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#218633 - 04/16/08 09:41 PM i wish
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i sometimes wish i was 14 or 15 again. life was easier during the abuse. i miss it.


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#218634 - 04/16/08 09:46 PM Re: i wish [Re: Jarrad]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I am right there with ya guy. Sometimes.....


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#218641 - 04/16/08 10:08 PM Re: i wish [Re: Freedom49]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
As painful and difficult as healing is, I have never wished I was living through the abuse again. The effects that the abuse has had on my life and my potential, not to mention the shame and fear, was far worse than the recovery. I hope I never live a day where I miss the abuse.

Dan


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#218649 - 04/16/08 10:59 PM Re: i wish [Re: DanM]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I'm with you Jarrad in that I wish for those days when I was relatively carefree. I am hoping I get more of them in the future. But I can do without the abuse.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#218664 - 04/17/08 12:24 AM Re: i wish [Re: hogan_dawg]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
I sometimes wish that I could go back to before I was raped. Because after I was raped my life has not ever ben the same

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#218668 - 04/17/08 12:32 AM Re: i wish [Re: hogan_dawg]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
I'd never wish to be involved in the abuse again, sinse I lost all sense of time and was there forever, with no ability to look to the passed or the future. But I often wish I could go back to the point just after it finished during my A-levels and the first year of my degree. Yes, i was healing, yes, I was depressed and hurt, but for the first time in years I was looking forward, for the first time I had hope and a future. Because I'd been without friendship for such a long time, even a small gesture of friendship meant a lot to me, and I was certain that very soon I was about to meet the right person and fall in love. A girl in my first year changed that idea for me completely.

and in my second year I convinced myself I was fine and had no problem, and that was when I started to stop hoping.

Now I'm honestly trying to heal myself, hope is just pain, and I wish I could go back those few years.

the other day I found the website of one of my close friends from my first year. she was from cansas, and was spending her year a broard in durham, she'd written up a fortnightly diary of her time, and I realized how special that was to her, ----- she even had a photo of me on the site, ----- that made me cry, a lot!

I sent her an E-mail,---- but she hasn't responded.


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#218675 - 04/17/08 12:54 AM Re: i wish [Re: dark empathy]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
I wish I could go back to before it happened, and then see what alternative trajectory my life would have taken.

Or, I wish I could go back to when I recovered my memories, and right away got myself involved in therapy to deal with what happened, instead of having run from myself and creating all sorts of additional hurt and pain.

Am I allowed to cry yet?? Okay, so I don't get any of this so I have to try and do the best now. But no lie, some days make it seem like there is no answers. But others bring more clarity. Man this stuff sucks, I for one could have done without what happened 100% guaranteed. But since that isn't going to happen, what now??!!


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#218677 - 04/17/08 12:57 AM Re: i wish [Re: ericc]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
What now Eric, I guess I heal as best I can. I move on. I become a better person, man, father, husband, lover. In the process. I reach out and help others. What else can I do.


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#218690 - 04/17/08 08:12 AM Re: i wish [Re: Freedom49]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
I agree with you Roger, we have an obligation to ourselves and that little guy that is still deep within us to move forward and achieve a better life. We have to do everythng we can to try and raise ourselves out of this virtual hell that we have been living in. Even if it seems less painful and sometimes a better life when we were coping and locking all the shame and pain away, we are being eaten up inside, like termites eating away at the foundation of a house. Eventually, the damage from the abuse will cause our lives to collapse under its own weight; that is unless we take the necessary remedial action to reconstruct and strengthen our lives.

I agreee sometimes it would be nice to go back to the pre-abuse time in my life, but I know that is not possible. The reality is that I have to play the hand that I was dealt. I think we all need to continue to move foward and get out from under this dark cloud and bask in the sunlight and glory of life. I know I can't continue to stay in the same place in my life because I am afraid of getting burned....I guess, that is why we have sunscreen...:)


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#218709 - 04/17/08 10:02 AM Re: i wish [Re: DanM]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
You ever listen to what "normals" wish they could go back to....or what they'd re-do?

My Father: really wishes he could go back and try harder in school.
My Sister: really wishes she went to a 4-year art school instead of a 2 year.
My Friend: Wishes he could go back and try harder in competitive athletics.

I can tell you one thing: They don't want to know what I wish.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#218712 - 04/17/08 10:11 AM Re: i wish [Re: Still]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
A funny thing happened recently. A guy at my gym was talking - we were in the hottub... I had just finished a swim workout, he was just gearing up to start his. He said, "I wish I could go back to my teen years, I didn't have any worries then."

I looked at him with such envy. My years toward the end of the abuse (11-14) were full of hiding: My feelings, my self hatred, my compulsive eating, my purging, my sexual activity, my smoking, my drinking, my sexuality.... hiding me.

Now isn't easy, but at least now is real... and I'm starting to come out from behind the walls I had to build in order to survive.

