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#218088 - 04/14/08 04:35 PM My Life Sucks
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Well this morning my GF moved out and here I am alone again. Alone to try and figure out what I did wrong, what I did to deserve this. My stomach has this giant hole in it the size of the grand canyon. I am at a total loss at this moment of my life. What did I do to derserve this? What did I do so wrong that she wouldn't stay around and try to help me get better. Why did she bail on me? Am I ever going to get my life in some sort of order? Will I ever again have a meaningful relationship? Why do I always find a way to screw up a good thing? I am so pissed at myself and so angry at the world right now. The only person in my life 6 months ago that I thought understood what I was going throuogh. Now she too bailed on me.

I thought I was doing so well too. With my individual and group therapy, with my journaling, with my book reading and internet help, with all my friends here on Male survivor, with my WoR a few weeks ago. I thought I had made so much head way into my healing journey. I felt so good about myself. I felt like just maybe soon I could confront my brother and hopefully get some answers why he used me as his sex object. Why did he rape me? Why was that all I was good for. How could my brother be so dam mean to me? Is that all my life is good for? Why do I have no value. Why am I so worthless? Why, why does no one understand?

How is it that CSA can haunt me the rest of my life? Will I ever feel like a worthwhile person again.. I just don't think so. Seems the harder I try to understand, the farther away I feel I am going. I am at a loss of understanding at this moment in time. My "little guy" inside of me is crying and crying and I don't know what to say to him or what to do for him to comfort him. What can I do to tell him how much I love him? He is all I have right now and I don't have a clue how to keep him from hating me also.

This life I am living is so damm unfair. I didn't deserve this life, why is it that I have to always be strong and figure life out? Seems even my spiritual side of life is leaving me. I pray so hard to do what God wants me to do. I ask for his help and seems all I get is more pain and suffering to endure. How much more of this so called life of mine can I take?

/Seems this puzzle of mine, this life that I thought the pieces were beginning to take some sort of shape, this puzzle that I was beginning to see myself in is all but shattered again. I don't know if I have the strength to pick up the puzzle pieces and start over again/

Really sorry for feeling so down and out. Guess there are many more survivors out there that are far worse off than me. I feel for all of you guys too! Thanks for listening to my rambling.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#218090 - 04/14/08 05:17 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: KENKEN]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Ken,

Although I may not know you "well" - I think I know you well enough to answer some of your questions:

"Alone to try and figure out what I did wrong, what I did to deserve this."
***NOTHING. You did nothing to deserve the abuse. You did nothing to deserve her leaving. You have done nothing to deserve any of the pain you are experiencing right now.

"I thought I was doing so well too. With my individual and group therapy, with my journaling, with my book reading and internet help, with all my friends here on Male survivor, with my WoR a few weeks ago. I thought I had made so much head way into my healing journey."
*** You HAVE done well. You HAVE made head way into your healing journey. Yes, this is a setback. A MAJOR hurt. But it does NOT erase the good that you have accomplished. I know it feels like it - but it really hasn't. You DID do well, and you ARE STILL doing well. Venting and rambling is not a sign of losing - it's a sign that you refuse to give up. A GOOD sign.

"How much more of this so called life of mine can I take?"
*** That sounds like one of my questions. I don't have a good answer for myself, so I probably don't have a good one for you... All I can say is you survived the abuse - you can manage healing.

"My "little guy" inside of me is crying and crying and I don't know what to say to him or what to do for him to comfort him. What can I do to tell him how much I love him? He is all I have right now and I don't have a clue how to keep him from hating me also."
*** I don't think your "little guy" hates you. Hates your present circumstances, yeah - he probably does. Mine sure hates my circumstances right now. For me - I sit in my favorite chair with a special teddy bear in my arms and I rock. I don't try to analyze anything - or "fix" anything - or plan anything - I just rock and try to be present with my own "little guy". That's all I can recommend - find a way to be present with him. It's ok to suffer with him. To cry with him. Just BE with him. It's what he needs the most.

"Will I ever feel like a worthwhile person again"
***I don't know. I know to me you already ARE a worthwhile person. But I understand not feeling like one. Lean on anyone you can right now - and hang on to your "little guy". You're healing - and healing hurts. Especially from such a life-shattering wound.

I've seen your determination, Ken. Remember to breathe. Remember to be present with your inner child. And remember - there are a LOT of us out here who care for you and know you to be a worthwhile person.

