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#217204 - 04/10/08 11:20 PM so easily triggered...why
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I am so sick of dealing with PTSD,the CSA and the almost daily signs yet subtle enough to catch me off guard and i become so friggin angry.

My mood(s) on a daily basis is "up" ....yet i have not had a day ( except today though) where i have not been triggered for whatever reason and it's now effecting my fiancee and overwhelming her and it scarex me to think that when she said to me last night "i usually have no prblem dealing with your moods and anger yet i struggle and it's taking it's toll on me"


We had a pretty big emotional fight and communicated my( although i am not always to blame) unsettling uneasiness around

what causes me to become triggerdd and never figuring out why

never knowing when i'll be triggered

not even aware of my mood(s) until it's effected her

why is this

i cannot be the one to blame

i am never aware of the subtle triggers

is this normal to not know what triggers you unless of course they are huge triggers

i dont want to hurt or push her away

she is not built to deal with drama

i never understood why some people like lisa shut down

she gets real quiet

what do i do

how do i go to threapy and talk about ME and not her

i am struggling to find the "balance"

any thoughts would help

i am at my wits end and ready to call it a day

our wedding is essntially around the corner(september 27th)

I want to learn about triggers and what causes them

what i can do to deal with them

how i can find ways to allow myself the chance to just be instead of always wantring the answers....

Coop

PS: maybe i will never have the definitive reason(s) as to what or why i am so easily triggerd....does this make sense

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#217242 - 04/11/08 02:15 AM Re: so easily triggered...why [Re: thecoopstah]
Bulala Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/08
Posts: 17
hey Coop...

As a fiancee to a CSA survivor...I can relate!
I think a lot of things we may associate or 'label' as a minor trigger are things that would 'trigger' a mood or reaction despite the PTSD/CSA. For instance...I get irrationally pissed off over seemingly nothing and begin to act this way toward my FH (future husband ;-) when he notices my behavior, THAT is when I can locate my feelings as to why I am behaving that way.

I think that emotions and behavior that stems from an emotional core are probably easily viewed as a trigger.
We all have unpleasant memories...what is important is to try to make NEW pleasant ones! right?!?

You 'cannot be the one to blame'? sometimes its no ones fault...we simply have to take ownership for our behavior...no matter what it is. Owning your actions doesn't mean that you have to apologize for them! It just means acknowledging that they occurred and had an effect...if the effect was negative...then maybe an apology is due. If everyone is offending you...check your receptors!!

FH is notoriously 'talk it out' while I am a withdrawer...I get really quiet...partially because of my empathy and my recognition that if I do not get quiet, RIGHT NOW, I am going to say something that I will later regret but it will have been an arrow that pierced his heart and I can't just pretend it didn't happen. Its a defense mechanism that I use....just to collect myself before I hurt myself by hurting the ones I love.

Also, I would caution you not to underplay your current stress level...our wedding is August 30th...it was originally in May but then we had a death in the family. Planning a wedding in and of itself is a HUGE stressor (remember any change, good or bad...your body will interpret as stress!)
I suffered from PTSD after being in a war zone in Africa for a number of years...so I totally understand the BIG trigger thing. FH does not have PTSD...its not how he dealt with his CSA. But my point is that I really can relate with both you and your fiancee in what you have written.

Best thing I EVER heard was this....

lay out your expectations very clearly (both of you! write them down!!)

read "Boundaries in Marriage"...how to be two individuals but one marital unit 101!

have a good daily reading of your stress tolerance; think of it like a glass of water....each of us have a glass, some folks have giant coolers and some have tiny little shot glasses...figure out which you have. Normal daily stressors like everyday responsibilities (bills/taxes/cleaning the house/kids/dogs/etc.) and rank them with how much 'water' they hold. Just with that my glass is about 60% full! Then add the unforseen/underlying stressors...PTSD/CSA and other constants that are just ALWAYS a back of the mind thought....lets give that anywhere from 30-50%! And then unexpected things...like a wedding, a death, a move, someone being in your space ALL THE TIME ;\) and oh...depending on who you are...20-40%??? add it all up...
when your glass is full...EVERYTHING ON TOP OF THAT IS OVERFLOW!
.....
The very nature of PTSD is that your glass is constantly full! I had to go sleep for about 3 months when I first returned. I couldn't function on a normal level and had to 'learn to walk' again. It is a PROCESS that you go THROUGH. You don't just get into it and stop and look around right?!
With your personal stuff and junk you might need more of a break from your current home stressors...maybe a weekend off a month where it is just you doing nothing and having no responsibilities...go pitch a tent in the wilderness and breathe some clean air!
It will not only give your fiancee a break but it will give you some r&r so that you can face the next month with a little bit of room in your glass....
I know that it is so much harder to look at yourself sometimes, than notice the faults/shortcomings of others...but love is making a CHOICE to do just that. I make a choice to, despite what I am dealing with, help FH deal with his overflow...because most of the time, I've got more room in my glass!
But.....
I'm a woman (and as you probably know all too well) we are not a consistent species!
Wedding planning alone, uniquely to women...is a HUGE deal.

I don't think your fiancee is saying that you are being difficult to deal with, or that she can't handle you or anything to that effect...
I hear her more as saying...babe, I love you but I've got a lot right now too! Please notice that I am doing a lot and under my own stress and (for right now) cant always be there to help you deal.
Sometimes if FH can say or do something unexpected...with both of our glasses full who is going to clean the kitchen, mow the lawn, feed the dogs?...but when I come home and I know he has been working hard all day and all he could possibly have wanted to do was lay down and watch TV, when I walk in on that evening and he has cleaned the kitchen for me...it becomes the most loving thing in the world! And it allows me to do likewise for him.
Look after her needs and try to let her look after yours...its the Forrest Gump/Bubba lean!! If both of you can rely on each other then you will make it!

Also...remember that you wont always be planning a wedding (and everything else unique to this season of your life)...life goes through its own ups and downs and ebbs and flows...our job is to stay in the boat, not control the tides!
Oh yes and make sure you are getting all your essential vitamins and amino's...they can help your body fight stress so that your emotions don't have to! drugs stress you out physically... Mood Food is fantastic stuff...

be well...
B

_________________________
"There's life outside of your madness, and there's a face behind every scar...but theres a LOVE overflowing with gladness. Get out of that place that's restraining your love."

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