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#21812 - 11/20/02 01:54 PM need to write
arghilles Offline
Member

Registered: 07/26/02
Posts: 45
Loc: Stockholm, Sweden
I need to tell and i will do it here since i have come to know a few of you here anyway.
First of all i regret the fact that having posted here last time i never thanked those of you who replied. As strange as it may sound i believe it comes from fear, fear of any commitment, especially to other men, scared of the consequences, but i will do my best to alter that behaviour from now on. This site has come to mean a lot to me. The only place where i can really vent.

Anyway, here is the thing. Today at work ( i work with autistic children ) while we were having a meeting and i was in the spotlight since i am a teacher and the head of one of the classes, i felt that i could be myself for a while. Suddenly i thought that they were all discussing me and my problems, cause i have them too. We were discussing a boy in my class, but everything resembled my problems. I felt like they were there to help me, finally a place where i could start to feel safe. It felt like sinking and i got really cold, i wasn't afraid. I had wanted to tell them then, right there and then how i felt. But i couldn't, could i.

The really odd thing was that after the meeting had ended for my part, the rest were about to discuss other issues which didn't concern the teachers. When i rose from my chair a guy from the staff came up to me and wondered which chair had been mine. I tried to make a joke about the whole thing " you afraid i have been sitting there, uh? and pointed to my chair. He just answered dead seriously: No i want to sit where you have been sitting.
Why?
I can find three answers: 1, he is interested in me as a person only or also homosexually ( hope not )
2, feels better, he respects me as a colleugue and wants to show it this way OR 3, he saw that i was real for a while and saw it in my face what was happening to me there

Once before i really went down and felt like a small kid at work. I felt so small and helpless i just wanted to bite the grass and scream as much as i could, i didn't ,being at work, also then HE came up to me and said: Do you need help?
I said yes i feel alone and weak and i can't do this now ( i was trying to get a kid inside the classroom again, he had been really obstinate the whole afternoon), i was referring to my feelings as to my mental state, no the kid even though i took advantage of the situation,- was he too?
He said: But Erik, you are not alone, together we are stronger. I will never forget those words. They hit my soul, right into my fragile soul.

Does he see me for who i am, does he understand what i am going through? Perhaps he does???
He often refers to his childhood. Today when i saw him i avoided him, playfully in his classroom. He then said: Are you afraid of me?
I said: yes !, cause i am.I tried to make a joke about it, but he took it seriously.
Does he understand these things?

Ok, sorry that is it. I needed to talk about this.

Take care everybody,

Erik from Sweden

_________________________
Erik

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#21813 - 11/20/02 03:14 PM Re: need to write
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Hi Erik,

It's good to hear from you again. And I mean that very truly. I want to be sure you know this. I'm not sure I can expalin why. Your posts seem very brave, very strong, and very true. Just from your words, I feel like here is an authentic man. I would like to know him better. I think we would be friends.

I'm not sure if I ever replied to you before, but if I did, you don't need to thank me. I should thank you for sharing.

This post makes a lot of sense to me. I really identify with what you said.

I have been in conversations where I felt that suddenly, the converstaion was all about me.

One of my very closest friends is a teacher with autistic and developmentally disabled children. Sometimes she will be talking about a child and it describes me in some ways.

Or I could be just sitting at lunch with friends and colleagues, and a topic comes up which is all about me.

Usually, I get very scared and nervous. I get flushed and start to sweat, and get away as soon as I can.

But you didn't do that. Instead, you weren't afraid. You wanted to tell them right there, but you knew it wasn't the right time or place.

I think you did a great job handling this situation, even if you did get those sinking and cold feelings. You really did OK.

And that brings me to the man you talked about. I think that he must be a very sensitive and compassionate person. There may be a sexual attraction, but if that is not for you, than you will make that clear.

I don't think you should fear him because I think he does understand you in some ways. Maybe that is a little uncomfortable, but that could make him a very good friend.

He saw you having a hard time with getting the child inside, and he offered to help you. So he is perceptive, kind and generous. That's the kind of person we need more of.

And he said those very important words to you:
Quote:
But Erik, you are not alone, together we are stronger.
He could have just said, I'll get the child, but he said so much more, and it was very important to you.

And he wanted to sit where you were. I think this is a sign of respect. Maybe he did realize that you were real for a moment when you were speaking and this was his way of showing you and supporting you.

And then he asked you if you were afraid of him. And you told him the truth, Yes!

You are an amazing person, Erik. I don't think I would have said the truth. But you did.

Like a lot of us here, I think you also have trouble believing that someone, anyone, could like you. And if they do, you wonder what they want from you.

But also, like a lot of us, you don't recognize your own goodness and what makes you someone who is very likeable.

I don't think he knows your story, but I think he does recognize that there is something you are dealing with. He shows that he is a very decent person, and that you are a good, special person.

I can see that you are from what you say and how you say it. He can see it in person.

I think he could be a very good friend. Maybe he is interested in you romantically, but that can be sorted out and doesn't have to be a problem.

Take it slow. You don't have to do or say anything you don't want to. See if you can trust him about little things, and maybe you will find a great friend. I know he will.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#21814 - 11/20/02 05:36 PM Re: need to write
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Hi Eric, glad you replied. It is ok to be who we are at any given time. I really enjoyed being on the chat the other night. Hope things over in your part of the world are ok.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#21815 - 11/20/02 08:14 PM Re: need to write
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:



I don't think you should fear him because I think he does understand you in some ways. Maybe that is a little uncomfortable, but that could make him a very good friend.

Wow do those words really hit home for me! On the one hand I've very much want intimacy, including close supportive friends. But on the other hand, when it looks like I might be finding someone who could be that kind of friend, someone who seems to understand me, I've tended to back off or somehow sabotage it. Why? Becuz they do seem to understand, and it does scare me. If they understand me, how long will they like me? Or will they understand enuf to be able to hurt me?

That's been my pattern and it's one I've been working on changing. But chronic pain, moving, etc, have kinda complicated that for now; tho I've just moved & I am working on it.

However I do need to remember to know myself. Thanks Donald for reminding me--even if you didn't know you were doing so! \:\)

Erik, I have nothing much to add to Donald's good advice & "good to hear from you again." Just post or respond when & as you're able, and we'll be glad to hear from you. Take care.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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