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#217371 - 04/11/08 03:38 PM Outside the bedroom
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Hi all! I'm new here. Im married to a CSA survivor. Does anyone know (particularly wives) is it unusual to have a really good sex life w/ spouse. My H and I actually do. I don't understand how there are no boundaries in our bedroom but outside of the bedroom there is little to no intimacy (ie/ touching, hugging kind words, etc) He says it makes him feel funny if I go up to him and hug him. I understand. BUT it is still hard for me. I often wonder how he seperates it in his head. He even gets mad if I don't initiate. I would think this would be hard for him but it isn't. Anyone have this problem or any insight?


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#217508 - 04/12/08 02:29 AM Re: Outside the bedroom [Re: pixystick]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Originally Posted By: pixystick
I often wonder how he seperates it in his head.


I don't have much to offer here pixy but this one sentence made me think of the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxtUH_bHBxs

If nothing else, it might make you smirk.

_________________________
Boom!

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#217511 - 04/12/08 03:15 AM Re: Outside the bedroom [Re: frost]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
pixystick,
It is not unusual for a survivor to learn to compartmentalize and separate what happens in the bedroom and what happens in out side. For a long time I was the other way around. I didn't mind being affectionate and such outside but in the bedroom I was nervous, anxious and uncomfortable. I associated sex with the abuse I received and loveing my wife and caring for her so much I felt bad having sex with her as sex in my mind felt like abuse. With your guy it may be the other way around for some reason. We do tend to separate sex with everything else in our relationships. I hope this helps.


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#217546 - 04/12/08 11:17 AM Re: Outside the bedroom [Re: Freedom49]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Pixystick,

welcome to MS - I hope that you will find much help in understanding your husband here

I agree with Roger - and many books back it up - in that the minds of men and women indeed do work very diffrently - the mind of a man compartmentalizes everything - it's just the way mens minds work - and it seems that the abuse amplifies the level of compartmentalizing that we do

most important thing is to work on developing communication between the 2 of you - communication is the key to good relationships

my wife is a VERY emmotional person - I'm perfectly ok with that - I hope she knows that - I love her hugs and kisses

and... - it's also hard for me to initiate sex - though I do like to do it - it's one of those "issues" I'm still working on I guess...

I hope that your husband is actively working on his "issues"

again... Welcome to MS

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#218009 - 04/14/08 09:25 AM Re: Outside the bedroom [Re: TJ jeff]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
thanks for your responses. I'll keep that in mind.


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#218463 - 04/16/08 02:27 AM Re: Outside the bedroom [Re: pixystick]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Hi Pixy. My Hubby is the same way. We have a wonderful sex life but outside of that he tends to be hands off. He hates any public displays of affections and is very reluctant to give hugs.
It can be fustrating to someone like me who loves to give and recieve hugs and hold hands and sneak a spontaneous kiss when I am out somewhere.

I do have to say since he has started going to therapy that I have seen an improvement. I even manage to get a hug out of him every once in a while.


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#218537 - 04/16/08 12:57 PM Re: Outside the bedroom [Re: LittleMissL]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Thanks Little MissL. He did get some counseling but he stopped going. I am trying to encourage him to go back. I suggested he go to someone who is trained in CSA. His other therapist was not. It is still frustrating. Im trying to hang in there. Thanks


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