Mark


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#218094 - 04/14/08 05:28 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: MarkK]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Thanks Mark,

All I am able to do today is cry and cry some more. I feel so dam miserable. I really appreciate your kind words. I just am lost today and my gut is on fire. I just can't stop the hurt.
Sorry, but this is all I can say right now.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#218095 - 04/14/08 05:39 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: KENKEN]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
A 2+ year relationship ended officially today. You have every reason to "cry and cry some more". Grief is like that. Take time to do it. Don't try to cut it short. Men can grieve because men can hurt. I believe you can't stop it. It's been my experience that you don't stop hurt. You grieve it. Suffer through it. Then pull yourself up (yes, again) and take another step forward.

You don't have to say anything else. My heart aches for yours. You are not alone, dear friend. Remember the words of your own signature here on MS: You ARE a good person. You ARE a good man.

Of that there is no doubt in my mind.

Mark


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#218096 - 04/14/08 05:51 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: MarkK]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Ken, I am so sorry this happened to you. Of course you are sad - of course there a huge empty place inside - of course you are crying - Little Ken and big Ken both derserve to cry hard.

But you did nothing wrong.. you ARE healing... you ARE doing so much better. I met you at the beginning, when disclosure was new and scary. You have come so very, very far. The last time i saw you, you had found a kinship at the WoR - where you were understood.

Your girlfriend ended the relationship based on what she was able to handle, I think. She couldn't see, as we can, that recovery can be scary.. that emotions are wonderful and needed and hiding ourselves only makes us weaker... she was not able to handle that... SHE wasn't - you did nothing wrong.

Mark is right, you need to grieve this loss for as long as it takes - it is a huge void right now... you have my love and my good thoughts going toward you full force.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#218098 - 04/14/08 05:54 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: KENKEN]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Ken,

You are grieving, similar to what Mark says, just be with that and know that its where you need to be right now. I have been around here long enough to have seen you talking very highly of that relationship and now you are dealing with the fallout of that relationship reaching its final chapter.

My therapist continually tells me wise words that "What we resist persists."

Just allow yourself to grieve this and to cry and just know that is OK Ken.

Also to reinforce what Mark said, you've got a community full of guys who are here for you if needs be. We will listen to you, understand you, validate your thoughts and feelings, laugh with you and cry with you. You're not alone.

Also now would be a good time to employ some of the numbers on your phone list from the WoR you attended. I know it seems weird to call someone but I guarantee that person you reach out to would be glad to hear from you no matter what state you're in.

Come back to us when you can Ken.
Be well, be safe. Get yourself some ice cream and a good movie or two when you feel up to it. Take a "feeling sorry for myself" day because damnit, you've earned one. You've earned 10 if you feel like that and ya know there's no shame in feeling that way from time to time... Turns out, it's okay!

All the best Ken,
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#218099 - 04/14/08 06:02 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: MarkK]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Ken, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I know it really hurts to have this all happened when it seems like you are getting a handle on you recovery. I agree with mark you are a good man and a good person. I know it looks bad right now but sometimes these things turn in the a good thing. Hang in there and try to get through this and keep doing what your doing on your healing and you will come out ahead. I know it. You are a good man.


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#218109 - 04/14/08 06:45 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: Freedom49]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Sorry Ken,
I know it sucks...I just went thru it myself 2 months ago.
Me and my fiance split. Let yourself mourn, cry all you need to. Don't hold back the process. You have to go thru it, not around it and I PROMISE you, you will come out on the other side happy and well.

Peace,

M


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#218114 - 04/14/08 07:06 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: KENKEN]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I'm with you bro. I have been thinking the same things for some time now. I can relate to your post on so many levels it hurts, I feel your pain. I ask myself the same questions. My girl broke it off a few months ago after disclosure, then my ex called me a selfish for bringing her into my life when I was filled with so much pain and that it was my fault. Bunch of crap I say!!!! I had to cut off all contact because of the mental abuse I was receiving. Hence I am alone again 44yo living with my mother. Like you I question myself all the time "what did I do wrong?" "Do I deserve this treatment?" Am I destine to live the life of a hobbit in my little dysfunctional world? But I know I am getting better just as you are. It's not your fault that others can not handle the truth. There is no fault for trying to get better and deal with your abuse. Its sad when people don't respond as we hope they would. But it happens, your not alone, I for one am going through similar circumstances and situations but I'm not quiting. Like you I refuse to give up. You are doing well and will get through this a better stronger person. I wish I could offer something more to ease your pain but all I have is words and experience. Just know I'm right there with you, your not alone in this situation.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#218121 - 04/14/08 07:26 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: MarkK]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
KenKen, I wish I could take all this pain away from you. You DON'T deserve it and don't deserve to feel like you do. I also suffered from feelings of worthlessness until about a year ago when an incident with a little boy and a vicious dog made me realize that no one who cares about other people enough to help when help is needed can possibly live in this world and still be worthless.

