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#217084 - 04/10/08 02:28 PM Took it to the GRAVE
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
He took it to the GRAVE


Got a phone call yesterday from a old college friend who had bad news.

" Ya know B had a drinking problem and they found him dead this morning. He fell and hit his head and bleed out" Rick told me.

Ya I knew B had issues that drove him to hide in a drunken stupor. I knew what those issues where. We talked as I gave him a ride home from at a party about a year ago. In a drunken state he told me that he understood my pain. I had come out to all the old friends about the SA just before the documentary Broken Trust Broken Childhood was to air.

Told him it was best to get professional help to over come this. Also told him about this place and to call me when every he wants.

Now he is gone, I can no longer help. I knew he needed help but I could find the time to reach out to him.



Got a question for you guys.

Is it OK to reach out to someone we think or know are victims of CSA.

Thanks
Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#217087 - 04/10/08 02:34 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: Muldoon]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
This link was on Just Scott's sig line and I hit on it.

The song really hit me hard.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou_aTbmz7zY



Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#217089 - 04/10/08 02:40 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: Muldoon]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Tom,
In my opinion it is definately ok. They may not accept it or be ready to but I think it is important to reach out to someone hurting if you can. It involves risk but if you can throw a life line to someone you will rest easier whether they accept it or not knowing you tried. Just my opinion and don't feel bad guy. Sounds like you did reach out and the safety rope just was not grabbed. Tragic but not your fault.


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#217091 - 04/10/08 02:45 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: Muldoon]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hi Tom,
I think it's always good to reach out to those we think are in need. The problem is not whether we should, but how we will react if that help is rejected. We cannot force someone into getting help, or into helping themselves. The decision to accept help is a personal one. What's the old saying? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It's good to reach out. It's good to show those we think or know have been abused that they aren't alone and that there is help available to them. Beyond that, there isn't anything we can do unless and until they realize themselves that they want help. If they won't accept help, we can't take responsibility for that.

Take care of you,
SCOTT


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#217094 - 04/10/08 02:59 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: Minute2Minute]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tom,

Yes, I do think it's okay to reach out to others if we think or know they are survivors of CSA. That gesture could be decisive. It could happen that this one act of kindness and support gets a guy started on recovery when otherwise he may never have attempted it. The fact that another survivor is daring to reject the silence could be a powerful event for him, something he can think about and wonder, hey, is it possible that I could do that too one day?

But we also have to be prepared for the cases where a guy doesn't respond to whatever support we try to give him. I remember vividly something Mike Lew told me: A man will start out on his recovery when he is ready, and not one second sooner.

We can't force that moment, nor do I think we should. All we can do, Tom, is speak out and let the guy know we are there, we understand, and he has someone to talk to if he wants. But that's it, I think. The rest is up to him. He has to decide whether he will come back to you to accept that offer of support. We know from our own histories that the hard work and the tough decisions all have to come from ourselves. No one can do that for us.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#217106 - 04/10/08 04:39 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK

Tom, His finaly has peace . His suffering has ended

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#217109 - 04/10/08 05:11 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: OKIE MIKE]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Tom,
Can't say it better than Larry did, but I just want to kind of be here with you. You did reach out. I'm sad and sorry.

CSA is like one of those spy, espionage slow poisons. Slowly the poison acts and only years later, when the evidence is long gone, does it finally kill.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#217122 - 04/10/08 06:02 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: Muldoon]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Sad to hear about your friend "could have been me at one time".
If it were me I would bring up the issue of SA. I did with my younger brother this month. He did not share much on what he went through but let me know he does not blame himself. Another thing is there are no more secrets between us its all in the open. I think its a start. If it were an adult I would probably find some way to bring up the topic. I would not know what to do if I suspected it was a child, who do you trust in a situation like that? Who do you talk to?

Quote:
Documentary Broken Trust Broken Childhood

Never heard of this documentary before. Do you have any more information on it?

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#219604 - 04/22/08 12:15 AM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: GateKPR4]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guys for the feed back on this. Wish I had been able to reach out more. We talked about doing some boating on the Mississippi this summer.

Rick don't know if they have any more copy of the doc , I will post the link to it.


Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#220712 - 04/26/08 03:30 PM Re: Took it to the GRAVE [Re: Muldoon]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Tom ,
What a tragic story. We all have regrets, especially when someone we know dies unexpectedly. Especially when the cause is so apparent. So it's only normal to question ourselves about we could have done.

For what it's worth you did what you could. More than some of us would have been capable of. After all you shared your story with him.

Take care,
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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