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#212377 - 03/22/08 10:33 PM 18 Years old and battling with Identity
BrandonTille Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 3
My name is Brandon. I am 18 years old and was sexually abused starting at 5. I am here to tell my story and to ask for others opinions, so I can try to break the cycle that is destroying my life!

I grew up just like any other boy. I remember liking sports, playing, and even had my first "girl friend" in kindergarden. It wasn't until the age of 5 that my life would start to change. I grew up really close to my older brother and my older cousing. I was 5, my cousin 6, and my brother 7. My dad would bring me and my brother over to my cousins every day and I considered him like a big brother.

We played together, we hung out together, and did everything together and one day me and my cousin were alone and he said he wanted to show me something. He brought me into his room and told me about what his friend was doing to him and said that he wanted to do it with me. He told me that he wanted me to touch him and I thought that it was wrong but being 5 i listened and gave in.

It started as only touching once in a while but quickly moved on to oral. I never really liked doing because he told me I couldn't tell anyone and it didn't feel right. But I continued to do it because I felt that he really liked me that is why he always wanted me to do that.

This probably went on for about a year and then my dad caught us. He was so mad and told me that it was not right and to never do it again. Although he said that it still continued. I really liked my cousin and one day he stopped doing it and was completly mean to me. I didn't understand why he didn't want to do those things to me anymore. I felt (at the time) that he didn't like me anymore and there was something wrong with me.

As I got older I thought about it all the time. I hated my self. I wished that I could forget that it ever happened BUT I CANT.

At about 8 years old I was introduced to my half sister (who was my age) and we quickly got to know eachother. I liked her up until she too wanted to do things to me. We were playing one day and she asked me to lay naked on the bed so she could rub up and down on me. I didn't feel comfortable to do it. But she talked me into it. I wouldn't get naked but I told her she could do it if she laid a blanket on top of me. The whole time she was doing this to me I felt very discusted and I was really upset with her.

That was only time I was "abused" by her. After that for years all I could think about was what my cousin and my sister had done to me. It made me hate my self and feel very different from everyone. I stopped caring about life and all I wanted to do was to erase what had happened to me.

I can remember being suicidal at even the age of 9. I wanted to kill my self becuase I hated what they had did.

But, I wanted it to continue to do it to my other friends.

At 10 me and my neighbor friend (boy my age) were talking and I told him what my cousin did to me and then I did it to him. I didn't like doing it but it made me feel "wanted" to do it.

Then at 11 another boy friend of mine started touching me. And that went on for a while.

This has affected my life! My whole life I have been attracted to women mentaly but attracted to men physically. I don't want to be gay and I don't want to be attracted to men and I feel that being abused has screwed up my outcome in life.

I had my first and only serious realationship with a girl at 15 and I had lost my virginity to her. The sex was good at first but as the more sex I had the more I lost interest. At first I loved sex and then I couldn't keep it up. I would loose all arousal right in the middle of sex. It was very embarrasing. We dated for a while but I couldn't continue to be with her.

Now any girl that I am attracted to I can't get it up or when I do... I can't keep it up.

So I started to debate whether or not if I was gay. So I told my self I will have one last thing with a guy and it will debate if I am gay or not. I met a guy for a one night stand. I went over to his house and we both masterbated and gave oral. I sexually enjoyed it but felt very discusted by my self.

I am more comfortable around women but I want more than just friendship with a women. I do not want to be gay and I do not want to be attracted to men.

I want to be with a woman but I have a lot of self issues that I need help with before I can do that.

I am not really feminime but I am not all of that "manly" either. I just don't know what to do.

Could someone give me advice on how to get over what has happened to me and allow my self to get close to men with out wanting to be sexual with them? And to cope with what has happened and to start a new life with women??

Thank you! I know it is long but I hope someone will read this!


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#212414 - 03/23/08 01:52 AM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: BrandonTille]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Brandon I sent you a PM in your inbox after reading your post in survivor stories. PM me if you have more questions. Your going to be ok. Your not alone. and By the way none of this was your fault. You will recover guy.


