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#218712 - 04/17/08 10:11 AM Re: i wish [Re: Still]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
A funny thing happened recently. A guy at my gym was talking - we were in the hottub... I had just finished a swim workout, he was just gearing up to start his. He said, "I wish I could go back to my teen years, I didn't have any worries then."

I looked at him with such envy. My years toward the end of the abuse (11-14) were full of hiding: My feelings, my self hatred, my compulsive eating, my purging, my sexual activity, my smoking, my drinking, my sexuality.... hiding me.

Now isn't easy, but at least now is real... and I'm starting to come out from behind the walls I had to build in order to survive.

Respecfully, Jarrad, for me, I disagree.

love you though, and love that you bring up these thought provoking topics.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#218725 - 04/17/08 10:54 AM Re: i wish [Re: Still]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
The first 14 years of my life I tried to completely wipe out of my memory. I repressed those memories for 41 years. Now I am dealing and trying to heal from the horrow my "Little Guy" had to endure. He is still crying within me.

I owe him to come to some sort of peace. Yes, this recovery is a bitch. The repressed memories, the nightmares, the stress and anxiety all sucks. But I am listening to most survivors and hoping some day this will all be worth it.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#218731 - 04/17/08 11:47 AM Re: i wish [Re: KENKEN]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I've been thinking about what you said the other night in HC Jarrad, how we all seem to go off topic with you when you ask a question. I think maybe it's that perspective thing kicking in again, we all have memories that were better than the abuse so alot of us can't understand how you see it the way you do, so we try to knock down those memories you have instead of trying to encourage you to build better ones. When those are the best memories of you're life you need to hold onto them.

I understand Jarrad but I also think you deserve better ones as well.

Love ya
stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#218737 - 04/17/08 12:26 PM Re: i wish [Re: mogigo]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I guess for me, it isn't that I disagree or want you to change your thinking, Jarrad, I think for me, your comments often make me reflect on MY perseptions... and I go there. I don't want to negate anyting YOU have to say about yourself. I'm not involved in the HC, so don't know if it is my place to comment here, but just wanted to clarify for myself.

dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#218743 - 04/17/08 12:57 PM Re: i wish [Re: dannym]
Jeff Amsel Offline


Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 17
Loc: NJ
Ken/Dan-your posts brougt tears to my eyes....Ken I am obsessed with my obsessions....AA, SA, OA, now I am trying to find a meeting to help me from going to meetings. The only place that is not tempting me is Joggers Annonymous......ha ha
Dan, this kid inside of me is bringing me up on child abuse charges.....I just cant deal with him. He also wont let me live the 12 step program. I am winning, but the day to day fight is exhausting.....any help would be appreciated.

PBL (peace brotherhood love)
Jeff


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#218763 - 04/17/08 02:10 PM Re: i wish [Re: Still]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
I wish I could go back and break his fuckin neck!!


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#218783 - 04/17/08 05:05 PM Re: i wish [Re: Jarrad]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
"If I could turn back time"
I almost put a link to the cheesy Cher on a battleship video
But figgered it may trigger them that swing that way

I took off my abuse coloured glasses the second time I read this thread

On the most basic level ain't this just nostalgia?
Whether we want to maim or marry?

C

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#218854 - 04/17/08 11:26 PM Re: i wish [Re: ineffable]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
it's not like i havnt had good experiences since then. it was just easier. i was taken care of.


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#218860 - 04/17/08 11:52 PM Re: i wish [Re: Jarrad]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
The question then becomes Jarrad, why do you feel like you need to be taken care of? I've never seen any reason that you can't take care of yourself.

L
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#218863 - 04/18/08 12:37 AM Re: i wish [Re: mogigo]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Jarrad,

I can relate to that feeling of needing to be "taken care of". Dwayne and I were talking about this a couple-three weeks back. The thing is for me, I didn't feel taken care of then and I long for it now. There are times when I want to find someone who will cuddle me, hold me, protect me, cherish me, etc. I suppose it goes back to the fact that neither my mother or my father ever provided me that in a way that my youthful mind understood. They fed me and provided a roof over my head. Most of the time they weren't abusive but they never really communicated to me that I was loved. I still long for that and I think it's the source of my wanting to be "taken care of". Perhaps it's a different reason, but perhaps it's the same longing.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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