGE METAL WALL at first...I mean, who is honestly going to respect an invisible fence they don't know about? So just communicate your needs...what is good...what is uncomfortable...WHY its good...WHY its uncomfortable.
Its intimacy...INTO ME SEE
I'm supposed to learn about myself as I open myself up to him...and he learns about himself as he opens up...and that makes us closer and more comfortable with each other allowing growth!

Its obvious that you find your wife very attractive...which is SO good to us! We love it when we can put on our old normal clothes that no one used to see and now there is someone who can see that and totally dig it! Don't be ashamed...she is your wife. She is who you chose to comfort you...and guess what....

She chose you!!

shame is what keeps us from being vulnerable. trust cancels it out.

when you can allow yourself to trust that she will respect what you need (even if, to you, it seems odd or that she might think you are 'crazy' or some other label) you'll begin to find a depth that allows even MORE growth! (I know...all this growing crap! hehehe)

I'd also suggest to look at some things that you notice when you are 'getting tense.' so that she doesn't have to call you out on it...that you can be in control of the situation and say...whatever..."My stomach is hurting, so I must be emotionally uncomfortable. Can you help me unpack that feeling?"

the dynamics changing is such a fabulous suggestion....
figure out what works for you,
and what is right for you might seem a little odd or different to you (or your partner), but if it feels totally wrong then have a buzz word!

_________________________
"There's life outside of your madness, and there's a face behind every scar...but theres a LOVE overflowing with gladness. Get out of that place that's restraining your love."

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#230579 - 06/12/08 01:55 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: roadrunner]
unitedfit Offline


Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 10
Loc: New York
I am still very new to this sight and have trouble finding my way around. I have a psych and I have come foward to be honest about my abuse and sexual abuse and realiaze what happened any times and saw how I was not to blame. The one statement made on the first page made by Calathe, about the discalimer, not sure if i should be responding here or were i go to get the advice I need to recover enough to look at healthy sex. I am partnered and would like to learn more about finding how to not follow the bad habits that were implemented into my sexual desires. So i am very confused and feel like I have no idea if I can ask for advice here for getting sexually healthy or were to go so I can eventually look here to work on stopping these bad triggers. I hope all this made sense. Am I in the wrong place?


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#230603 - 06/12/08 04:04 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: unitedfit]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello unitedfit ...

you can ask questions ... if you don't think your questions fit this particular thread, start a new topic and ask your questions there \:\)
You'll be surprised how many people have the same questions as you ... being sexually healthy has many aspects to it.

There was much confusion over where to post this topic, because the title of the forum was felt to discourage open debate, but I guess in the end, you have to start somewhere ... so this forum, for now, is ok to post your questions in, or you could post it in the open forum ... if the mods feel it should be somewhere else they will move it ...

So in short ... post away \:\)

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#240809 - 07/28/08 08:30 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: arronb]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
This post was inspired by a discussion about pornography in a different forum.
I offer it in the spirit of a non Sodom & Gomorrah tone.

I don't subscribe to the school of thought that man & woman were created fully cognizant & emotive
or that sex is specifically for procreation.
Desire & pleasure are basic drives in my opinion.
I agree that sexual addiction is cyclical that becomes self perpetuating in time.
So it is wise to understand the original anxieties, thwarted needs & avoidances that started the cycle initially.

For me, dependence on pornography has a lot to do with control & is the ultimate selfish act.
Our partners are available & willing when we want them to be to do what we want them to do.
The outcome is always predictable & guaranteed.
It is also "vicarious vulnerability" in my opinion.
No risk to myself, unless I am hiding it from someone or avoiding real intimacy or letting Mr. Visa foot the bill.
My own avoidance is what troubles me the most.
I also believe one of the reasons pornography causes such strong distaste is the lack of or caricature of nurturing in the acts portrayed.

Vulnerability, intimacy & nurturing are integral to healthy sex.
I feel seeing depictions without these key aspects triggers negative reactions.

C



_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#249749 - 09/15/08 07:11 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: ineffable]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Another piece in the puzzle?
I think I am figuring out finally why sex is so conflicted for me.

Quote:
Sexual excitement also requires that we momentarily become selfish & turn away from concerns about the other's pleasure in order to surrender to our own, that we momentarily stop worrying about hurting or rejecting the other person. We need to have the capacity to "use" another person without concerns
that the other will feel used.


As a survivor, all I can say is holeecrap.
I am speechless.
This feels bang-on & so frigging loaded to me.

Anybody?

C


_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#249791 - 09/15/08 11:15 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: ineffable]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
I'm not totally sure about that. I find myself thinking of my wife and what she's feeling the whole time. I find myself concerned about getting done before she does because I don't want there to be the possibility of her not getting what she wants. I don't think sex has to be "selfish" in any sense.

I suppose in some sense someone might consider the drive to climax as selfish, but I don't think in necessarily has to be.


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#249889 - 09/16/08 08:35 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: JustScott]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
I'm not totally sure about that. \:\)

Originally Posted By: JustScott
My wife threw on a "Wife Beater T" last night when getting ready for bed. It was tight. Damn was she hot. I wanted her, but almost immediately after that thought I realized what that would mean, and then forget it, I didn't want it.


If you rethink how this started in the context of "using" someone without being concerned how they felt.
Take out all the other concerns/labels/morality including procreation, objectification of your partner or making love or even orgasm itself... the point is can we allow ourselves to think about "using" someone for physical pleasure?
By the same token, can we accept someone "using" us?

That is something I am still giving much thought to because I am conflicted.

Scott, thanks for stepping up here because we have to start somewhere.
In this case with the recognition, understanding & acceptance of a natural desire for sex.

C


_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#249898 - 09/16/08 10:56 PM Re: Recovering Healthy Sexuality [Re: ineffable]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
Wow... that was a quote for a long time ago wasn't it? Wow... forgot all about that :-)

yes, I Guess everything else aside, there is a natural desire for sex. But does that natural desire have to be selfish? It's just an "instinctual" thing isn't it? Which means it's not really selfish or unselfish, it just is.

I think it's like a lot of things. It's not what it is, it's what you do with it.

Maybe I'm just nuts :-)


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