We used to go to church every Sunday as a family. I hated it. Before I was even 4 years old, I had to sit in the pew for an hour while a very sweaty guy talked loudly about things I couldn't comprehend. But, after church was over I would get to play with my Dad. This was my favorite part. I spent time with him doing normal and fun things like playing catch or running around the yard. These are good memories.

My Dad died. I remember that day so vividly even though I was only turning four years old. We had cake and ice cream, a table filled with presents, and lots of young children full of laughter and energy. All I could think about was, "Where is my Dad?"... "Where is my hero?" And I sat on the couch for what felt like hours just staring out the window and hoping he would come back home.

Mom told me Dad was in heaven. I guess she had to explain it in such a way that a young child would understand. But, I never accepted that he was really dead and I never felt like this magical land in the sky was real. If he is really dead then wouldn't God let him say goodbye to me as a ghost or something?

About a year after he died, mom found a new guy. He started grooming me and then sexually abusing me. This was icing on the cake! It wasn't enough for me to lose my loving father, but then I was punished with sex soon afterwards. I felt like such a bad kid. I must have done something really wrong to deserve this. What's worse is that I lost my mother during this period also. I refuse to believe she was unaware of what was going on and I know she felt really guilty about it. So she distanced herself from me. She forgot about my needs. She let this man do whatever he wanted for a couple years.

I miss my Dad a lot. I really do even though I have a hard time admitting that. It is easier to talk about these things on the computer. What I really wish is that I could talk to him again or have some sort of sign from him to know that he is proud of me and that he loves me. If there is a God, why wouldn't he let me have that?

Chris,
I see no reason why God would not let you have that. Have you really asked HIM for that gift? Why don't you do that now? Go someplace real quiet. Clear you mind and ask God to let him give you some sign that your dad sees you, still loves you, and is proud of you for how you have held up under all the adversity that you have experienced. Make it real specific. Tell Him exactly what you would like to happen so you will know when it happens that it was what you asked for. Your dad loves you even now Chris. So does God. Just talk to God and talk to your dad. Even write him a letter if you want. Then relax go about your day and see what happens. I will agree with you in this prayer, OK?

Hi Chris,

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

I think your dad is around you all the time. Every time you think of him, I bet he hears it and loves you unconditionally. I feel in heaven, it's impossible to not feel love.

You'll see him again, I believe. Just might be a little while. But he's patiently waiting for you and watching you grow up with pride.

The people in our lives make us who we are. Your father is part of you and always will be. If you can feel some pride in yourself, know that your father is/would be proud of you, too.

Christopher,

Life is so unfair to some of us. I wish I could fix it for you. I wish I could fix all the hurts around here. My heart just aches for you right now.

As a Dad of two little ones, I know what I'd like to say to them should I ever meet the same fate. If you wish, I'd be willing to share that here. Maybe some of the other Dads would as well.

You can share anything you want to, Robbie. It might help.

Chris,

This may sound terribly mystical and unreal, but I genuinely believe that a Dad's love for his son never dies. I still feel the love of my grandfather, even though he died 43 years ago. My own Dad is 82 and we are very close, especially now that I have disclosed to him and told about what the abuser did. But I know one day he will be gone. But I also know - somehow - that he will still be with me.

I would also like to think that when I am gone my own love for my son will also still be with him. I hope he still looks up to me and looks back on things we talked about.

I think it's the same with your father. He is still with you in so many ways. That's already clear from your post. In your words I see the feelings of a son who knows his Dad loved him. That truth is something you will always have.

Much love,
Larry

I'll say a prayer your Dad touches your heart soon, Chris

Peace brother

Christopher,

I did post a letter to my son, just now. I hope none of it disturbs you, offends you or anything else negative. My only hope is that you see what a loving father would say to the son he leaves behind. I wish I could do more for you...maybe this will help.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=218142&page=0#Post218142

Chris,

I could not imagine a father who would not be proud of a son as loving as you. red He would spend time with you because that's where he wanted to be. I'm sure he would now if he could.

Keith