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#217915 - 04/13/08 09:59 PM when I was last here, how could I have known?
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
i had a rather strange experience today. Growing up in the 80's and 90's, computer games were a big part of my life, ---- they stil are a part, though perhaps not as large. There was one game series in particular, turrican on the amigar. when I first saw the game at age eight I was absolutely stunned, ---- in fact I'd say the game's soundtrack started my love affair with weerd miner cords and my interest both in music and in exploration.

several years ago, I downloaded the soundtracks, and have played various internet remakes of the game, but today, thanks to some tech assistance with amigar emulation from a kind chap in Germany, was the very first time I'd ever played the original versions of those games in 14 years.

On a really poinient level, because the games were stolen by my then best friend when i was eleven just before the abuse began, when things were relatively okay, it's almost literally as if my abuse has gone in betwene (and obviously it's fairly ironic that now as I'm looking at sorting things out, I get the games working again).

For people not involved with computer games, it's quite literally like visiting places I went to just before my abuse began, ---- I even remember the names for game locations my best friend and I thought of as I came to them, ---- the lightning canyon, the diamond mine etc.

I know I should be seeing this as a symbol of hope, but my overwhelming thought at the moment is did I know?

there must have been a moment, a last time I played the games before, a last death, or completion, when i turned off the amigar at age eleven, fully expecting to play the game again in a few days, looking forward to the new school I was just starting and the interesting books and things I was reading, thinking about black holes, and Dune, and how much I liked John Bunyan's pilgrim's progress, wanting to go to uni and studdy theology, expecting to have a secondary school like my brother's which by all accounts sounded great, ---- expecting to stay friends with my best friend until we were old geezers with beerds like santa clause.

My mum and dad had told me all the "growing up" stuff a year earlier, and having fallen in love I was actually interested to know what it might feel like, ---- I didn't really understand much of it, but I loved the idea of finding someone like the girl I'd fallen for and dam well learning!

how could I have known what was about to happen? I had no idea? For all my interest, and the high IQ that people told me I had, though I never felt particularly clever even then thanks to my boarding school, I couldn't have imagined how things would've changed in only a few short months, and that only two years later I'd be struggling to remember what time it was and very coldly and seriously considder killing myself.

How could I have known? And how could all that change?

I didn't even notice it begining, it was just a couple of insults yelled in a crowd as I went down a corridor, a boy knicking my shoes while getting changed for P-E, a couple of girls putting their hands on my shoulders and leaning close for no reason i could really think about, ---- nothing to do with the "Growing up" stuff I was sure, sinse that only happened with people who loved each other.

I'm not upset about this, I just find the me who last played turrican at age eleven so foreign from the me who played turrican This afternoon, even though I can precisely remember the way i felt at the timee, it just seems so astonishing to me!

I'm really sorry this is a bit of a ramble, I'm trying to work it out myself.


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#217920 - 04/13/08 10:15 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: dark empathy]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
What a bit of heavy time-travel! I can only imagine the feelings you are having here with a 14 year lag. Its almost as if you dropped a time-marker back then...maybe a time capsule. I've found some of those just recently. I've got to tell you, I dont like them much. Way too painful for me.

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#217943 - 04/13/08 11:21 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: Still]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Hmmm, perhaps a time capsule, though at the same time Turrican was very important to me back then, ---- for my tenth birthday my mum got my brother to pause the game so that she could create turrican icing for my cake.

it's not a complete shock, as I said, I've been playing the remakes, ---- which in a way fulfilled some of my childhood dreams, as in many ways they improve upon the originals and add a lot of extra environments to explore, ---- occasionally playing a new remake I'll see something that appears familiar sinse I dreamed it (often in both senses of the word), at the age of nine or ten.

It was just revisiting the original games and locations that had this strange consequence.

the really weerd thing is, when I recently saw some of the star trek episodes which I last saw during my abuse, because of my dislocated sense of time while the abuse happened, they didn't affect me like this. I knew I watched them before, and could roughly work out that it was when I was a teenager, sinse that's when the new episodes were being shown, ---- but seeing them again I have no sense of myself as I was watching them the first time around, ---- sinse at that point I lived so much in the present, while I was watching startrek I was just! watching startrek, and not considdering the abuse or even being afraid at that point. I sometimes wonder if the reason I don't feel like an adult, ---- certainly not a man, is that I quite literally never grew through adolescence.


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#218046 - 04/14/08 12:52 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

I am WAY too old to have been fascinated with games like that as a boy. Heck, even now I hardly know how to turn on my son's PS2 lol.

But your feelings about that fateful moment really moved me. I have such vivid memories of how it all began and how my innocence was lost in a second, and without me even realizing that something terrible was beginning.

What really hit me from your post was this:

Quote:
I couldn't have imagined how things would've changed in only a few short months, and that only two years later I'd be struggling to remember what time it was and very coldly and seriously considder killing myself.


Man, isn't that the truth. A year after the abuse began I was at the tracks, thinking that if I can get myself to step out in front of the train I will at least have those last ten seconds of peace, knowing it's now going to end.

