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#218633 - 04/16/08 09:41 PM i wish
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i sometimes wish i was 14 or 15 again. life was easier during the abuse. i miss it.


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#218634 - 04/16/08 09:46 PM Re: i wish [Re: Jarrad]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I am right there with ya guy. Sometimes.....


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#218641 - 04/16/08 10:08 PM Re: i wish [Re: Freedom49]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
As painful and difficult as healing is, I have never wished I was living through the abuse again. The effects that the abuse has had on my life and my potential, not to mention the shame and fear, was far worse than the recovery. I hope I never live a day where I miss the abuse.

Dan


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#218649 - 04/16/08 10:59 PM Re: i wish [Re: DanM]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I'm with you Jarrad in that I wish for those days when I was relatively carefree. I am hoping I get more of them in the future. But I can do without the abuse.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#218664 - 04/17/08 12:24 AM Re: i wish [Re: hogan_dawg]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
I sometimes wish that I could go back to before I was raped. Because after I was raped my life has not ever ben the same

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#218668 - 04/17/08 12:32 AM Re: i wish [Re: hogan_dawg]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
I'd never wish to be involved in the abuse again, sinse I lost all sense of time and was there forever, with no ability to look to the passed or the future. But I often wish I could go back to the point just after it finished during my A-levels and the first year of my degree. Yes, i was healing, yes, I was depressed and hurt, but for the first time in years I was looking forward, for the first time I had hope and a future. Because I'd been without friendship for such a long time, even a small gesture of friendship meant a lot to me, and I was certain that very soon I was about to meet the right person and fall in love. A girl in my first year changed that idea for me completely.

and in my second year I convinced myself I was fine and had no problem, and that was when I started to stop hoping.

Now I'm honestly trying to heal myself, hope is just pain, and I wish I could go back those few years.

the other day I found the website of one of my close friends from my first year. she was from cansas, and was spending her year a broard in durham, she'd written up a fortnightly diary of her time, and I realized how special that was to her, ----- she even had a photo of me on the site, ----- that made me cry, a lot!

I sent her an E-mail,---- but she hasn't responded.


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#218675 - 04/17/08 12:54 AM Re: i wish [Re: dark empathy]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
I wish I could go back to before it happened, and then see what alternative trajectory my life would have taken.

Or, I wish I could go back to when I recovered my memories, and right away got myself involved in therapy to deal with what happened, instead of having run from myself and creating all sorts of additional hurt and pain.

Am I allowed to cry yet?? Okay, so I don't get any of this so I have to try and do the best now. But no lie, some days make it seem like there is no answers. But others bring more clarity. Man this stuff sucks, I for one could have done without what happened 100% guaranteed. But since that isn't going to happen, what now??!!


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#218677 - 04/17/08 12:57 AM Re: i wish [Re: ericc]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
What now Eric, I guess I heal as best I can. I move on. I become a better person, man, father, husband, lover. In the process. I reach out and help others. What else can I do.


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#218690 - 04/17/08 08:12 AM Re: i wish [Re: Freedom49]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
I agree with you Roger, we have an obligation to ourselves and that little guy that is still deep within us to move forward and achieve a better life. We have to do everythng we can to try and raise ourselves out of this virtual hell that we have been living in. Even if it seems less painful and sometimes a better life when we were coping and locking all the shame and pain away, we are being eaten up inside, like termites eating away at the foundation of a house. Eventually, the damage from the abuse will cause our lives to collapse under its own weight; that is unless we take the necessary remedial action to reconstruct and strengthen our lives.

I agreee sometimes it would be nice to go back to the pre-abuse time in my life, but I know that is not possible. The reality is that I have to play the hand that I was dealt. I think we all need to continue to move foward and get out from under this dark cloud and bask in the sunlight and glory of life. I know I can't continue to stay in the same place in my life because I am afraid of getting burned....I guess, that is why we have sunscreen...:)


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#218709 - 04/17/08 10:02 AM Re: i wish [Re: DanM]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
You ever listen to what "normals" wish they could go back to....or what they'd re-do?

My Father: really wishes he could go back and try harder in school.
My Sister: really wishes she went to a 4-year art school instead of a 2 year.
My Friend: Wishes he could go back and try harder in competitive athletics.

I can tell you one thing: They don't want to know what I wish.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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