If you care about other people, then everywhere you go, people are a little safer and have a potential friend in a time of need. Is that worthless? Sometimes just a kind gesture can make a huge difference in someone's life. Just today I was feeling like sh*t..had a terrible toothache, and had just found out that the bus I needed to catch to get the rest of the way to my Dr. appointment would not come in time to allow me to make my appointment.

With all that's been going wrong in my life lately and the toothache, I was on the verge of tears and was trying to pull my sweater and coat the rest of the way over my shoulder of my right arm which is in a splint from a fractured elbow. A lady helped me with it and I thanked her, but couldn't have thanked her enough! Just that little thing made me feel so much better! The world no longer seemed like such a cold uncaring place and it made a much bigger difference than she would probably ever suspect.

Sad to say that lady may be walking around feeling worthless right now because she has no idea how much of a difference that small gesture made in someone's life. I wish I could somehow make her know, but I can't so maybe I can help you see how valuable you are....just by being you.
You don't have to be a saint or a great philanthropist to change the world. Just be you and the whole world is a better place by your being here!

I hope that helps a little..and if it does, then that's one more thing that came from that lady's kind act which changes the world for the better..and who knows how far the chain reaction dynamic may reach!

One thing I love about the internet is that without even leaving my house I can interact with someone such as you who is having a hard time and can express my sympathy and caring and even if it only makes the slightest difference, who can say how far that difference might go?

Hang in there KenKen. Cry as much as you need to, but don't feel worthless. You aren't. Hugs and more hugs to you. Hope you feel better soon.





Edited by blueshift (04/15/08 01:50 AM)
_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#218173 - 04/14/08 11:05 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: blueshift]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
SO DOES MINE

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#218216 - 04/15/08 01:47 AM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: OKIE MIKE]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Mine too OKIE. That's only half the picture though, no matter how much it seems like the whole one. BTW, that cryptic avatar arouses my curiosity. Care to explain it? Just curious.

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#218218 - 04/15/08 02:11 AM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: blueshift]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hey Friend,

Wish I could be closer for you. Sorry for all this shit your going through. I can relate with your analagy of thinking you were getting the pieces of your life put together and along comes some one or something and blasts them apart. Happened to me alot tho each time, the new picture was better.

Could be that your time with the woman was up and that God has someone better in mind. One never knows. You certainly have every right to feel what you do but go easy on yourself.

In the early stages of my therapy, I felt like I was running down a narrow corridor as fast as I could. The corridor was dark, cold and scary. Every once in a while someone would open a steel door and I wouldn't see it until I hit it full force.

I would find myself lying on the floor, bloody and in pain, only to have to get up and do it all over again. It was hard to keep getting up. But my friend, it is worth it. So are you. Don't let the past keep you bound.

One other thought, I have been studying alot about the Law of Attraction. One of the key concepts is you attract to you what your thinking and feeling about. The thought is to not think about what you don't want. Cause if you do, you attract that to you.

If you want something different, then you need to think about and feel what you would like to have in your life. Staying focused on what you want vs what you don't want gives God and the Universe the opening to send some new, good things your way.

Hang in there and I would give you a big hug if I could.

Ron


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#219080 - 04/19/08 12:00 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: KENKEN]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Lou,

I have removed your post from this thread because, as you know, this forum is for posts by male survivors only. Thanks for respecting this boundary, which is an important one on this site.

Larry, aka roadrunner
For the ModTeam




Edited by ModTeam (04/19/08 12:43 PM)

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#219326 - 04/20/08 04:20 PM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: Lou]
Roofus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah
Dear Ken,

One of the best things about this site Ken is the fact that you have so many to lean on, and so many of us have shared similar experiences. Im pleased to see that so many are reaching out to you Ken.