Rough stuff, regardless of where you go with these memories. I'm glad you can talk about them.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
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#218050 - 04/14/08 01:38 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks Larry. sometimes, it almost feels as if I was frozen in time from around that moment at age eleven, until the day i walked through the school gates just before I turned 16. In fact I've just come back from a session with my t, where we were considdering that I need to go back to that time when i was eleven, and try and grow up properly as a teenager again, and have the experiences of affection and exploration with girls now which i should've learned about while growing up. I'm STIL VERY afraid though, even if it's just a hug from a female friend, THOUGH AT THE SAME TIME, i'VE SEEN MY FRIENDS AND THEIR RESPECTIVE PARTNERS SHOW A VERY CASUAL, MUTUAL RESPECT AND AFFECTION FOR EACH OTHER, ---- OFTEN PHYSICALLY WITH A KISS, AND THIS IS SOMETHING i REALLY WANT TO EXPERIENCE MYSELF, SINSE IT SEEMS SO MUCH LIKE A FULLER, MORE COMPLETE VERSION OF WHAT i HAD WHEN i FELL IN LOVE AT AGE 9.

Different people do different things with computer games. For me, it's always about the journey, the atmosphere and and the exploration (the exploration aspect was one thing turrican was famous for). that's why it's quite literally like visiting places I last visited back then. Of course not everyone thinks of games that way, ---- for my brother it's all about the challenge, but perhaps this can make things clearer for people who obviously didn't have that experience.

i'm not sure if there was a precise moment when my inocens was lost, ---- it really was a sliding scale, it's very hard for me to say when precisely things started, or what happened when I just have a set of memories WICH i CAN GRADE ACCORDING TO SEVERITY. THIS IS INCREDIBLY STRANGE FOR ME SINSE OTHERWISE, MY MEMORY IS VERY CLEAR RIGHT BACK TO WHEN i WAS THREE, ---- AND ONE OR TWO FRAGMENTS OF WHEN i WAS TOO AS WELL.


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#218053 - 04/14/08 02:06 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: dark empathy]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
try and grow up properly as a teenager again, and have the experiences of affection and exploration with girls now which i should've learned about while growing up. I'm STIL VERY afraid

I feel like I have to re learn too. grow up properly. I'll talk to my T about that...

Peace bro,

M


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#218063 - 04/14/08 03:03 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: Magoo]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
DA,

I have been a big fan of computer games and I started with x386's Wolfenstein, Nintendo's Mario and Tanks, etc...

I played many old games through emulators on my PC and I loved the feeling, although the games did not feel as beautiful and charming as they did years ago.

I played a lot with my brother when I was a child and me did not do our home work, and mom was upset... I played with my friends Turtle Fighters on Nintendo and it was much fun.

I am so sorry you and I and all of us were growing up without the sense of childhood that had been suposed to prepare us with the adult life flight.

Well, at least we have these way we can reach out to our childish selves and feel like that. )

Take care,

Alexey



Edited by alexey (04/14/08 03:04 PM)
_________________________
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#218073 - 04/14/08 03:27 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: alexey]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Always good to meet another turtles fan Alexey. With me, the concept off child and adult feels very confused. yes, i was also a fan of the ninja turtles, (not to mention He man and to a lesser extent ghost busters), used to play games like streetfighter 2 and super bomberman with my brother on our snes much as you describe, but the concept of a "childish self" vs "an adult self" is one that slightly confuses me.

I can't honestly think of something I enjoyed as a child which i do not enjoy now, ---- though now I'm much better at streetfighter etc, ;D.

as a child I was interested in lots of things other children weren't, such as physics, classic literature (I read war of the worlds at age six), and theology.

Yes, I'm now more patient, and probably know a lot more now than I did then, but this is more like a growth of what was already there, than a change. I only in fact got rid of my figure collection at age 14, sinse I realized I was quite capable of making up stories without them (something I stil do). The major and largest change I can point to though, and one that I'm really struggling with is this difference towards others, the lack of fearr, and worthlessness, ---- that's what the abuse put there, and Magoo, that's what I want to try and work with, but with those things I feel completely stuck and unable to change them, unable even to know how to begin sinse my efforts at aggressively destroying them failed so mysserably.

I'll keep trying though.

Oh btw Alexey, being a nintendo fan, perhaps you came across Metroid? Turrican is an incredibly similar concept. I never personally ran into the metroid series until I was 13 and well into my abuse, though as with the trek episodes I mentioned earlier, ---- I don't have any bad memories or trouble playing the game, sinse it was only ever just a game I was playing at a particular time.



Edited by dark empathy (04/14/08 03:29 PM)

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#218075 - 04/14/08 03:33 PM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: dark empathy]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Yeah,

It was called NES. I played tons of games. Ninja Rukendum (spelling), Tom and Jerry, Sonic, Flinstones, Contra, Ninja Turtles were my favourite games.

I'll think of you and your struggle. We all struggle with what had been lost and what we had to take responsbility for in order to move with life. I understand you.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#218253 - 04/15/08 07:23 AM Re: when I was last here, how could I have known? [Re: alexey]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
thank you alixey.

I didn't get to play any nes games until later, sinse the nes never did that well on this side of the atlantic and thus we never owned one, most of my experiences were with the comador Amigar computer the super nes, --- super nintendo entertainment system to give it it's full title, which was the follow up machine to the nes. I stil actually own that one and all those old games, and play them relatively often, but just because I like the games, not really for nostalgia value or looking back on childhood.

It's quite strange, sinse at the one hand I feel very close to myself at age eleven, sinse we stil have a lot in common, ---- but in another sense, I felt so differently then about certain things I just can't comprehend those feelings now. I remember them, ---- I just can't understand how I was able to feel them, hence my struggle with this.

Thanks for your understanding though, it does help to know that someone else has wrestled with these problems as well.


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