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#21786 - 05/14/06 08:57 PM why is everything happening to me?
klibs Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/09/06
Posts: 13
John asked me in the chatroom last night if I always want to chat everytime I come into a chatroom and my answer was: yes. I thought to myself that of course I want to talk! Even though sometimes it's really difficult to talk about things it's really all I have.

Everything in my life is falling apart right now. I've been breaking down and crying all day today - I didn't get any sleep last night. Everyone has been looking at me like they feel sorry for me. Poor child, he has no mother...I find myself wondering why all of these things are happening to me now?

My neighbor has been in jail for a couple weeks now and it almost seems like a mistake. Nothing has gotten better since I told. He doesn't come over to hurt me but I get scared at the smallest noise. I can't sleep because of it. I try everything. It's hard to stay in the same bed and same bedroom that everythign happened. He lived across the street and I'm even afraid to go outside. I wanted so desperately to move away this summer, to go live with my aunt. My aunt said no, that I can't live with her this summer. She was my biggest hope. Hope for a safe place, even if for a little while.

School has probably been my biggest stress this year. I've blown up so many times at teachers, don't remember some of them. Gotten into trouble. Haven't been expelled yet and I guess that's the best thing. I've really tried though. Even through everything happening I wanted good grades this year. I couldn't even acomplish that. I made such lousy grades. Not as bad as last year but that's because I've been actually trying. I still failed more than half my classes. I'm worthless.

I need so much help right now. I don't feel safe anywhere and I'm living on too little sleep. I can live like this all summer. It's so hard to do this. I want to know how people get sleep who have had trouble with it before. I think that if I could get sleep at least I would be able to function through the day. Sometimes it feels like taking one to many sleeping pills would solve everything. The truth is that I hate sleeping even when I do get it. I can't stand the nightmares. If anything is worse than the abuse itself it's being haunted by it everyday. I just can't live like this... I'm sorry this is so long. I'll stop now.


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#21787 - 05/14/06 09:14 PM Re: why is everything happening to me?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
klibs ,everything may be falling apart but your not ,we have talked in chat and your strength shows in your words,my doc gave me sleeping pills called soma ,they let me sleep without the noghtmares ,i know you can only go so long without sleep before it takes its toll on your body and mind.i dont think it gets any eaiser to heal after you tell but it will get eaiser to live ,dude he is gone you have nothing to be afraid of now at least not from him . keep going to chat and keep talking it does help . shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#21788 - 05/14/06 09:28 PM Re: why is everything happening to me?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
klibs,

I remember you talking about telling your Dad, and he helped you to talk to the police right? I know your Mom is gone now, but that means it's mainly you and your Dad now. Rely on him and talk to him as much as you can. You may not feel he is getting everything you are saying, but a lot of that will be because many adults who are not survivors don't understand what this is like. Keep talking to him.

Can you get your Dad to take you to school and talk to a counselor? Most of your trouble at school should decrease once the school has some idea what the problem is. That doesn't mean your abuse history will be told everywhere; it will be kept quiet and teachers will just be told that you need a break sometimes.

I know exactly what you mean when you say this:

Quote:
I need so much help right now. I don't feel safe anywhere and I'm living on too little sleep. I can live like this all summer. It's so hard to do this.
I know it's hard bro. But what this means is you can't do all this alone. It's just too much. You really do have to talk to safe adults in your local area and get some assistance.

I would be happy to talk to you anytime, but I can see you are already speaking to other guys here. I think all of us will tell you the same thing. You aren't alone, you aren't to blame, and you CAN do this.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#21789 - 05/14/06 10:26 PM Re: why is everything happening to me?
Bill_h_pike Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/05
Posts: 67
Loc: USA
After I turned in my abuser I began to feel really down after the police told me my perp had shared the child porn he made of me. I'm still haunted by the thought of what people are doing with those pictures. At the time I wished I hadn't said anything because I felt better not knowing about those pictures.

School can be made better with a few phone calls. I almost got kicked out of the magnet program within my high school because of my poor grades. All my teacher thought my "mandatory legal appearances" were because I was a juvenile delinquent and were less then willing to let me make up missed work. My parents asked the social worker assigned to my case to call the school and it cleared up a lot of things.

I cry a lot as well. I don't like crying in front of my parents because I can see the hurt it causes them. I once started crying in school because my teacher asked me if anything was wrong. It seems that whenever I want someone to comfort me no one is around and whenever I want to cry alone people are always trying to comfort me.

I know the future must look uncertain to you. I'm scared to death that someone will find out that I'm "that kid." I fear the prospect of telling ever graphic detail of my story in court.

Your situation has gotten better already. Your perp is in jail. Child molesters are treated very poorly by other inmates. Imagine how he must feel right now.

Please, take care of yourself. You and your dad need each other now more then ever.

If there is anything you wish to talk about feel free to PM me.


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#21790 - 05/15/06 12:34 AM Re: why is everything happening to me?
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
We are all "That kid." The thing to keep in mind is that there are loving, caring people out there who want to help you. As the other guys have said, talk to people who you trust. Eventually, other caring people will come along and help.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#21791 - 05/15/06 01:30 AM Re: why is everything happening to me?
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Klibs,

I just want to send you a safe cyber hug (((((Klibs))))) and tell you that you are one very brave person in my opinion.

I would agree with what's been said above. Talk to your dad about having the social services people contact the school and explain the problems you're facing to those that need to know there. The school administaration has very specific rules on how this kind of information should be handled, and can pass word on to teachers, etc. that you have really hard stuff going on right now, without giving out specific details. I think you'd be surprised at the difference it can make for you, knowing that you will be understood, and that you're not just another off the wall trouble maker. That won't mean you won't have to try, but I think it will help.

Thanks for having the courage to post.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#21792 - 05/15/06 08:54 PM Re: why is everything happening to me?
Bill_h_pike Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/05
Posts: 67
Loc: USA
I just wanted to add something here that might help you cope. Experts estimate that one in six boys are sexually abused sometime in their youth. You are not alone. There are a lot of other boys in your position who suffered without saying anything for years. I didn't say a word for four years. Stuff is beginning to look a little less bleak now. I know that one day you will be glad that you stopped this monster.


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#21793 - 05/16/06 01:18 PM Re: why is everything happening to me?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Klibs,

Bill makes an important point. Look around you at school and you will see a lot of other guys who have endured abuse as well. They are just not saying anything. Teens like you and Bill and Kurt are the ones who are out there doing what it will take to recover and get your lives back on track.

That takes a lot of courage and guts, especially at a young age, and you guys should be very proud of yourselves. You aren't alone in abuse, but you sure are special for the way you are dealing with it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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