Last night was such a strange night for me... Once again I found that I couldn't sleep because anxiety was overwhelming me about an upcoming visit from my mom, aunt, and younger sister. I was anxious that they would atart asking questions I didn't want to answer. So i found myself on MS and chatting with friends. The topic came up about parents responsibility regarding CSA. This is a tough struggle for me because I had the kind of mom and grandparents who would allow me to run around the neighborhood unsupervised at 5 years old.
I realized that if my dad had not been pushed away then my csa might not have occured. When he came back into my life at 10 yrs old he was so protective and watchful. Nothing got by him. I am so much like him in everyway (personality, talents, same occupation, looks). He was my best friend until he passed away 6 years ago.
With all the feelings that I was having last night I was longing to have just a moment with him by my side again. Dad comforting his favorite son and telling him that dad was there and everything was going to be alright. Just as I was feeling this longing to be held by my dad it happened... My 2.5yr old son DJ, my namesake who looks just like me and has my personality, came down the stairs and was sitting on the bottom step crying.
At that moment I felt a strength that I had not felt all night. I picked him up in my arms and said, "Daddy's here...everything is going to be alright." I could hear my father saying to me, "You're the father now." I now understand the words from superman:
"You will be different, sometimes you'll feel like an outcast, but you'll never be alone. You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son."
So now I have the answer to the question "who is going to protect and nurture the lost little boy inside of me?" The answer is I am. I'm the daddy now.
I want always to be a boy and have fun... (Peter Pan)