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#218745 - 04/17/08 01:05 PM lol, gonna get shot here
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
K, I'm single and this probably pretty easy for me to say this since I am single. And the married guys are going to be calling for my head but I'm ready for it.

Ready?

Here it is.

How many woman feel like they're having sex with a child?

Stay strong, much ducking \:\)

Mike

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Thriving

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#218747 - 04/17/08 01:11 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: mogigo]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hey Mike,

I'm happy to say not me. But for all of the problems my b/f has, that's not one of them. The answers you receive should be interesting as I'm sure that some of the women here do have such difficulties, although from what I've read, when husband's or b/f's revert to that child-like space in their head, sex is the last thing on anyone's mind.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#218750 - 04/17/08 01:13 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: mogigo]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
I'm not coming for your head. My wife has flat out said she feels like she's living/sleeping etc with a child a lot. Pisses me off when she says it, but it makes sense.

She's also said, during those times I just want to cuddle up next to her and have her just hold me that she feels that I'm trying to get her to be my mom. Which I disagree with, but it's how she feels.


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#218755 - 04/17/08 01:28 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: Trish4850]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Quote:
although from what I've read, when husband's or b/f's revert to that child-like space in their head, sex is the last thing on anyone's mind.


Agreed Trish, I know I spent alot of years just doing because I was not looking at the reason's. Doing for other's or the SO. Just trying to confirm this is what I felt like at the time.

Scary, but asking to see if this really is the problem I'm having looking at sex.


Certainly don't like the "truth" feel pretty bad if I made another feel this way. Wan't to give my ex from 17 years ago a call and say sorry.

Mike

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#218762 - 04/17/08 02:02 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: mogigo]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Hello all
Gonna add this here for consideration as well to this topic
The first component or quality of healthy sex is "nurturing" according to
a book on Sexual Anorexia I am currently reading.
Does that deepen things a bit?


_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#218766 - 04/17/08 03:08 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: ineffable]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
My b/f is usually the one who cuddles me. To be honest, I think a good deal of that has to do with the fact that he's 6'5" and I'm 5'3" so it fits better that way. But, I'm really not a cuddler, neither is he but he used to do it, probably still does to a degree, because he thought it was "expected." {thanks Bitch ex-wife } I'm very physically affectionate and a hugger to be sure, but I'm not big on a long cuddle; I like my space when it's time to go to sleep or while watching TV. On the very rare occasion that he curls up next me, I find it more comforting than the other way around. It's nice to know that he would trust me enough to do that. The last thing I feel like is his mom. Does that make sense to anyone besides me?

Maybe it fits in with Craig's nurturing component of sex and intimacy.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#218816 - 04/17/08 08:01 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: Trish4850]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hey, Mike, this topic isn't so far-fetched.

I don't think it applies in my situation. Most of our difficulties in that area emerge from 1) avoidance of sex or 2) disassociation during it. At the moment, we're doing better with both, so that's a good thing for as long as it lasts.

But I do think, and my BF has said as much himself, that he does have very long-standing issues about feeling like it's OK to be a sexually aggressive man. (His rapists were males.) That's not quite the same, but it's not entirely different either.

We both are very demonstrative physically with each other, lots of hand-holding, kissing and cuddling. Not so much as PDA but privately. We're not too different in height so it seems pretty comfortable, non-threatening, to both of us. Security associated with sex is important to us both.

Peace,
HG

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I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#218851 - 04/17/08 11:07 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: honey girl]
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
I think you raise an interesting question. What I have found is that my H will flip from adult to child in all parts of our life with a bewildering suddenness. One moment he is capable and strong and decisive and the next moment he wants me to take over and make all our decisions, and is sometimes angry with me if I don't make the switch back and forth to his liking. I have at times distinctly had the feeling that he has tried to make me the perfect mother he never had and I have resisted this. I had this feeling and talked about it to him for years before he disclosed his CSA history to me. With what I have since learned, it would not surprise me that sometimes that is the dynamic in bed as well, whether we are fully aware of it or not. The implications of this are pretty horrible to contemplate...
However, it does noone any good to take Mogigo's head off, now, does it? Silencing us is what has been suffocating us all. Thanks for raising a difficult one.


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#218856 - 04/17/08 11:43 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: mara]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Mog and others:

I would like to add another point of view about the same situation. Maybe it's simply a matter of the woman, in each of these relationships, that has more EXPERIENCE with sex, hence, is more COMFORTABLE and confident in knowing what and when to do things, weather she's doing things right or wrong, etc.

Where you see a child-like emotional stance, I see I discrepancy in experience. Make sense?


