Newest Members
Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1
12278 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carter (51), CAW1980 (34), Fissy Tsickens (53), Kris (52), Wheatthins (23)
Who's Online
4 registered (4 invisible), 29 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12278 Members
73 Forums
63175 Topics
441758 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#217049 - 04/10/08 11:50 AM The Old Me ***** triggers *****
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
This is one that has been sitting on an old PC for years. I wrote it shortly after I disclosed for the first time and told my sister Cathie I had been abused. She was trying to understand what I was going through and had a lot of questions. That led me to write this, so that would make it November 2003.

It's a dark and harrowing poem, so I'll trigger warn you again here. I have always thought better of posting it, but it occurs to me that it might be helpful to see how I looked at things before I had committed in any real way to my recovery - I feared I would just discover how utterly lost I was. And those of you who know me well will see there are aspects of my abuse history that aren't mentioned here at all - I had not yet even dared to think about them. If this helps anyone to take the risks of committing to recovery, even if you think you have no chance at all, then my decision to post this will have been a good one, I think.

Much love,
Larry

____________________________________________


Definitions


Child abuse is the utter violation a young boy feels as he
Submits in silence to the invasion overwhelming him
And scattering again the wreckage of his childhood,
While he tries not to look at the grimacing face above
Or feel the heaving hairy arms pinning his shoulders
As the words echo through his head: “I can’t make it stop.”

Child abuse is frantically preparing secret hiding places,
All warm and welcoming refuges for a boy and his dog,
But useless against the abuser, all-powerful and unstoppable,
Who could come unseen at any time to drag him away,
While his screaming pleas for rescue, help or mercy
Die in despair, unspoken and unutterable in his throat.

Child abuse is helplessly feeling the ebb and flow of life
Collapse into a wild insanity of pretending, lying, secrets,
And preparations for the inevitable exposure of his shame,
Cowering and trembling, alone in an unaware world:
“Mommy, Daddy, he’s hurting me, I’m so scared and mixed up.
All of you, please – look at me, why can’t you see?”

Child abuse is lying on the soft forest floor, moss at his ear,
Gazing at the leafy green canopy spread in spendor above him
And remembering how much he loves this awesome place,
As one he once trusted struggles up with a heavy grumble,
A cold hand closing hard and harsh around the boy’s ankle
To drag him naked, limp and uncaring, to a “better spot”.

Child abuse is the cacophony of lies and threats driving him
Ever deeper into despair and proving his worthlessness:
You’re special, our secret, this means you like it, you want it,
If you tell you will go to an orphanage, lovely boy – it all
Rings in his ear, terrifying and incomprehensible, crumbling
His doubts until in the end he embraces every foul word.

Child abuse is discovering there is no depth past which he
Cannot be driven further, no peak to the shame and humiliation,
Until one afternoon, seeing that everything he is or will ever be
Has been stripped away, he welcomes the tingle of cold steel
On his wrist or awaits the next train, knowing that as he
Steps into its path he will at last be safe and find peace.

Child abuse is the loss of being and self: succumbing to the
Terrible lie that his body is not his and that he is good for
One thing only, shunning friends for fear they will want him
“Like that”, and abandoning the brittle ravaged shell of self,
Floating away as hands press him to his knees and the words
Drift past him: “Just think of it as taking Communion from me.”

Child abuse is lying with the girl you love, warm flesh on flesh,
Both breathless with desire, gazing softly into each other’s eyes,
Alone and at peace, ready for the discovery of another step on
The path to adulthood: “Larry, make love to me, I want you
Inside me”, and then hearing the voice welling up within you
To whisper, “Now I will do to her what Mr ---- did to me.”

Child abuse is the desperate child’s discovery that alcohol
Will help him forget the horror that his life has become,
The teenager’s face as his lips close tight round his first joint,
His gasp of awe as the needle sets him free, if only for a while,
And the adult’s ceaseless struggle to ignore the whisperings
Of all the poisons of his past pleading, “Just one more time.”

Child abuse is facing the challenge of obstacles as yet unknown,
Terrible horrors staring and awaiting his gaze: that feeling of
Being driven into the ground by grief and shame, wondering if he
Deserved to be saved that fateful night and fearing that nothing
Remains, that he will always be that fourteen-year-old, gasping and
Shivering in his room – certain only of the fact that he is alone.



