Okay so I am beginning to accept my feelings towards same sex attraction and now that I have I feel as though they are becoming less intense. I have identified the need to belong to and sustain clean healthy relationships with other men. I just need to break through these stereotypes and accept me for me. I have to abandon my old thought patterns but this seems hard for me to do. Another thing is I feel afraid of sexual intimacy with women and not that long ago I felt disconnected from women all together. It seems that pornography is a trigger for me and I associate negative feelings with masturbation as well. I look at men and ask myself am I sexually attracted or could I be looking to identify with them. About 2 months ago I would envision 2 men together and it resembled the acts of my abuse. I am put off by male intimacy(kissing and emotional bonding in the context of a relationship) but I still sexualize at times. Feeling as though I cannot relate on any other level. I dont know if this is because of my disassociation with the world of men for such a long time. I was in a 6 year relationship that ended about 8 months ago and have not had any male friends for quite some time. I feel inadequate and alienated in some situations when with men and I want to be able to identify with them without resorting to sexualized feelings.
Thank you for listening my brothers
I am the warrior.