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#218869 - 04/18/08 06:31 AM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: Hauser]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
In my humble opinion, the physical intimacy of any relationship is an extention of how we feel about ourselves AND how we feel about the person we are with. This begins long before we even step foot into a bedroom.
I feel this aspect of being together can be interpreted however we chose to perceive it. I believe that many of us here are forgetting that even if we remove csa from the equation, this sort of individuality of feeling/thought/perception would be the same for everyone who is in an intimate relationship.
I'm sure many of us partners are also looking for something that has been neglected in childhood to be filled now by the person we are with. Nurturing, support, someone to truly listen and care perhaps???
I feel that the true beginning towards a remarkable physical life together is in acceptance, sharing and understanding...but it's also about standing up and saying "hey, I am here and need that level of acceptance, sharing and support in return. We are in this thing together...it's called a relationship."

Those are just my thoughts and I thank Mogigo for having the courage to put this question out there and duck! (smile) As for feeling if I've ever been making love with a child? I've never had that perception in all of the years my husband and I have been together.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#219179 - 04/19/08 09:26 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
We kinda, sorta, grew up together. One of the things I love best about him is the "child" side. He makes me feel 16 again, and he's the only one that can do it. (16 having been 27 years ago!) I can't say I've ever felt like his mother. (Especially, KNOWING her)
I was actually the one who got him into the hugging thing. One of my best memories is the time he said, "It feels good to hug." And occasionally he'll ask, and sometimes I will. It's an open thing. It's never "expected" between us.

Always,
Liv


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#219423 - 04/21/08 01:49 AM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: Liv2124]
Bulala Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/08
Posts: 17
Wow...great question...and honest!

This is something that FH and I kind of giggle about regularly. He throws kind of childlike temper tantrum (being funny...to minimize those 'scary' emotions like vulnerability!)...seriously...he will kind of stomp his feet and purse his lips and go "Mmmph!" -hilarious...
This is a non-intimate instance of him going to some sort of childlike assimilation place to make sense of an emotion...like I said...most often when he has been 'called out' on a vulnerability!

On the intimate side...there are many times where I have felt more like a 'mother' than a 'lover'...
...not that this 'motherly' intimacy always leads to sex...but sometimes he just needs the breast!! laughing to myself on the Freudian Oedipus Complex that this sounds like, but...I don't think he was breastfed enough/at all! (his mom is a certified loony tunes character!)
If he has had an especially rough day OUTSIDE the home...its sometimes what he uses as a comforting technique to just know that I'm here and he can be vulnerable with me, I'm not going to hurt him. And we have discussed its 'appropriateness' with our counselor and both feel that since it turns me on and most of the time it leads to further intimate affection or some good cuddling...then we're good!
Quite the opposite on the ACTUAL intercourse part...with the knowledge of the CSA its easy to see that I'm with a child who was only shown how to use his parts by a man perp (nothing against MEN in general but just that there is a bit of selfishness that stems from the disconnectedness)

Really I think that the childlike 'attitude/act' (very diff from behavior itself!) during intimate interactions is probably not too unhealthy....factoring in the CSA and healing. Not that this would always be a thing that is or should be going on...but in someone who was not shown this nurturing warmth or loving embrace (a mothers love...if you will) I think that it is entirely appropriate for them to 'use' their wifes physicality to express a psychological need and state of growth.

I've seen 7 year old boy who, when faced with PTSD from non-abuse related issues be comforted only ...*achem*...with a nipple!

So maybe Freud has some sanity hidden under all that cocaine abuse...and sometimes men do have to move backwards in order to go forward...and just maybe parts of the male psyche need to move all the way back to being provided food and protected by someone else, since that is SO tied to the pressure of being 'a man' and providing and protecting others.

thinking out loud there...

_________________________
"There's life outside of your madness, and there's a face behind every scar...but theres a LOVE overflowing with gladness. Get out of that place that's restraining your love."

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#219597 - 04/21/08 11:14 PM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: sweet-n-sour]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
I read somewhere that CSA victims stop developing sexually at the age that they were abused - and if I remember correctly, that statement was meant "mentally" rather than "physically". So yes, sometimes I've felt like I was in a 13-year-old relationship, rather than an adult one. And similarly, thats more mentally than physically - our fights, our break-ups, the sense of responsibility (or lack-there-of) to each other, has often felt like I was in a junior high relationship.


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#219607 - 04/22/08 02:02 AM Re: lol, gonna get shot here [Re: rchsweetie]
childsplay4 Offline


Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 42
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: rchsweetie
our fights, our break-ups, the sense of responsibility (or lack-there-of) to each other, has often felt like I was in a junior high relationship.


Wow! Thanks. I have read a lot here in the last coupla years, but that really hits home.
You hit the nail on the head!
CP4



Edited by childsplay4 (05/03/08 11:36 AM)

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