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#217608 - 04/12/08 04:41 PM I don't understand myself...
omnipotens Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 1
My earliest memories are of me and my best friend. We lived on the same block and and his mom also was my babysitter. But the memories I have are of him touching me and making me touch him. Eventually this led to oral and to, for lack of a better word, humping...there was never any penetration however. The strangest part of this for me is that it all occurred between the ages of 4 and 8. For me it had always just been hard for me to understand how and why he did this stuff to me. Now that I am older and after having taken several courses in psych. I understand that he too was probably being abused.

The hardest part for me was when we were around 6...I finally had the courage to say no and not feel like I would lose my best friend. He told me that if I didn't let him he would tell our parents and get me in trouble. I didn't let him...and he told. And no one believed me. No one believed that I was his victim. So I was punished. Eventually, because we were still allowed to be around each other...and because I am assuming the mentality was that boys will be boys, the abuse began again. We moved when I was 8.

Moving allowed the abuse to stop. I was at a different school and I began to make new friends. However all of my friends were girls...I was afraid to make friends with the boys.

I never did boy scouts, played sports, or anything that would allow me to be around boys. Until high school.

I had girlfriends...and I enjoyed the typical teenage romances. My junior year of high school I found the woman of my dreams and married her a year ago when we were 20.

All during this time I had feelings for the same sex. The feelings repulsed me, but I had them none-the-less. I did eventually develop relationships with guys that I considered to be friends. But in my mind I fantasized about them...me doing things to them and them doing things to me. I never considered this attraction though. I was largely able to control any urges I had when I was in high school. But then college came.

Living in the dorms with lots of other guys made my life hell. I lived on the same floor as many of the jocks...they roomed them all together...excluding a few of us who weren't jocks. Constantly seeing these guys in the showers and in the halls...half nude or nude...made my urges unbearable. Eventually I turned to gay porn to satisfy my desires.

I had seen and used porn like all teens...but it was never the women who fascinated me...it was always the men. I was still in the relationship with my girlfriend/fiancee during all of this.

About a month before we were to get married she told me that she knew and that I needed to tell her that it was just a phase or something...explain it to her. So I told her it was just that a curiosity. I have always be called gay and had people question my sexuality...I'm not exactly a manly man...most consider me to be "metro". So I believe that finding this stuff on my computer made her really worry.

We did get married...and I love her and our relationship...she is my best friend. I've only lied to her the one time.

Six months ago...I apparently became sloppy and she found that I had been visiting these sites again...this was horrible.

I decided that I had to tell her something relating to the truth...so I did and told her I would discuss it with her when I felt comfortable.

Last night we were watching one of the million episodes of Law and Order...I shared the name of the abused victim...I started crying...and she didn't say a word. I really feel ready to tell her...but I don't know how.

I'm scarred that she won't believe me. It sounds so stupid to me..but the last time I confided this to anyone I was six and I punished for it.

It feels great to just be typing this to all of you...a million pounds has been lifted from me...but a million more could be lifted if I could just be able to understand why I enjoy gay porn...I need to understand it so I can tell everything to my wife and let her understand.

It is not an attraction. But a feeling..an urge. I need to understand why I can't have a guy friend without wanting it to go further...feeling as if it will go further. But being disgusted by the thought of it.

I guess is what I really want is some insight and guidance.

Best to all.


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#217697 - 04/12/08 11:11 PM Re: I don't understand myself... [Re: omnipotens]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
omnipotens
When we are sexualized at so young an age we cannot possibly understand the adultness of us or the emotions that such activity and secrecy spawn in us. As we mature and these things do not go away we want to explore them and try to understand them. Put them in some kind of context. We can become facinated by acting out this experience or voyeristically experience it in an obsessive way. A good T can help you understand it, put it into context and help you arrest the behavior. It is a simple process but very difficult to do and will take time. Find someone specializing in CSA and sexual addictions and you should be able to work though this. Keep us posted if you don't mind on your progress as it will give hope to others too.

And by the way, Welcome to MS.org I am glad you found us and I think in a short time you will be too.


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#217722 - 04/13/08 01:11 AM Re: I don't understand myself... [Re: Freedom49]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
omnipotens,

Let me also say welcome to the site, I hope you gain as much from the guys here, as I have.

I think you did a wonderful job of explaining the whole situation in your post above.

My suggestion...

Hit the print icon at the top of your computer screen. Include Rogers reply, then make a plan for an evening at home. Be sure to allow plenty of time, and turn off your cell phone and unplug the land line. Then share the post with your wife. Let her read it, and be prepared for all the questions she is bound to ask.

Just because your prepared for the questions, doesn't mean you have to have all the answers. Explain to her that you are just starting to try and figure this stuff out. You can also say that you're not ready to share some of the details. Explain to her that you want to be honest and open, but you are just not comfortable with everything yet.

Also try to explain that your recovery will be a long process and you will need and include her. Ask her to be the first person in your support network, then tell her you are going to do your best to build on this network. A good T, (therapist) and maybe this site can be a good addition to your circle of support.

I hope this will help, it is just my opinion, but I know the feeling of "Telling is Healing". As you say, the weight on your shoulders has begun to lift, and releasing the rest of the "load" will feel just as good.

Good luck, and let us know how things turn out.

Your new friend,
Carl

P.S. Just a link to a post I made called ... "Telling is Healing". http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=197654&page=0&fpart=1

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#217736 - 04/13/08 03:20 AM Re: I don't understand myself... [Re: Scoutvictim]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
Hey omnipotens


Welcome to the site. I can't relate or offer any advice. I'm new to a lot of this, one thing I can tell you though our CSA was quite similar. In my expirience it is so empowering to stand in front of someone and say, I am a survivor, its NOT WHO I AM, its just something that happened to me. I AM A SURVIVOR. Thats one very important lesson I've learned from this site. You aren't alone, and you are a survivor. Que Aretha Franklin, best of luck to you!

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

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#217800 - 04/13/08 11:31 AM Re: I don't understand myself... [Re: omnipotens]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
Omni- I too have been confused with my sexuality. I have slowly come to realize that in response to my SA I erected a psychological wall to protect myself - this wall protected me psychologically from the SA but it also isolated me from the male side of my being. So I think that we actually separate ourselves from our male/libido energies thinking that we will be safe if we do this. For me I found that my attraction to males, the penis etc. was in reality being driven from a deeper desire to embrace or reconnect with my maleness - to become integrated or whole once again - I think that this drive is coming from our basic instincts as a male - it is male libidinal (sexual) energy that is driving this - I think this is why we get so confused - and have trouble with sexual identity issues - it is the sexual energy of the male within that is wanting to become integrated within us as a healthy male - once we reconnect with this male energy I think that our sexual identity issues will resolve - you won't need to ask the question - you will know - so my message is continue the healing and the rest will look after itself - welcome to the site - take care - Dave


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