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#212418 - 03/23/08 02:24 AM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: BrandonTille]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Brandon,
I hope you will find this helpful. I am 49 y.o. and perhaps my experience looking back at my sorting out of these kinds of issues can be helpful to you. I was abused by much older men at age 9 and 12. I also had some pretty awful early experiences with women. A lot of emotions get tangled together from sexual abuse with sexuality, and it is a difficult process to untangle them. It certainly can be done though, and coming here and talking about all this is a great thing to do for yourself. Congradulations, on taking what must have been a difficult step.

I think you will have to explore all your feelings and memories about all these past experiences and try to separate the past from the present. It probably will take a while and I'd encourage you to find someone who can listen to you and give you some helpful words without any bias for how you sort things out. A lot of us here have used mental health therapists. I've been doing that and she is extremely helpful. These people are trained and good ones, most of them, won't try to put their ideas in your head, but help you find your own true-to-yourself answers.

I would say do not focus on "if you are gay or straight", but just explore your past abusive experiences and how you feel around both men and women for a while with your clothes ON. I think actually having sex like you did with this guy is pushing yourself way to fast, but I think you're also very courageous to have tried this. But doing something you feel disgusted about is feeding something harmful to you. Be gentle with yourself. Perhaps your capable of a happy relationship with either a man or a woman. Talk to us here. There are just way too many questions to say everything here.

Perhaps here are a few I'm wondering and my experience:

You perhaps have feeling wanted tied to sex. That's been very true for me. Any closeness feels pretty sexual, and I've had to learn that's from my abuse, and I can be very close physically and emotionally to men and women and say no to any sex. I don't have to allow my or others sexual feelings become actions if I choose not to.

Perhaps you have negative feelings about "being gay", or same sex attractions. I've learned there are very positive same sex relationships that are possible for me, and I've learned to accept those feelings as a good thing. Actually, simularly for attractions to women--these feelings in me are good too when they arrive.

Not "getting it up" could be about a lot of other things--I wouldn't jump right away to "maybe I'm gay".

Being "manly" and being straight are completely unrelated. There are very manly gay men, and rather feminine straight men. That's kind of societies goofy stereotypes of gay and straight men at work. I think lots of women love men who are gentle, sensitive, emotional, expressive, creative, nuturing... you might not feel these are "manly".

You sound like as a child you were disgusted being forced into sexual experiences with both males and females. Your experience with the man seems like you forced yourself again and were disgusted. That's the past I think. Learn to find and explore positive feelings with sexuality being open toward either sex. Take tiny steps and wait a while to see how you feel.

I was mostly frozen with terror, very frightened as a child with the sex. So I've always found it easy to get very frightened, freeze by sexuality, mine or others.

Finally Brandon, I'm so sorry people gave you such negative experiences with sexuality as a child. That was child abuse. That was absolutely NOT, NEVER, and NEVER will be your fault, or your doing. Unfortunately you do have to untangle this emotional mess, but you're not alone, and don't have to do it yourself. You'll find a lot of help here, and hopefully in some people nearby. You deserve to be free of these after effects to make a great relationship with a special, and lucky person.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#212503 - 03/23/08 02:40 PM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: LandOfShadow]
BrandonTille Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 3
Thank you very much for your input. It means alot to me. After thinking about men and women. I feel that alot of my attraction to men is some sort of weird jealousy type. I look at men like wow he has a great body I wish I had that or wow he has a great life.. etc.

It is like I am only attracted to certain men becuase I wish I could look or act like them. Does this make sense??

It feels good to vent about these situations and I feel that I might just be able to over come these issues that have been tormenting my life.

Thanks guys and happy easter!