Im certain you remember the many experiences from the WoR a few weeks back. Perhaps some of the skills we learned there will come in handy during these rough times.

I've been sitting here 20 minutes trying to put my thoughts together, and tell you what I want to say... my heart truly goes out to you while you are in a scary place. Any way... here goes my attempt to help you out a little.

I have two families. My biological family, and my in-laws. Yes... I was married once (and yes... I am gay). I got married in 1996 to a beautiful woman with long beautiful auburn hair. She was extremely talented, and had played professional fiddle with many of the country music icons we knew then and still today. She was the oldest of 3 children. Her parents were/are wonderful kind-hearted people, and I fell in love with her family deeply, and grew much closer to them than my own family.

In 1998, I realized that getting married was the wrong thing for me to do. I am a gay man, and although I truly loved this woman and her family I knew in my heart I had made a mistake. I had come to the decision to tell her, and ask for a divorce before we complicated things even more with children. I cried all the way home knowing what I was going to tell her. She wasn't there when I got home... I waited, and waited... then I got the phone call. She had been hit by a drunk driver and had been life-flighted to a near by hospital. When I got there, the severity was obvious, but I was also informed she was 4months pregnant, and had lost the baby. 24 hours later she died.

Although I was personally a mess, I remember the strength her parents attempted to display. Outwardly, they seemed strong. But the night after her death I remember going with them to their home, they quietly slipped into their bedroom, and the utter sadness that echoed from them that night was not only heard, but felt.

Two years after the death of my wife, their only son committed suicide on the anniversary of her death. Since she had died he fell into a deep depression and got deeply into drugs, he just couldn't handle it any longer. They were now left with one daughter.

Their one daughter eventually married, and had two little boys. About 2 months ago, she suffered an extremely unexpected event, became anoxic, and suffered extreme brain damage. After 7 days in the hospital, she died leaving her husband with her 3 & 5 year old sons.

I share this story with you, not to try and illustrate how bad some people have it (My in-laws certainly have had their fair share of sadness and heartache), but I share this with you because I have come to compare life to our earth, specifically the 4 seasons; winter, spring, summer and fall. It seems that some people cycle through the seasons without suffering many scratches... or perhaps they go through a mild winter without being too cold, or loosing a limb from frost bite. Some seem to really luck out and live their lives in a permanent spring time, where everything is beautiful, alive, and growing. Some go from one season to another, without truly experiencing the season. Others... perhaps like you, and perhaps like my in-laws experience the seasons with harshness, and perhaps the winter is long and dark, the summers scorching hot, and spring and fall seem to short, and perhaps don't exist.

I have watched my in-laws over the years. What I have seen from them is that they seem to go through long dark winters... they've had more than their fair share. Sometimes they seem to miss the spring all together. But when all is said and done, they eventually see the leaves budding on the trees, the crocus flowering through the snow. And after each long winter, I see them bloom eventually and each time they are more beautiful than the last spring.

I don't know... perhaps none of what I said makes any sense. That's not uncommon LOL. But it's my belief, Ken, that 'when' you get through this you are going to be a much more beautiful spring flower than ever before. I'm going to call you a Wisteria, if they are left un touched and live an easy life... they seldom bloom. The wisteria that are beaten up, cut back, and some-what mis-handled bloom more and more vibrant. That's what you will be! You'll be more vibrant.

Good luck to you. Peace
allen



Edited by Roofus (04/20/08 04:41 PM)

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#219417 - 04/21/08 12:43 AM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: Roofus]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Blue Shift . Look at the Beatle's album "Abby Road"

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#219425 - 04/21/08 03:32 AM Re: My Life Sucks [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Roofus,
Your post is a splash of cold water on my face right now...Wow!

I pray for your ex in laws and wife.
I'm so sorry there's so much pain and loss in this world.
I thought about what I'm going thru now is some of the hardest times of my life....and I'm 49 years old!
Briefly, my fiance dumped me and threw me out. I moved in with my 25 yr old son who got drunk a few times and almost clocked me!. I moved out of state for a job and in with my older daughter temporarily and she's burnt out and stressed and wants me out ASAP! AND I JUST BROKE MY SILENCE ABOUT CSA!
I DON'T GET IT ANYMORE!!!
But it's not as bad as your ex's lives.
I feel sorry for them.
My life is spring time compared.
Thanks for sharing,
Peace
M


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