_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#217098 - 04/10/08 03:36 PM Re: The Old Me ***** triggers ***** [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Larry, I can't honestly say that reading this was either pleasant or easy. While my circumstances were very different, I recognize a lot of the feelings you expressed when you wrote this poem as things I feel now myself, and i'd never wish another person to feel like that.

I feel incredibly sorry that that's the way you felt, and I really wish i could've done something about it at the time or even now, if you stil have these feelings.

for the purpose for which you posted this though, i can say one thing.

I've been having a lot of problems with my own anger recently. I've been angry at myself for not beeing able to deal with my feelings, I've felt at the mercey of what I've been feeling and totally out of control. It's taken all my energy just to minimally distract myself by watching startrek, doing house work or reading something trivial.

I've felt angry that for all that I fight and struggle and battle against the way I've been feeling, nothing moves and the best I've ben able to achieve is destraction and exhaustion.

talking to my friend the counceler today, she recommended that I try to accept those feelings, not to fight against them or use all my efforts to destract myself (a coping stratogy I learned from my own abuse). she recommended writing or keeping a jernal.

all the poetry I've written has been positive, I in fact resolved never to write negative poetry. when I've written about my negative immotions in the Ms forum, it's because I've wanted advice, wanted help, wanted someone to give me some assistance, ---- not because I just wanted to get those feelings down in words.

Seeing your poem though makes me think that it might be helpful to try and put those negative thoughts down in words, not in search of help but simply to express them and accept them.

Reading what you wrote here, it makes me see the value in that sort of expression, and gives me something new to try on my next low point (probably around next tuesday or wednesday given the current cycle length), as an alternative to exhaustive battling against feelings I can't control, or trying to run away.

Thank you for this stratogy and this insite, sharing it is helpful.

Luke.


Top
#217149 - 04/10/08 07:54 PM Re: The Old Me ***** triggers ***** [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
talking to my friend the counceler today, she recommended that I try to accept those feelings, not to fight against them or use all my efforts to destract myself (a coping stratogy I learned from my own abuse). she recommended writing or keeping a jernal.

all the poetry I've written has been positive, I in fact resolved never to write negative poetry. when I've written about my negative immotions in the Ms forum, it's because I've wanted advice, wanted help, wanted someone to give me some assistance, ---- not because I just wanted to get those feelings down in words.

Seeing your poem though makes me think that it might be helpful to try and put those negative thoughts down in words, not in search of help but simply to express them and accept them.

Reading what you wrote here, it makes me see the value in that sort of expression, and gives me something new to try on my next low point (probably around next tuesday or wednesday given the current cycle length), as an alternative to exhaustive battling against feelings I can't control, or trying to run away.


I am no longer controlled or crushed by the feelings you see in this poem. The memories do return; how could I forget? But they don't send me into meltdown or a bottle anymore, and I can tell with each passing year that that their power over me is fading.

A good part of the reason for that is exactly the strategy your counselor suggests. Our feelings are the key ... always! A basic task in our recovery is to "own" them, to admit to ourselves that this is in fact how we feel.

When we do that we aren't conceding that these feelings are true; in fact, once we begin to examine them we will see how utterly false most of them are. Most of us feel deep shame, for example; we have to admit that this is where we are at the moment. But that does NOT mean we are admitting that we are shameful men. What we are doing is dragging the beast out into the light, where we can examine it, reject it's power over us, and finally slay it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#217180 - 04/10/08 09:56 PM Re: The Old Me ***** triggers ***** [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Larry, I find it really great to know how you are feeling now, and that though you stil remember those feelings and the memories of what happened, their no longer in control of you.

I think my stratogy thus far has been to either spend lots of effort running away from said beast, or to go down into the darkness of the beast's laire with a very heavy iron pole, strugle to whack it a few times until it stopps moving, then run away again. neither of these stratogies has worked, and I've felt very frustrated that there's nothing I can do.

I think though both you and my friend the counceler are correct, and I'll try the acceptence stratogy next time, sinse other methods aren't getting me anywhere.

Btw, this isn't actually my t, my T has only been minimally helpful thus far, this was my friend the counceler, ---- who I once referred to as the noble lady in one of my poems). she's been more help through all of this than I could possibly have imagined, and I'm infinitely greatful to her for it.


Top
#461703 - 02/28/14 04:45 AM Re: The Old Me ***** triggers ***** [Re: roadrunner]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
epic.

you have said everything.

i am still overcoming "obstacles as yet unknown"
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.