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#212529 - 03/23/08 04:55 PM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: BrandonTille]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Brandon a lot of guys look at other guys and say man I wish I had his height, build, hair, nose, arms etc. That is normal and women do that with each other to. Has nothing to do with sexuality as much as envy and jealously. LOL. It won't be long till you will be comfortable with your body, face, skills, etc. as you mature and come to accept yourself. Your unique and special as each of us are and we all have our own gifts. If you only cold read the minds of those around you you would find them thinking a lot of the same things about you. Honest to god it is true. Relax your ok and you will get through this as we all did in our insecure teen years.


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#212545 - 03/23/08 06:00 PM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: Freedom49]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Hi Brandon,

i'm 19, and i can relate in part. I can relate to the fact that abuse of this kind can cause problems in forming intimate relationships. What your cousin and half-sister did was wrong and it must be confusing for you to try to separate feelings of disgust and fear and good feelings in your current life.

Confusion about sexuality is quite common and understandable especially as your abuser was male. I have read about people revisiting relationships with people of the same sex as their abuser as a kind of coping mechanism, to give themselves an opportunity to do things differently and to try to stand up to the pain of their memories, i think the analogy they used was it is like a woman who was in an abusive relationship, who then finds herself going into other abusive relationships whilst attempting to do things differently this time around. Perhaps your feelings about males is a sub-conscious prompt telling you to face some of the issues of your past. The other thing you mentioned was the feeling of being wanted, really the feeling of being desired. I can relate to that, and for me that feeling of being wanted is still tied in some respects to the clause that the person that wants me is male, i'm not sure why that is, but when your taught at such a young age that you can be wanted and desirable by somebody of the same sex as you then you start to identify those kind of feelings with people of that sex. But i am not gay, and i don't fancy males at all, but this is just my understanding so far.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#212730 - 03/24/08 05:10 PM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: king tut]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Brandon,
It could sound rude but clear indication of your sexual orientation is in your fantasies.

The question is very simple and practical: are you thinking on girls or on guys while masturbating?

It is often case that our sexual drive is not so easy to change at all even with events like abuse, it is preprogrammed in very early stage of our life and it is not controlled by our conscious part of mind...But, sadly, we can be confused or feel bad about our sexuality for all kind of reasons especially by abuse or just because of our complexity as a human beings.

By the way there is nothing bad or shameful to be sexual with another man... in contrary.


I wish you the best,
Ivo


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#217060 - 04/10/08 01:17 PM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: Ivo]
maxshame Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/10/08
Posts: 5
Contents of post edited by the Moderators



Edited by ModTeam (04/12/08 04:51 PM)

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#217066 - 04/10/08 01:31 PM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: maxshame]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Maxshame,
Welcome to the website. I can relate to being sexualized by a male at a very young age. It taught me, without words that I would be accepted and loved (?) and appreciated by my same sex if I would do and allow those same things to happen to me. I didn't know there were healthier and safer good ways to relate to my sex till I was well into adulthood. It really messes up your ability to have healthy sexual relations with either sex later in life. It is very damaging but not irreversable. It just takes time and a lot of work and a lot of counseling.
I am glad you found us and I hope you find some answers and comfort from the posts on this site.
Again welcome, you are not alone. And just for the record It was not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed or afraid of here.


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#217343 - 04/11/08 01:29 PM Re: 18 Years old and battling with Identity [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brandon,

You are really new here so I would like mainly to welcome you to the site and assure you that you will be understood and supported here. You have access to the Teen Forum, and I believe the TC, Christopher/Theatrekid has already PMed you.

Just briefly, so much of what you describe in your comments above comes down to sexual confusion. That problem troubles so many guys who have been abused, let me tell you. Apart from that, it is not at all unusual for a young man like yourself to be curious and to act on that curiosity. About a third of teenagers have sexual contacts with other guys by the time they reach 18. So don't feel you are weird or "losing it". You are going through the same issues that almost all other teen guys do, especially if they have been abused.

What's important to bear in mind is that these uncertainties CAN be resolved. Do feel free to keep talking about whatever you need to talk about here; we will always be ready listen and offer whatever insights and support we can.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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