Respecfully, Jarrad, for me, I disagree.

love you though, and love that you bring up these thought provoking topics.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#218725 - 04/17/08 10:54 AM Re: i wish [Re: Still]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
The first 14 years of my life I tried to completely wipe out of my memory. I repressed those memories for 41 years. Now I am dealing and trying to heal from the horrow my "Little Guy" had to endure. He is still crying within me.

I owe him to come to some sort of peace. Yes, this recovery is a bitch. The repressed memories, the nightmares, the stress and anxiety all sucks. But I am listening to most survivors and hoping some day this will all be worth it.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#218731 - 04/17/08 11:47 AM Re: i wish [Re: KENKEN]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I've been thinking about what you said the other night in HC Jarrad, how we all seem to go off topic with you when you ask a question. I think maybe it's that perspective thing kicking in again, we all have memories that were better than the abuse so alot of us can't understand how you see it the way you do, so we try to knock down those memories you have instead of trying to encourage you to build better ones. When those are the best memories of you're life you need to hold onto them.

I understand Jarrad but I also think you deserve better ones as well.

Love ya
stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#218737 - 04/17/08 12:26 PM Re: i wish [Re: mogigo]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I guess for me, it isn't that I disagree or want you to change your thinking, Jarrad, I think for me, your comments often make me reflect on MY perseptions... and I go there. I don't want to negate anyting YOU have to say about yourself. I'm not involved in the HC, so don't know if it is my place to comment here, but just wanted to clarify for myself.

dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#218743 - 04/17/08 12:57 PM Re: i wish [Re: dannym]
Jeff Amsel Offline


Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 17
Loc: NJ
Ken/Dan-your posts brougt tears to my eyes....Ken I am obsessed with my obsessions....AA, SA, OA, now I am trying to find a meeting to help me from going to meetings. The only place that is not tempting me is Joggers Annonymous......ha ha
Dan, this kid inside of me is bringing me up on child abuse charges.....I just cant deal with him. He also wont let me live the 12 step program. I am winning, but the day to day fight is exhausting.....any help would be appreciated.

PBL (peace brotherhood love)
Jeff


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#218763 - 04/17/08 02:10 PM Re: i wish [Re: Still]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
I wish I could go back and break his fuckin neck!!


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#218783 - 04/17/08 05:05 PM Re: i wish [Re: Jarrad]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
"If I could turn back time"
I almost put a link to the cheesy Cher on a battleship video
But figgered it may trigger them that swing that way

I took off my abuse coloured glasses the second time I read this thread

On the most basic level ain't this just nostalgia?
Whether we want to maim or marry?

C

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#218854 - 04/17/08 11:26 PM Re: i wish [Re: ineffable]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
it's not like i havnt had good experiences since then. it was just easier. i was taken care of.


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#218860 - 04/17/08 11:52 PM Re: i wish [Re: Jarrad]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
The question then becomes Jarrad, why do you feel like you need to be taken care of? I've never seen any reason that you can't take care of yourself.

L
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#218863 - 04/18/08 12:37 AM Re: i wish [Re: mogigo]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Jarrad,

I can relate to that feeling of needing to be "taken care of". Dwayne and I were talking about this a couple-three weeks back. The thing is for me, I didn't feel taken care of then and I long for it now. There are times when I want to find someone who will cuddle me, hold me, protect me, cherish me, etc. I suppose it goes back to the fact that neither my mother or my father ever provided me that in a way that my youthful mind understood. They fed me and provided a roof over my head. Most of the time they weren't abusive but they never really communicated to me that I was loved. I still long for that and I think it's the source of my wanting to be "taken care of". Perhaps it's a different reason, but perhaps it's the same longing.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#218878 - 04/18/08 08:44 AM Re: i wish [Re: WalkingSouth]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jarrad,

I think I may have told you this already in one of our many talks, but here goes again. By the time I was 14 I was such a wreck that yes, I looked forward to the abuse and was grateful for it while it was happening. The reason was that all the rest of my life consisted of lying, pretending, hiding, keeping the secret, and wondering when "it" would happen next. When the next episode did occur, I was flooded with relief; I could just relax and be worthless me for the next hour or so. I didn't have to worry about when the next time would be - it was now.

And yes, there were many times after the abuse ended when I totally despaired. I had thought that being safe at last would mean the end of my troubles, but in fact they just got worse as I collapsed under the strain of all the confusion, self-hatred, fear and acting out.

I don't think I ever felt like I was being "cared for" by the abuser, but yes, I can relate to what you are saying, Jarrad. Let me assure you that one day you will realize that all those good feelings were illusory; no one who really cares about a boy would do what the abusers did to us, though yes, it is natural that we would want to hang on to those illusions for as long as possible. The alternative is so difficult to accept, however true we may know it to be. We're with you as you deal with all this, okay?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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