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#217959 - 04/14/08 12:25 AM Not sure why...
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I decided to go and re-read the e-mails and letters from my abuser (my brother) and some of my replies since I confronted him in Jan. '07.

Ugh.

In some ways it was good to see how far I've come, but it still sent chills down my spine and got my blood pressure up. I almost fired off an angry letter to him but instead decided to post.

His letters are really fucked up! I can't believe I bought into it and put up with him. I just want him to suffer like I suffer. I want him to spend a weekend being down, like I spend weekends being down. I want him to wonder about his ability to get by day-to-day like I do. I want him to know the deep pain that he perpetrated on me.

I know he'll likely never know that. I know that my brothers from the WOR know my pain. They are my good brothers. My new brothers.

I know there are people in this world who love me and that I must turn to them for comfort and nurturing - including myself.

Part of that care might be to destroy all the communication from my brother. In holding on to them there's a piece of him on my computer that still has some power over me. It should be easy to just go back and hit delete. It isn't.

There's a part of me that wants to keep them to see how this all played out. Is that the part of me that still yearns to be abused and traumatized? I don't know.

Thanks for being there guys.

Peace.

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#217968 - 04/14/08 01:04 AM Re: Not sure why... [Re: NWcats]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jackson it is not unusual at all to still feel connected and in some perverted way emotionally attached to our abuser. When we engage in sex with someone there is a connection that is made in some mental/spiritual/soulish way that is very difficult to shake. Sometimes it manifests in anger and a constant tormented anger feeling that eats at us. Sometimes it is almost like we are missing a lost love interest. (I know that is hard to believe but you just have to read the posts from some of the guys here). There is a weird sick connection that is even more complicated by the fact that he is a blood relative. There is a pull there and risistance there all at the same time and it is very hard to shake. Just know Jackson that you are heard, you are understood, you are believed, and it is not your fault.

From you big brother in east WA. Safe hugs and lots of love.



Edited by Freedom49 (04/14/08 01:06 AM)

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#218003 - 04/14/08 08:49 AM Re: Not sure why... [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jackson,

You were abused by your brother, and still you tried to open a line of communication to him about this. But then you got bullshit, lies and excuses in reply. If that's how it's supposed to stand between you two, what possibility is there of any relationship with him? If this were me, I would just write him out of my life and spare myself the inevitable new pain and trauma of trying to pretend everything is "okay".

I think the most important part of your post comes when you show that you recognize that "family" isn't always limited to blood relatives. If you cut off ties with your brother, you aren't really losing anything anyway - what kind of brother is he if he won't even take responsibility for his past behavior on such a huge issue as abusing you? And there are plenty of good people out there who can be just as close and important to you as a blood relative would be. I have written off several of my relatives as a toxic waste of time, but at the same time I have brought into my family circle some people who are very important to me: I now have two mothers, for example, two new brothers and a sister, not to mention all the guys I feel very close to here. \:\)

"Family" is a feeling more than a fact of blood, Jackson. I'm glad you are able to see things this way. It's no loss to us, and no blame on us either, if we recognize that toxic blood relatives can poison our lives if we continue to drink from the cup they have on offer.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#218227 - 04/15/08 03:12 AM Re: Not sure why... [Re: roadrunner]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Thanks guys.

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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